Erectile Dysfunction Expert Forum
Not able to get an erection with my new girl
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Questions in the Erection Concerns Forum are being answered by Janice M Epp, PhD, a Clinical Sexologist from The Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. This forum is for questions and discussions about the psychological aspects of Erection problems or erectile dysfunction.

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Not able to get an erection with my new girl

About a week ago I got together with a girl I know we went out for the night had a great time danced drank and gambled the night away. when we got home we got into bed and started fooling around but I couldn't get an erection. I thought maybe it was just the alcohol so it was no big deal went to sleep woke up the next day and tried again but no result and then again that night before she flew back out to work but nothing.
I don't think its a mental thing because there was no real pressure or expectations, but I did try thinking about other things but that didn't help, I tried focusing and no result we tried everything and still got nothing. I still get good erections when I masturbate which is quite regularly, Its confusing me I'm not sure where to go next. any ideas what it could be?
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Hi.

First, no need to worry. It IS, in fact, a "mental thing." If there were a physiological cause, obviously you wouldn't be having erections during self-pleasuring. Here's some information for you:

Welcome to your 20’s! When you're younger and just beginning to be sexual with others, erections pop up everywhere--including when you don't want them! Post-pubescent men are highly excitable. After all, sex with a partner is new, and anything new is terribly exciting.

As you age, you'll find that erections sometimes take longer, and even come and go. This is not an indication if ill health, but just part of life.

Our society does a terrible disservice to men by raising them to think that their penis has to be 10 inches long, hard as a rock and last all night. It’s no wonder that many men feel insecure about their sexuality. Great sex involves your whole body; in fact, having great, mutually satisfying sex is usually quite the opposite of what you see in those performance-oriented sex videos.

The more you think of sex as being about performance, the more worries you'll have. If you're stressed, you'll probably worry even more. And this can be a vicious circle. For most of us, sex is about fun and pleasure. If you think of it as performance, or a “job,” you’ll set yourself for a stressful experience. Remember: Performance can be the enemy of pleasure and fun.

Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure.

So let's assume that something about being sexual with this woman is causing you anxiety. What do you suppose it is? Is it possible that you’re worrying yourself into this problem? In other words, once you began to worry, you stopped being able to enjoy yourself, so naturally, your erections disappeared, and you created a self-fulfilling prophesy. Often, anxiety and nervousness create a situation in which you can't relax enough to feel pleasure.

Worrying about erections is a dead-end street. All it will do is make you anxious, which will make your penis very uncooperative. And remember you don't need an erection to be sexual, have fun, experience pleasure, etc. Relax, enjoy your own unique sexuality and stop judging yourself.

My guess is that when you first didn't have an erection, even though you thought it was no big deal, somewhere inside your head was a little voice that said "uh-oh." And that little voice created anxiety.

Take a deep breath and look at the above issues to see if any relate to you. Once you can relax and stop putting pressure on yourself to please someone else, you can begin to discover just what it is that feels good to you. For more information about male sexual issues, I recommend “The New Male Sexuality,” by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D., widely available online, both used and in paperback. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
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