Problems

hiya i dont really know what it wrong with me. i am a healthy 24 year old male. I have a balanced diet, and my weight is fine for my age and height.
However when i am alone wiv my partner i cant have sex with her as i am not hard enough, but if she uses her hand or mouth i still am able to ***.
Can you help or have any ideas what it wrong with me?

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Hello.

Welcome to your 20’s! Erections go up and down. You’ll find this happening all your life. It doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy sex, but you have to let go of worrying about performance.

Much of your problem is due to your attitude. Once your penis didn't act as you expected, you probably started feeling anxious and judging yourself, which can be a vicious circle. The more you worry about erections, the more your penis won’t cooperate. In fact, it can be downright rebellious!  Many men feel that if their erection goes down even a tiny bit, there’s something wrong with them. Where does this come from?

Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. Ask yourself whether you have any conflicts about being sexual—any old messages that might be lurking in your subconscious.

There are many other reasons why you may be inhibited with you’re your partner. I’m going to assume that when you say “sex,” you mean penis-vagina sex (p-v). This could be due to anxiety—either about sex in general, or about some aspect of your relationship with her. Since you’re fine with either manual or oral stimulation, perhaps the intimacy of p-v is making you uncomfortable? Why would that be? What does it represent to you—and to your partner? These are questions to ask yourself.

Or perhaps you’re not receiving enough stimulation during p-v, or you might be starting p-v before you’re turned on enough. I’m also wondering how aroused you are by your partner. You could be bored, or perhaps some aspect of your relationship isn’t satisfying.
In addition to examining the above issues, I also highly recommend the book “The New Male Sexuality” by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D. It’s widely available online, both used and in paperback and is an invaluable resource. Best of luck to you. Dr. J