Trouble sustaining erection

I'm a 24 year old male, and have only been in two serious relationships in my life. I have had my fair share of sexual encounters, which when outside of a relationship, tended to go very smoothly. The problem is I have been seeing a young woman for about 6 months now and things are starting to become both serious and sexual. Our first few sexual experiences together were successful and we were both very pleased. However, I am beginning to frequently lose my erection halfway into any sexual experience we try to share together. We will not even make it to intercourse before this happens. Now I am in my own head about it and each time we begin to "fool around" I start wondering if I can stay hard this time. How can I break this cycle and share a healthy physical relationship with the one I love. I have given up pornography and masturbation. Have you any other suggestions?

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Hi.

My first question is why you've given up on self-pleasuring? Do you feel somehow this interferes with sex with your new partner? If so, why?

You've answered your own question: You're having so much anxiety about getting an erection that your body is unable to respond to stimulation, and now you're head is running the show.

The 800-pound gorilla in the room you’re so carefully trying to tiptoe around is that now that you’re in a relationship, you’re finding it difficult to relax and be sexual. Obviously, something about this situation is making you anxious, self-conscious, inhibited, etc.

Do you have any sense of what is making you feel this way? What are you thinking about during sex? Now that you’re partnered, perhaps it’s difficult for you to think of your girlfriend as a sexual person and that’s what’s getting in the way. When you’re being sexual do you have enough privacy? Are you both relaxed and happy? If not, issues like these can contribute to your discomfort.

There are various other possible psychological and emotional factors just too darned numerous to detail here. But since you asked, they include (but are not limited to) fear of intimacy, fear of women or at least negative feelings about them, unresolved anger and conflicted feelings about being with her – and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Some men find they can be totally uninhibited sexually as long as they’re NOT in a committed relationship. Others find the day-in, day-out doldrums of being with someone 24/7 destroys any sense of sexual mystery or romantic feelings. And, of course, all of this also goes for what SHE’S feeling, too. And speaking of her: What’s HER role in this? Has she been acting any differently?

Here are a few other things to consider: You may have negative attitudes about sex in general, you may have performance anxiety issues or you may have conflicts about the relationship or about women in general. Any way you look at it, it’s easy to get trapped in a cycle of trying too hard, which, of course can lead to more stress and more anxiety. You know what? These self-doubts, questions and destructive attitudes aren’t that uncommon – the good news is that it’s not that hard to change. Be willing to take a deep breath, relax and honestly examine the issues I’ve mentioned above and see if any of them fit you. The bottom line is that something is getting in the way of your pleasure, and you’ll need to do some very serious thinking to figure out what it is.

Of course, in any new relationship, it takes time to be able to relax with each other and learn about your body and its responses. Like anything worthwhile, it takes a little time, a little willingness and lots of practice, practice, practice. Talk with your partner and tell her you’d like to slow down and learn about what feels good for each others’ bodies and the ways you respond to each other so the two of you can discover just what it is that arouses each of you and gives you the most pleasure. You have a chance to take a wonderful journey of discovery and pleasuring that‘s not only educational, but a whole lot of fun, too!

You’d be surprised how often men put massive amounts of pressure on themselves to be whatever they think is sexually “perfect” once they’re in a committed relationship. Of course, all that pressure is a lot to carry around and usually winds up deflating the old tires so the car doesn’t actually go anywhere. Remember that relaxation is the key: “breathe, relax, enjoy; breathe, relax, enjoy.”  Think about making it your MAN-tra, “breathe, relax, enjoy.” Best of luck to you. Dr. J