Hi, my name is James and I am a healthy 28 year old.
I have been with my girlfriend for 3 months. Even though it’s been a short time, I care about my girlfriend deeply and we have talked about staying together long term. She is incredibly beautiful; I have never been more attracted to someone in my life. I think about her all the time. She feels the same way about me. For the first 2 months, the sex was incredible. On most occasions over the past month however, I have been unable to achieve an erection hard enough to have sex. The same process plays out every time. We get to the point where I am about to penetrate, I put on a condom, and ...........its not hard enough to go in.
When this first happened I put it down to a heavy cold (fever, etc.) that I had the week before. After it happened a few times, I saw my doctor and he prescribed me viagra - which worked. However, I have been feeling physically great recently and I tried to have sex with her without taking viagra- but again, my penis becomes too ‘soft’ for sex, just before I penetrate her. This has happened again and again. I managed to penetrate her on 2 occasions and have good sex, but I lost when we stopped for a moment. We are very close and when we don't have sex, she can help me out - i.e. give me a handjob - I’m always hard for that.
I don’t feel that anything physical is wrong. I believe my problem is psychological. However, I have no clue where to begin unraveling this. Like most other people I have stress in my life, but I always handle it well. There are no major traumas - in fact I’ve just got a great new job, which I’m very excited about. I have read a lot on this site about the problem - and a lot of it rings true. I’m anxious every time I’m intimate with her - I fear I will fail to perform, and that’s exactly what happens. I have lost my ability to be lost in the moment with her, to 'let go', to enjoy sex without feeling this anxiety. Putting on a condom really takes me out of the moment - but it never made me 'soft' before. I want to make her happy, and of course, make myself happy too – I usually have a strong and healthy sex drive (I say usually as this problem is slightly dampening my libido at the moment, but I’m still keen for sex).
I am extremely worried about this - It makes me feel worthless not being able to have a normal sex life with her. She has been great, despite being mad and confused initially she has been patient and understanding. However, it has now become a serious problem for us and we have taken a 'break'.
I have always had rock hard erections, with myself, ex girlfriends, and my current girlfriend before 1 month ago. This experience is new and disturbing for me. However, I have never been able to orgasm from penetrative sex - again probably a psychological issue. I was hoping to cure that with this girlfriend - She can bring me to orgasm with her hand - which no other girlfriend could ever do before. It’s incredibly frustrating as I was feeling that I was coming very close to being able to orgasm naturally, i.e. ejaculate inside her, but then this happened!!
My question is: How do I even begin to work through this? How can I cure myself of these crippling psychological issues? I wish it was physical, but I feel great in every other respect. To be honest, I feel pretty good psychologically too - Everything is absolutely fine in my life - apart from this of course.
This problem really is self perpetuating! My current theory is that my heavy fever diluted my libido and erection strength and the subsequent psychological trauma from this has crippled me as sexual being, I am now unable to have a normal sex life.....How do I cure that??
is it possible you had an injury to your penis. were you jelqing or doing having some vigorous sex. I ask because i'm 27 never had problems before my gf is hot, and i have a similiar problem, i traced it back to my jelqing injury, after that it wasn't the same. Seen any other changes in your penis?
i've had that exact same problem, and i'm really worried... i'm 19 years old, but sex with my ex girlfriend was always great! this new person i've met, that happened the first time we were about to do it, and now i'm really afraid, i simply feel my erections are weak and don't want to try...
"I’m anxious every time I’m intimate with her - I fear I will fail to perform, and that’s exactly what happens. I have lost my ability to be lost in the moment with her, to 'let go', to enjoy sex without feeling this anxiety."
I'm not a doctor but this sounds like sexual performance anxiety to me.
I know very well how you feel, James. I used to have the same problem: I was always able to obtain a strong erection but I would sometimes get a bit anxious and lose it just before penetration. This is a very common problem and there's even a medical name for it: coital anxiety.
Anxiety and sex don't go well together but there's a good reason for this. When you're facing a dangerous situation, real or imaginary, stress hormones constrict peripheral circulation so that blood can reach your vital organs (heart, lungs). An erection is the last thing you need when you're in danger. This is the infamous 'fight-or-flight response'.
The good news is: sexual performance anxiety is easily treatable and if I can do it, so can you. In my case, oral drugs were very effective but you should always take them under the supervision of a doctor (urologist).
I have a couple of suggestions:
- Condoms are a problem for everyone. I suggest you ask your girlfriend to take care of that and put the condom for you. Problem solved!
- A penis ring can help you maintain an erection but it's uncomfortable and your girlfriend will see it.
- Most anxiolytics can cause or worsen ED but some have no sexual side effects. I'm also a terribly anxious person, so I always take SEREDYN one hour before sex and it works. SEREDYN is a natural supplement for the treatment of anxiety that contains valerian, L-theanine and passion flower.
- Oral drugs are excellent. You have already tried Viagra but this is not the only option. There are other PDE-5 inhibitors in the market: Levitra and Cialis. Consult a doctor before you decide to take any of these drugs.
- I also suggest you try VIGAMED (oral phentolamine 40 mg). VIGAMED is not a PDE-5 inhibitor, it is a new ED drug that inhibits the negative effects of stress hormones via the sympathetic system. It is safer than Viagra and very effective. It's not available in the US but you can order it online: vasomaxclinic.com
- Finally, if you decide to take these drugs, NEVER tell your girlfriend about it. I don't care how much you love her or trust her, women want to feel desired and the mere mention of the name 'Viagra' is a huge turn-off for them.
I used to be exactly in the same position a few years ago, where my penis would get flaccid right before penetration, till I found a simple but powerful way to "reprogram" yourself, so that you won’t feel the anxiety anymore. Check this explanation on http://laviewpoint.com. I hope it will help others the same way it helped me.
So at 28 your in trouble, me I had the same plus a bit more at 63, the bit more was ED, the doc here in Greece gave Viagra to, but it made fill like a machine and high blood pressure, so did some reserch and DHEA kept coming up as a help, its a hormon replacment that you can buy over the counter, except for me its a no no out here in Greece, so mine comes from the states, I'm now on 75mg a day, now this can have some side effects, but for its been ok, it should boast your sex life up, but if you try it start at 25mg a day at first and see how it goes but build it up slowly.
I'm adding a link which you may find intresting, its best you read all the pages, Good luck.
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