cant keep an erection

hi im 31 yrs i have been having sex quite often but i cant keep an erection for long periods after penetration i ejaculate soon after.how can i keep an erection long after penetration?

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Hello.

During their early self-pleasuring experiments, many men learn a very quick orgasm pattern in order to avoid detection—like in the bathroom (“You’ve been in there for hours! What are you doing?”) Learning to come quickly with a partner can also set up this pattern. Guilt, anxiety and relationship conflict may create a situation where some men just want to get it over with quickly so they won’t have to deal with any of those feelings. And, of course, if you’re focused on “performing,” rather than just enjoying yourself, your penis can become incredibly stubborn and uncooperative.

Many men think they have to last a very long time in order to please their partner, yet most studies show that around 75% of all males have an orgasm within 2 minutes of beginning penis-vagina (p-v) sex. Many men think that having a longer erection will increase their partner's pleasure or their own. I wonder if you’ve asked your partners whether THEY also want you to last longer? Are you thinking that if you last longer, somehow a woman will have an orgasm during p-v sex? The fact is that most women DON’T orgasm during p-v sex. It’s a much more effective way for men to orgasm than women.

That said, here are some techniques for lasting longer:

First, slow down during self-pleasuring and unlearn that old pattern of quick orgasm. Try teasing yourself by stimulating yourself just to the point where you feel you’re about to orgasm, then backing off and relaxing, and then beginning again. This will give you a sense of control as well as teach you to recognize your own point of no return (when you know you're about to have an orgasm, no matter what). Another thing to try is when you feel yourself getting close to orgasm, relax, breathe deeply, and cease movement. Some men also find they last longer if they have an orgasm on their own awhile before beginning partner sex. This tends to take the edge off, if you will.

Once you feel in control of your orgasm, you can also examine whether you have any feelings of discomfort with being sexual—either with yourself or with a partner. These feelings of discomfort can create extreme conflict and cause you to feel the need to get it over with quickly. If you look at sex as something to finish quickly—get it up, get it in, get it off—you’ll need to let go of that old mentality. And naturally, any relationship conflicts can also contribute.

And here's another hint: Being a great lover is mostly about having a great imagination, being comfortable with spontaneity, and being a good listener. Dr. J