cant old an erection

i am 23 years old and i hadnt have sex if a few years because i didnt have a girlfriend and i dont belive in "liveral" sex, i have had girfriends before and have had sex before and everithing was fine, but now its not holding the erection for a long timeso, i have a girfriend now bot every time we try to have sex for one reason or another i seem to lose my erection i think that its because i was tired so i thought that my "stamina" was messed up but i dont know, i seem to be lubriicating fine and "everything" seems to be functional but i just want to know if there may be other reasons why i may not be able to hold it for a long time.

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Hello.

I’m not sure what you’re referring to when you say you don’t believe in “liveral” sex, because I have no idea what that is.

Erections go up and down. You’ll find this happening all your life. It doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy sex, but you have to adjust your attitude and relax. I suspect that when your penis didn’t respond on command because you were tired, you started feeling anxious and judging yourself, which can be a vicious circle. The more you worry about erections, the more your penis won’t cooperate. In fact, it can be downright rebellious! During your life, you’ll find that fatigue, stress and other factors will definitely affect erections.

Many men feel that if their erection goes down even a tiny bit, there’s something wrong with them. Where does this come from?

Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. Ask yourself whether you have any conflicts about being sexual—any old messages that might be lurking in your subconscious.

For more information about erection issues, attitude, etc., I highly recommend the book “The New Male Sexuality” by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D. It’s widely available in paperback and is an invaluable resource.

Relax, stop putting pressure on yourself and enjoy sex for what it is: pleasure. Give yourself permission to enjoy whatever happens—and find partners who aren’t hung up on performances issues either. Best of luck to you. Dr. J