continuous masturbation & erection problems

I hope you can help me with this one.  Its starting to really affect me and my relationship w/ my husband.

He has been masturbating to magazines/ videos since he was a teen.  He is addicted to it and does it multiple times a week just for a "release".  
I dont have a big problem w/ this sometimes, but I wish he would come to me.
He is also so used to the physical feeling of doing it himself, that when we are together, he wants me to do it manually mostly all of the time.
I am craving intimacy and want to have intercourse w/ my husband but he can not seem to maintain an erection or stay that way during intercourse b/c he is so used to manual stimulation getting him off.
So many times we try to have intercourse and it starts out ok but then he loses it.........but if I then do it manually for him, he has no problems.

I dont know what to do.  I've tried to ask him to slow down on the videos and taking care of himself.
He is so used to orgasming that way for years that he has trouble orgasming from any other way including oral or physical intercourse.

I want the closeness w/ my husband.  What should I do ?  HELP !

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

There are two issues here: 1) as you say, it’s possible that your husband has become used to a certain kind of stimulation, and now it’s the only way he can orgasm. Or he may not be receiving enough stimulation from penis-vagina sex. In addition, some condoms interfere with adequate stimulation.

However, there are also other possibilities that may complicate this picture. Something may have happened in the relationship that has created a distance between the two of you, and he may be distracting himself so he doesn’t have to confront his feelings.

He may be conflicted about being sexual with you, or sex with you is no longer satisfying for him, or there may be some unresolved issues in your relationship, or he’s angry about something, and other issues too numerous to discuss here.

The only way for you to get to the bottom of this is to open up a dialogue with him about it. Don’t be defensive, and don’t attack him. He may even be unaware of what’s going on. It’s important to be understanding and realize that you’re in this together, so it’s not just HIS problem. I’d suggest a positive approach in which you both learn more about sexual pleasure as a way to open up a dialogue. How about reading a book together and talking about it? I highly recommend Bernie Zilbergeld’s “The New Male Sexuality,” which is widely available online. This is an excellent discussion-starter and has a wealth of information about men, their attitudes about sex, sexual response, etc. It’s time for the two of you to get experimental and rebuild your sexuality together as a couple. I’m not suggesting he stop self-pleasuring. What I AM suggesting is that the two of you make this a priority and that he put more energy into it than he’s currently putting into self-pleasuring. Best of luck to you both. Dr. J

[javierz]

In regards to your first point, is it possible to learn to orgasm to another kind of stimulation, or is not reversible??

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Hello.

There's no simple answer to you question, because there are so many variables: circumstances, personality, emotional issues, relationship issues, etc.

In my experience, most people can learn to EXPAND their eroticism, especially if they are willing to be experimental and flexible.