double trouble

I have been single for over 15 years waiting for the right guy.  I finally meet someone that I like.  The problem is he has issues having an erection unless it is early in the morning.  Oral sitmulation gets some reaction but not very much.  Even when he is up he still can not ejaculate.  

I have the oposite issue.  I produce to much lubricate so he has trouble getting grip.  That makes it hard for him to keep his erection long enough to have an orgasum. I am able to orgasum multiple times but I feel bad that I can not return the favor.  

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Hi Lori.

There are many reasons why he may be inhibited with you. I’m going to assume that when you say “sex,” you mean he doesn’t orgasm during penis-vagina sex (p-v). This could be due to anxiety—either about sex in general, or about some aspect of his relationship with you. Or perhaps, as you suspect, he’s not receiving enough stimulation during p-v, or might be starting p-v before he’s turned on enough. I’m also wondering how aroused he is by you. He could be bored, or perhaps some aspect of your relationship isn’t satisfying. In addition, some men find that certain condoms limit sensation, and, of course, this can intensify with each experience, leading to more anxiety.

Some practical ideas for him to get more stimulation: ask him to show you how he self-pleasures. He may have developed a habit of very intense stimulation, and now he’s used to it. If so, he may be willing to experiment with other, less intense forms in order to find one that he can get off on. Don’t have p-v sex until he’s absolutely as turned on as he can get. In order to do this, find out what kinds of fantasy images turn him on, and USE them. Try some different positions—ones which give more penile stimulation, such as rear entry. If you lubricate profusely, you might make a habit of wiping up frequently in order to reduce the amount.

There could be other reasons he’s not turned on: Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. Some men are very affected by cultural or family messages that unmarried women who have sex are somehow “dirty” or evil.

So, to recap: he may have negative attitudes about sex in general, or he may have performance issues or be bored or frustrated. Either way, it’s easy to get trapped in a cycle of trying too hard, which, in turn, just leads to more stress. Think about the issues I’ve raised and see if any sound possible. The next step is to open up some dialogue with him. Don’t be defensive. And be sure to tell him that you love being sexual with him, regardless. It’s important he not feel pressured. Be supportive and loving. There’s something going on, and the two of you need to find out together. Once you talk about it, he may just be able to relax and enjoy whatever pleasurable feelings arise, which, in turn, may lead to him relaxing enough to share his orgasm with you. Good luck! Dr. J