erectal disfunction

First time around, I have a good solid erection, but my orgasm is too quick. Once I have the orgasm it takes me too long to get a second erection. Then I start feeling the pressure of not getting the second erection and I get discouraged. Can you please comment on the quick orgasm and the maintaining an erection to extend my intercourse?

Thank you

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Hi Pepe:

After having an orgasm, there is a period of time in which you cannot have another orgasm, and probably won’t become erect either. Think of this as a “recovery” period. The older you get, the longer this period will be. This does not mean you can’t enjoy yourself and have fun; you just need to let go of the idea that you HAVE to have an erection and/or orgasm in order for sex to be pleasurable.

Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure.

The more you think of sex as being about performance, the more worries you'll have. If you're stressed, you'll probably worry even more. And, as you’ve discovered, this can be a vicious circle. For most of us, sex is about fun and pleasure. If you think of it as performance, or a “job,” you’ll set yourself for a stressful experience. Remember: Performance can be the enemy of pleasure and fun. If you’re focused on “performing,” rather than just enjoying yourself, your penis can become incredibly stubborn and uncooperative.

In regards to not lasting as long as you’d like: During their early self-pleasuring experiments, many men learn a very quick orgasm pattern in order to avoid detection—like in the bathroom (“You’ve been in there for hours! What are you doing?”) Learning to come quickly with a partner can also set up this pattern. Guilt, anxiety and relationship conflict may create a situation where some men just want to get it over with quickly so they won’t have to deal with any of those feelings.

The most effective way to slow down your orgasmic response is to slow down your self-pleasuring. While you’re touching yourself, breathe slowly and just enjoy the sensation. When you find yourself approaching that “point of no return” when you think you’re close to orgasm, stop and breathe until you don’t feel the urge to orgasm. Then start again. The more you do this, the more you’ll be in control and able to sense when orgasm is approaching.

Once you learn to control your orgasm, realize that each man has an individual orgasmic pattern unique to him. A lot of this anxiety about “premature” orgasm is based on paranoia, and the idea that it's somehow ideal to have erections last way longer than they tend to realistically for most men, most of the time. Sure, sometimes, a man might last 15 minutes, 30 minutes, even an hour, but 75% of all males have an orgasm within 2 minutes of beginning penis-vagina (p-v) sex. I wonder if you’ve asked your partner how long SHE’d like you to last? Are you thinking that if you last longer, somehow she’ll have an orgasm during p-v sex? The fact is that most women DON’T orgasm during p-v sex. It’s a much more effective way for men to orgasm than women, so please don’t attempt to reach some kind of “orgasmic goal” because you think it will ultimately please her.

So, the message is relax, stop putting pressure on yourself, and learn to enjoy the pleasurable sensations of touching and being touched without a goal in mind. Good luck! Dr. J