he's angry and bitter. what to do?

[iv_hanson]

I am 53 years old.  My boyfriend is 58.  We've been together for 12 years.  He is a wonderful man.  Kind, caring and generous and gentle.   Very smart, good stable job.  He doesn't drink or smoke, doesn't do any drugs and says he never has, and I believe it.  He's just not that into that sort of thing.  He is prone to bitterness and depression although he has always worked through it and managed it before.

He has always been caring and tender, cuddles and gives wonderful hugs.  About eight months ago I noticed that he has been becoming more distant and tense.  I asked him about it and he said, very nastily, that it's nothing I needed to worry about.  That is so very out of character for him that I was speechless.  I pressed him on it and he finally just said 'I'm impotent.  Not that you'd notice.  Probably good news to you anyway'.  I was stunned, and he just got up and left.

After he left he emailed me the next day and said he was ok, and he'd be back when he decided what to do.  I know he's been going to a urologist, and he'd gotten some testosterone implants two years or so ago.  He said they were to combat the lack of energy and ambition that comes with middle age, but last year he decided that they were adversely affecting him in other ways so had stopped.

I know that sex is important to men.  He has always been a very sexual man.  He loved making love.  He wanted to frequently and in all its varieties.  I, on the other hand, don't particularly crave it.  It's enjoyable enough and the orgasms are nice but I don't really want or need sex that often and never have.  I know this was a source of frustration to him, but I submitted to it knowing it was important to him, and after a couple of years I thought we had reached a good compromise.  After a while frequency dropped off quite a bit and I didn't think much about it because we had been together for a while and that's what happens when couples are together for a long time.

So I don't know what to do.  I don't know if he's going to come back.  I don't know what "decided what to do" means.  Is this side effects from the hormones?  Or do I need to call somebody and get him professional help?

[Dalubaba]

Pick up some techniques it they resonate with you and your partner. Google, male and female deer exercise. kegel exercise, Prostate massage, internal and external, Cuddling each other, and learn about kundalini yoga. You will have to tactfully ask him to do these exercise. you may research the subject to gether gining it a humourous touch. There are other thechniques you may search. If he finds that it is worth doing it, he will renew the vigor he had before. If he soes sex therapy, it will do him good.

[AnnieBrooke]

Just how do you anticipate 'calling someone and getting him professional help'?  Short of having him committed, I don't think there is anything someone not related to someone else can do if the person is not interested in having them do it.  It kind of sounds like he is trying to find his way.  Does he go to a therapist?  Has he had a second opinion?

The main thing is, don't let him blame you for his situation.  Maybe he's impotent, maybe if he keeps working with a doctor and a therapist he will find he is not.  But you are who you are, and have the level of sexual interest that you do.  If that was not a great match to his level of interest, he has the right to move on.

You say "I don't know what to do, I don't know if he is going to come back," well, there is nothing you CAN do to make him come back or frankly to make him do anything.  The ball is in his court.  Just don't pick up any blame that he lobs your direction.