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Erection Concerns (Expert Forum)
Erection and Libido problems
Answered by
Janice M Epp, PhD - Female sexual issues, Adolescent sexuality, Male sexual issues
Private Practice
Palo Alto - CA
Questions in the Erection Concerns Forum are being answered by Janice M Epp, PhD, a Clinical Sexologist from The Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. This forum is for questions and discussions about the psychological aspects of Erection problems
Erection and Libido problems
by Dead_End, Sep 23, 2009 04:06PM
Hi, I am a 25 year old male and have been having sexual concerns for a few years now. I have barely been sexually active since I broke up with my last long-term girlfriend, a little over 3 years ago now. I have only had sex with a couple people (maybe 5 times or so in total) since then, which all occurred within 7 or 8 months of the break-up. I had erectile problems with both of the girls I slept with and have never recovered from it. I had a couple of other flings after that (didn't have sex) and the same problem occurred. This problem has caused me to shy away from intimacy altogether to avoid embarrassment and, as a result, I haven't had actual sex in over 2.5 years and no sexual relations AT ALL in the past year. To make things worse I am very self-conscious about the size my 'equipment'. This has taken a massive toll on my self-esteem and I feel very inadequate and less of a man b/c of it. I even act differently around friends, especially women.
I am aware that most of my problem is likely psychological, but how do I know if it is more than that. I don't always get morning wood anymore...only sometimes and my libido is not present. Since I have been single for so long, I resorted to pornography for release, almost on a daily basis. I've read some things where it says that this could be related to loss of libido, which makes sense since it can desensitize. Even if I watch porn, I won't really get an erection without actually stimulating myself for a bit.
This is absolutely pathetic and I am sick of dealing with this. It affects my everyday life and has led to anxiety and depression. It is going to drive me insane! I just want to be back to normal again and have a healthy sex life. It is hard to deal with everyday problems when this is constantly floating around in my head. So I am now caught in a vicious cycle and cannot find my way out. It feels very hopeless and I don't know what to do. Please help!
I am aware that most of my problem is likely psychological, but how do I know if it is more than that. I don't always get morning wood anymore...only sometimes and my libido is not present. Since I have been single for so long, I resorted to pornography for release, almost on a daily basis. I've read some things where it says that this could be related to loss of libido, which makes sense since it can desensitize. Even if I watch porn, I won't really get an erection without actually stimulating myself for a bit.
This is absolutely pathetic and I am sick of dealing with this. It affects my everyday life and has led to anxiety and depression. It is going to drive me insane! I just want to be back to normal again and have a healthy sex life. It is hard to deal with everyday problems when this is constantly floating around in my head. So I am now caught in a vicious cycle and cannot find my way out. It feels very hopeless and I don't know what to do. Please help!
Doctor's Answer
by Janice M Epp, PhD, Sep 29, 2009 06:47PM
, Sep 29, 2009 06:47PMTo: Dead_End
Hello.
There are several things going on here.
1. Your break-up: Has it occurred to you that you might have begun being sexual with women before you had resolved all your feelings about your ex? This is quite understandable. It takes time to move on. You may have thought you were over your ex, but perhaps she's still with you; hence, your inhibition. You might want to look at this and make your peace with it so you can begin the rest of your life. Even if you felt the slightest twinge the first time you had sex after the break-up, this could contribute to your beginning to feel anxious and uncomfortable, which then becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy: the more you worry, the more your penis doesn't cooperate. Something about being sexual with others is causing you anxiety. What do you suppose it is? Is it possible that you’re worrying yourself into this problem? In other words, once you began to worry, you stopped being able to enjoy yourself, so naturally, your erections disappeared. Often, anxiety and nervousness create a situation in which you can't relax enough to feel pleasure.
2. Penis size: Iisn't it time to stop worrying about something you have no control over? Sounds like you’ve bought into the myth that you have to have a larger-than-life penis in order to have great sex. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth.
Our society does a terrible disservice to men by raising them to think that their penis has to be 10 inches long, hard as a rock and last all night. It’s no wonder that many men feel insecure about their penis. Locker room etiquette dictates no staring, so most straight men have only glimpsed other penis sizes and shapes in commercial sex videos, which generally feature men with large penises. If you think everyone else looks like a male porn star, of course you’re going to feel inadequate!
Another contributing factor to this attitude is that while most men see their penises several times a day during urination, they’re usually staring down at their penis, creating a visual distortion that actually makes it appear smaller than it really is.
Like noses, penises all have the same basic shape, with some variation. Let’s consider a few basic facts. For instance, did you know that you can’t tell the size of a man’s erect penis based simply on what it looks like when flaccid (un-erect)? Most penises erect to between 4 and 6 inches, and there’s not much variation in erection size (with exceptions, of course). However, when flaccid, there is much more variation. Some men’s penises are 1 inch when flaccid (we’ll call these growers), and others are 5 inches (we’ll call these show-ers). BUT: during erection, the 1-inch penis may grow to the same 6-inch erect size as the 5-incher. That’s right; despite their differences when flaccid, they’ll both erect to approximately the same size. Why don’t most of us realize this? Because most of us just don’t get the opportunity to see men when they’re flaccid and then erect. And did I mention shrinkage? When men are cold or nervous, the penis and testicles pull up into the body for protection (“I’m hiding!”). If you see a penis right after it’s been in a cold swimming pool, I guarantee it will not resemble its erect self in any way!
There are no magic pills, etc., than can change your penis size. Here’s a thought: why not relax, value your penis for the size and shape it is, and be thoughtful about its care and handling. If you do, it will serve you well your whole life.
3. It also sounds as though you believe that self-pleasuring is somehow harmful or can be done “too much” or that you've become desensitized. The truth is that everyone has different needs and different sexual interests. Some people self-pleasure five times a day, some never, some 5 times a week, some once a month, some 10 times a day, etc. You get the picture, right? Whatever works for you is what works for you.
However, building up erotic tension can be fun. If you are anticipating being sexual with someone, try not having an orgasm for a day or two and see what happens. Perhaps a little erotic tension might just be the spark you need. Or just play with building up erotic tension before self-pleasuring and see what happens.
Welcome to your 20’s! When you're younger and just beginning to be sexual with others, erections pop up everywhere--including when you don't want them! Post-pubescent men are highly excitable. After all, sex with a partner is new, and anything new is terribly exciting. As you age, you'll find that erections sometimes take longer, and even come and go. This is not an indication if ill health, but just part of life.
Since you experience erections during self-pleasuring, it’s probable that there’s no medical or physiological condition interfering—it’s all in your head. However, to be sure you have no underlying physiological cause, you might want to see a urologist for some tests.
Worrying about erections is a dead-end street. All it will do is make you anxious, which will make your penis very uncooperative. And remember you don't need an erection to be sexual, have fun, experience pleasure, etc. Relax, enjoy your own unique sexuality and stop judging yourself.
For more information about male sexual issues, I recommend “The New Male Sexuality,” by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D., widely available online, both used and in paperback. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
There are several things going on here.
1. Your break-up: Has it occurred to you that you might have begun being sexual with women before you had resolved all your feelings about your ex? This is quite understandable. It takes time to move on. You may have thought you were over your ex, but perhaps she's still with you; hence, your inhibition. You might want to look at this and make your peace with it so you can begin the rest of your life. Even if you felt the slightest twinge the first time you had sex after the break-up, this could contribute to your beginning to feel anxious and uncomfortable, which then becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy: the more you worry, the more your penis doesn't cooperate. Something about being sexual with others is causing you anxiety. What do you suppose it is? Is it possible that you’re worrying yourself into this problem? In other words, once you began to worry, you stopped being able to enjoy yourself, so naturally, your erections disappeared. Often, anxiety and nervousness create a situation in which you can't relax enough to feel pleasure.
2. Penis size: Iisn't it time to stop worrying about something you have no control over? Sounds like you’ve bought into the myth that you have to have a larger-than-life penis in order to have great sex. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth.
Our society does a terrible disservice to men by raising them to think that their penis has to be 10 inches long, hard as a rock and last all night. It’s no wonder that many men feel insecure about their penis. Locker room etiquette dictates no staring, so most straight men have only glimpsed other penis sizes and shapes in commercial sex videos, which generally feature men with large penises. If you think everyone else looks like a male porn star, of course you’re going to feel inadequate!
Another contributing factor to this attitude is that while most men see their penises several times a day during urination, they’re usually staring down at their penis, creating a visual distortion that actually makes it appear smaller than it really is.
Like noses, penises all have the same basic shape, with some variation. Let’s consider a few basic facts. For instance, did you know that you can’t tell the size of a man’s erect penis based simply on what it looks like when flaccid (un-erect)? Most penises erect to between 4 and 6 inches, and there’s not much variation in erection size (with exceptions, of course). However, when flaccid, there is much more variation. Some men’s penises are 1 inch when flaccid (we’ll call these growers), and others are 5 inches (we’ll call these show-ers). BUT: during erection, the 1-inch penis may grow to the same 6-inch erect size as the 5-incher. That’s right; despite their differences when flaccid, they’ll both erect to approximately the same size. Why don’t most of us realize this? Because most of us just don’t get the opportunity to see men when they’re flaccid and then erect. And did I mention shrinkage? When men are cold or nervous, the penis and testicles pull up into the body for protection (“I’m hiding!”). If you see a penis right after it’s been in a cold swimming pool, I guarantee it will not resemble its erect self in any way!
There are no magic pills, etc., than can change your penis size. Here’s a thought: why not relax, value your penis for the size and shape it is, and be thoughtful about its care and handling. If you do, it will serve you well your whole life.
3. It also sounds as though you believe that self-pleasuring is somehow harmful or can be done “too much” or that you've become desensitized. The truth is that everyone has different needs and different sexual interests. Some people self-pleasure five times a day, some never, some 5 times a week, some once a month, some 10 times a day, etc. You get the picture, right? Whatever works for you is what works for you.
However, building up erotic tension can be fun. If you are anticipating being sexual with someone, try not having an orgasm for a day or two and see what happens. Perhaps a little erotic tension might just be the spark you need. Or just play with building up erotic tension before self-pleasuring and see what happens.
Welcome to your 20’s! When you're younger and just beginning to be sexual with others, erections pop up everywhere--including when you don't want them! Post-pubescent men are highly excitable. After all, sex with a partner is new, and anything new is terribly exciting. As you age, you'll find that erections sometimes take longer, and even come and go. This is not an indication if ill health, but just part of life.
Since you experience erections during self-pleasuring, it’s probable that there’s no medical or physiological condition interfering—it’s all in your head. However, to be sure you have no underlying physiological cause, you might want to see a urologist for some tests.
Worrying about erections is a dead-end street. All it will do is make you anxious, which will make your penis very uncooperative. And remember you don't need an erection to be sexual, have fun, experience pleasure, etc. Relax, enjoy your own unique sexuality and stop judging yourself.
For more information about male sexual issues, I recommend “The New Male Sexuality,” by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D., widely available online, both used and in paperback. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
Member Comments (2)
by flyguy_86, Sep 30, 2009 06:52AM
hey i just wan to tell you hang in there I am going through similar problems and i no how you feel trust me but ya know life goes on
