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Erection Concerns (Expert Forum)
I CANT STAY HARD DURING SEX
Answered by
Janice M Epp, PhD - Female sexual issues, Adolescent sexuality, Male sexual issues
Private Practice
Palo Alto - CA
Questions in the Erection Concerns Forum are being answered by Janice M Epp, PhD, a Clinical Sexologist from The Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. This forum is for questions and discussions about the psychological aspects of Erection problems
I CANT STAY HARD DURING SEX
by rell05, Oct 10, 2009 07:04PM
hi, BASICALLY IM GOING TO GET RIGHT INTO IT. IM 21YRS OLD I LOVE SEX WHICH IS GREAT EVERYTIME I GET IN THE BED WITH A GIRL CONDOM OR NO CONDOM I CANT STAY HARD. I CANT STAY HARD FOR ORAL EITHER, OR SEX. SO THIS SI STEP BY STEP WHAT HAPPENS AND IN THE BED AND HOPEFULLY YOU CAN HELP. ME AND THIS GIRL WERE IN THE BED KISSING, GRABBING AND ALL THE GOOD STUFF MAYBE 5-10MINS. AND I GET HARD AS A MISSILE, NEXT WE MIX IN THE FOREPLAY WILL TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES. I USE MY FINGERS, AND I DO ORAL FOR THE HER. AND I THIS TIME IM SEMI HARD NOT LIKE I WAS WHEN WE WERE KISSING AND GRABBING EACH OHER THOUGH. SO THEN WE SWITCH IT UP AND I RECIEVE SOME ORAL FROM HERE WHICH IS GOOD AND I GET HARD AGAIN BT STILL NT HARD AS I AM USED TOO. AFTER THE ORAL I PUT ON THE CONDOM AND WE BEGIN TO HAVE SEX. EVERYTHING SOUNDS GOOD RIGHT BT ITS NOT!!!!!! WE WILL BE IN ON POSITION AND THEN GO TO SWITCH IT UP AND AS SOON AS WE SWITCH TO MY FAVORITE POSITION (DOGGYSTYLE) FROM MISSIONARY I GO LIMP JUST IN THOSE FEW SECONDS!!!! IV NOTICED A PROBLEM THOUGH I CANT FEEL ANYTHING WITH THE CONDOM ON. SO WE TRIED WITH THE CONDOM OFF AND THE EXACT SAME THING HAPPENED. AND ONCE I LOSE IT THATS IT I CANT GET HARD ANYMORE. IM NOT BUSTING EARLY OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. SO I THOUGHT MAY I MASTERBATE TOO MUCH, I NORAMALLY DO IT ONCE A DAY SO I STOPPED AND DO IT LIKE ONCE EVERY TWO DAYS AND THAT DIDNT HELP. SO I CUT BACK AGAIN AND NOW I TRY NT TOO AT ALL BT WE TRIED TO HAVE SEX LIKE EVERY OTHER DAY IF THAT WAS POSSIBLE BT THATS NOT WORKKING BCUZ I CANT STAY HARD!!! IM SO FRUSTRATED AND THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED WITH ANY OTHER GIRLS I HAVE HAD SEX WITH BEFORE. I FEEL LOST IN THIS WHOLE SITUATION AND DNT KNOW WHAT TO DO! IM NT OBESE I WEIGH 170 IM ATHLETIC I STAY IN SHAPE I EAT HEALTHY FOODS FOR THE MOST PART. I WANT ME AND MY JOHNSON TO BE ON THE SAME PAGE JUST LIKE WE USED TO BE HAVING SEX AND FEELING GREAT! PLZ PLZ PLZ HELP!!!!!
Doctor's Answer
by Janice M Epp, PhD, Oct 17, 2009 03:14PM
, Oct 17, 2009 03:14PMTo: rell05
Welcome to your 20’s! Erections go up and down. You’ll find this happening all your life. It doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy sex, but you have to let go of expectations of being a sexual superman all the time.
Much of your problem is due to your attitude. Once you experienced anything less than what to you is a “perfect” erection, you started feeling anxious and judging yourself, which can be a vicious circle. The more you worry about erections, the more your penis won’t cooperate. In fact, it can be downright rebellious! Many men feel that if their erection goes down even a tiny bit, there’s something wrong with them. Where does this come from?
Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. Ask yourself whether you have any conflicts about being sexual—any old messages that might be lurking in your subconscious. In addition, some men find that certain condoms limit sensation, and, of course, this can intensify with each experience, leading to more anxiety.
You can generally determine whether your condition may be physically related by the following: when you wake up, do you notice your erections are firmer than during partner sex? If so, then your body is working fine—it’s your heart/brain that’s getting in the way once you’re fully awake.
And please don’t stop using a condom unless you have another back-up method of birth control/risk reduction. If the condoms you’re using are interfering with sensation, try some of the thinner ones and see if these help.
Most importantly, stop thinking that good sex is dependent on a hard penis. Have fun, enjoy being touched and touching and let go of your anxiety and fear. For more information about erection issues, attitude, etc., I highly recommend the book “The New Male Sexuality” by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D. It’s widely available in paperback and is an invaluable resource.
Relax, stop putting pressure on yourself and enjoy sex for what it is: pleasure. Give yourself permission to enjoy whatever happens—and find partners who aren’t hung up on performance issues either. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
Much of your problem is due to your attitude. Once you experienced anything less than what to you is a “perfect” erection, you started feeling anxious and judging yourself, which can be a vicious circle. The more you worry about erections, the more your penis won’t cooperate. In fact, it can be downright rebellious! Many men feel that if their erection goes down even a tiny bit, there’s something wrong with them. Where does this come from?
Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. Ask yourself whether you have any conflicts about being sexual—any old messages that might be lurking in your subconscious. In addition, some men find that certain condoms limit sensation, and, of course, this can intensify with each experience, leading to more anxiety.
You can generally determine whether your condition may be physically related by the following: when you wake up, do you notice your erections are firmer than during partner sex? If so, then your body is working fine—it’s your heart/brain that’s getting in the way once you’re fully awake.
And please don’t stop using a condom unless you have another back-up method of birth control/risk reduction. If the condoms you’re using are interfering with sensation, try some of the thinner ones and see if these help.
Most importantly, stop thinking that good sex is dependent on a hard penis. Have fun, enjoy being touched and touching and let go of your anxiety and fear. For more information about erection issues, attitude, etc., I highly recommend the book “The New Male Sexuality” by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D. It’s widely available in paperback and is an invaluable resource.
Relax, stop putting pressure on yourself and enjoy sex for what it is: pleasure. Give yourself permission to enjoy whatever happens—and find partners who aren’t hung up on performance issues either. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
