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Erection Concerns (Expert Forum)
erection issues
Answered by
Janice M Epp, PhD - Female sexual issues, Adolescent sexuality, Male sexual issues
Private Practice
Palo Alto - CA
Questions in the Erection Concerns Forum are being answered by Janice M Epp, PhD, a Clinical Sexologist from The Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. This forum is for questions and discussions about the psychological aspects of Erection problems
erection issues
by Yavor, Nov 09, 2009 03:41AM
Hello, I'm a 24-year-old gay guy and I honestly can say that I've been having some problems with my erection. It might be sort of confusing, I got circumsized 2.5 years ago because I had some infection; a different urologist than the one who performed the surgery told me I've been properly cut, however, the first time I tried to sleep with a guy after the surgery I lost my erection after putting the condom on, later on I would continue to think about that a lot and would not understand why it happened, before the surgery I cannot really say I've had a lot of experience with intercourse, I think 5 or 6 times maybe. I've noticed that since the surgery I've been paying too much attention to what is going on with my penis and I never used to do that before, so I cannot remember for how long I've been able to maintain erection before that, but somehow I feel like it was easier. Since then I've had some good nights and some really embarassing nights, I would constantly think about the erection, even from the moment I start kissing the guy. I also do not have morning erections, almost never; unfortunately I do not remember how often I had morning erections before I was circumsized, as I never paid attention to that. I play tennis about 2 times a week, I have never smoked in my life and I drink probably once a moth, I do not drink coffe, tea or carbonated drinks, could it be spicy food? since I moved to a country that offers a lot of such?
I'm very disappointed with myself and there are times when I cannot stop thinking about that, times when I would wake up at night (as I usually do not sleep well) and check if I have an erection. I've read here and there that many men who function properly do not have a morning erection. I am very confused, could it be the fact that I am now circumsized and do not have the foreskin anymore? I am regularly depressed at times becuase of this, any help or advice would be highly appreciated.
Thank you.
I'm very disappointed with myself and there are times when I cannot stop thinking about that, times when I would wake up at night (as I usually do not sleep well) and check if I have an erection. I've read here and there that many men who function properly do not have a morning erection. I am very confused, could it be the fact that I am now circumsized and do not have the foreskin anymore? I am regularly depressed at times becuase of this, any help or advice would be highly appreciated.
Thank you.
Doctor's Answer
by Janice M Epp, PhD, Nov 12, 2009 05:04PM
, Nov 12, 2009 05:04PMTo: Yavor
Hi.
First of all, stop being so hard on yourself (no pun intended). You're making the situation worse by all these judgements.
I’m really glad you asked this question, because it gives us a chance to examine another area of erection concerns that hasn’t been discussed yet. Realize that I’m going to give you lots of possibilities, and your role is to figure out whether any of these fit for you, and then explore them.
Diet and exercise are important to your overall general health; however, they're not causing this concern.
It sounds to me like you may have created a large part of this situation. The key here is that you mention that you can't stop thinking about erections--in fact, obsessing about them. Now you've become your own worst enemy.
It's also possible that some aspect of being sexual with a partner is problematic and creating conflicts for you. Let’s look at some potential issues.
Our society does a terrible disservice to men by raising them to think that their penis has to be 10 inches long, hard as a rock and last all night. It’s no wonder that many men feel insecure about their sexuality. Great sex involves your whole body; in fact, having great, mutually satisfying sex is usually quite the opposite of what you see in those performance-oriented sex videos.
The more you think of sex as being about performance, the more you’ll worry that your penis isn’t doing what you think it should. And this can be a vicious circle. For most of us, sex is about fun and pleasure. If you think of it as performance, or a “job,” you’ll set yourself for a stressful experience. Remember: Performance can be the enemy of pleasure and fun.
Men receive so many messages that sex is about pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure we’re experiencing.
Lastly, you may be feeling conflicted because of some unresolved sexual orientation issues. Many of us think we’ve handled all that stuff, but it has a way of creeping into our subconscious at the most inappropriate times. Think about your past and whether there are some old messages about being Gay that are still lingering there. Maybe you were teased, did you ever feel like you didn’t fit in, or you did you have some other feelings of being an “outcast”? This can result in internalized homophobia—in other words, self-hate. Some people don’t even realize that any of those old childhood hurts are still lurking about and doing damage. You’ve probably read lots of books about this, but if not, there’s an excellent online bookstore, Lambda Rising, which carries some very helpful books. http://www.lambdarising.com/NASApp/store/IndexJsp
One other issue: the fact that you think you're not having erections when you wake up may indicate some physiological issues. You need to find a urologist who specializes in erection issues and get some tests done to see if you have any vascular problems which are affecting erection.
Well, there you have it—a whole litany of possible causes for you to chew on. Take a deep breath and dive in. Good luck! Dr. J
First of all, stop being so hard on yourself (no pun intended). You're making the situation worse by all these judgements.
I’m really glad you asked this question, because it gives us a chance to examine another area of erection concerns that hasn’t been discussed yet. Realize that I’m going to give you lots of possibilities, and your role is to figure out whether any of these fit for you, and then explore them.
Diet and exercise are important to your overall general health; however, they're not causing this concern.
It sounds to me like you may have created a large part of this situation. The key here is that you mention that you can't stop thinking about erections--in fact, obsessing about them. Now you've become your own worst enemy.
It's also possible that some aspect of being sexual with a partner is problematic and creating conflicts for you. Let’s look at some potential issues.
Our society does a terrible disservice to men by raising them to think that their penis has to be 10 inches long, hard as a rock and last all night. It’s no wonder that many men feel insecure about their sexuality. Great sex involves your whole body; in fact, having great, mutually satisfying sex is usually quite the opposite of what you see in those performance-oriented sex videos.
The more you think of sex as being about performance, the more you’ll worry that your penis isn’t doing what you think it should. And this can be a vicious circle. For most of us, sex is about fun and pleasure. If you think of it as performance, or a “job,” you’ll set yourself for a stressful experience. Remember: Performance can be the enemy of pleasure and fun.
Men receive so many messages that sex is about pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure we’re experiencing.
Lastly, you may be feeling conflicted because of some unresolved sexual orientation issues. Many of us think we’ve handled all that stuff, but it has a way of creeping into our subconscious at the most inappropriate times. Think about your past and whether there are some old messages about being Gay that are still lingering there. Maybe you were teased, did you ever feel like you didn’t fit in, or you did you have some other feelings of being an “outcast”? This can result in internalized homophobia—in other words, self-hate. Some people don’t even realize that any of those old childhood hurts are still lurking about and doing damage. You’ve probably read lots of books about this, but if not, there’s an excellent online bookstore, Lambda Rising, which carries some very helpful books. http://www.lambdarising.com/NASApp/store/IndexJsp
One other issue: the fact that you think you're not having erections when you wake up may indicate some physiological issues. You need to find a urologist who specializes in erection issues and get some tests done to see if you have any vascular problems which are affecting erection.
Well, there you have it—a whole litany of possible causes for you to chew on. Take a deep breath and dive in. Good luck! Dr. J
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