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Erection Concerns (Expert Forum)
erection: physcological or physical problem
Answered by
Janice M Epp, PhD - Female sexual issues, Adolescent sexuality, Male sexual issues
Private Practice
Palo Alto - CA
Questions in the Erection Concerns Forum are being answered by Janice M Epp, PhD, a Clinical Sexologist from The Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. This forum is for questions and discussions about the psychological aspects of Erection problems
erection: physcological or physical problem
by lexy288, Oct 16, 2009 03:42AM
hi i m a woman and i m 20 years old. i have recently started dating a very nice guy who s only 23 yrs old and we instantly clicked and liked each other and he s always telling me how beautiful i am and that i m perfect for him etc...
one night we started talking about sexual issues and we felt really close to each other and we wanted each other so badly when we started touching each other it got really hot and he was perfectly erected, but when he started to go down there to give me some oral sex and came back on me his penis was not erect anymore. And we had a huge problem to erect it again. I was so down morally that i couldnt make myself help him to erect again because i thought that he didnt like me or didnt like anything i was doing. he kept trying and when he entered me he got hard again and after a split second he orgasmed! i really dont understand how that could have happened! he saw me really sad.
but he just kept saying that it wasn t me the problem but him. he just kept saying i m really sry i do like you, you re beautiful. he told me he was just worried and panicking.
should i believe him? i mean can a man really like a woman and still have a difficulty to get erected? or am i the real problem? maybe i am not that beautiful for him in truth? i am so confused cause this hasnt ever happened to me before!
one night we started talking about sexual issues and we felt really close to each other and we wanted each other so badly when we started touching each other it got really hot and he was perfectly erected, but when he started to go down there to give me some oral sex and came back on me his penis was not erect anymore. And we had a huge problem to erect it again. I was so down morally that i couldnt make myself help him to erect again because i thought that he didnt like me or didnt like anything i was doing. he kept trying and when he entered me he got hard again and after a split second he orgasmed! i really dont understand how that could have happened! he saw me really sad.
but he just kept saying that it wasn t me the problem but him. he just kept saying i m really sry i do like you, you re beautiful. he told me he was just worried and panicking.
should i believe him? i mean can a man really like a woman and still have a difficulty to get erected? or am i the real problem? maybe i am not that beautiful for him in truth? i am so confused cause this hasnt ever happened to me before!
Doctor's Answer
by Janice M Epp, PhD, Oct 19, 2009 02:50PM
, Oct 19, 2009 02:50PMTo: lexy288
Hi Lexy.
First, the short answers to your questions:
Yes, you should believe him. Yes, a man can like a woman and be turned on to her and still have conflicts about sex that prevent him from relaxing and enjoying it. No, you’re probably not the problem. I have no idea whether he thinks you’re beautiful.
It’s obvious that there’s something about being sexual with you—or with women in general—that creates discomfort for him. And guess what? It’s not your “job” to find out. If you truly care about this man and want to be with him. You will help him—and yourself—to relax and stop being so judgmental. He was obviously worried about pleasing you. Worry and anxiety are the enemies of good sex. If you can’t relax, you can’t enjoy yourself. I think he also had a very quick orgasm for the same reason.
So what’s your next step? Talk to him and tell him you understand that he was nervous and worried during your first time together. Next, ask what the two of you can do to make things more relaxed and pleasurable. Tell him there’s no pressure on him to be erect, etc. In fact, just touching pleasurably is something the two of you can explore instead of having to get to the “main event” and putting so much emphasis on it. My guess is that once the two of you can relax together, things will be fine.
If they’re NOT, then you might encourage him to write to me himself, since I don’t know what his issues are—and neither do you. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
First, the short answers to your questions:
Yes, you should believe him. Yes, a man can like a woman and be turned on to her and still have conflicts about sex that prevent him from relaxing and enjoying it. No, you’re probably not the problem. I have no idea whether he thinks you’re beautiful.
It’s obvious that there’s something about being sexual with you—or with women in general—that creates discomfort for him. And guess what? It’s not your “job” to find out. If you truly care about this man and want to be with him. You will help him—and yourself—to relax and stop being so judgmental. He was obviously worried about pleasing you. Worry and anxiety are the enemies of good sex. If you can’t relax, you can’t enjoy yourself. I think he also had a very quick orgasm for the same reason.
So what’s your next step? Talk to him and tell him you understand that he was nervous and worried during your first time together. Next, ask what the two of you can do to make things more relaxed and pleasurable. Tell him there’s no pressure on him to be erect, etc. In fact, just touching pleasurably is something the two of you can explore instead of having to get to the “main event” and putting so much emphasis on it. My guess is that once the two of you can relax together, things will be fine.
If they’re NOT, then you might encourage him to write to me himself, since I don’t know what his issues are—and neither do you. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
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