inability to ejaculate

[Jennjo]

My boyfriend and I have had a persistent problem where he is unable to reach climax and ejaculate during sex and loses his erection out of frustration or defeat. We have experienced this problem since the beginning of our relationship. He would orgasm less and less over time, until after the 3rd month or so he stopped all-together. Since that time (we have been together for a year and a half now) he has only orgasmed a couple of times, each time spread out over SEVERAL months. Sex, for both him and I, is very frustrating. He is easily turned on, but doesnt keep his erection, or gets worn out trying for an hour to ejaculate.

He was able to reach climax and orgasm in the past, in the beginning of our relationship, and has always been able to with the other short-term partners he has had. He had the same issue with his only other long-term relationship, and that ended with infidelity. I fear we are heading down the same road unless we are able to solve this problem. Will pills like viagra work for him, since often-times he has trouble keeping his erection? Is there anyone out there with words of wisdom or advice for us? We are deeply in love and will do as much as it takes to make our physical relationship as healthy as our emotional bond. Thanks!

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

You state that your partner has orgasms with “short-term partners” but once he’s in a long-term relationship, he’s unable to orgasm. Sounds like something is preventing him from allowing himself to get turned on. And that “something” might have to do with caring about you, or it might be that once he’s in a long-term relationship, he begins to get anxious about pleasing you. Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. The other message that many men—and women—receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. So, to recap: he may have negative attitudes about sex in general, or he may have performance issues. Either way, it’s easy to get trapped in a cycle of trying too hard, which, in turn, just leads to more stress. And you know what? It’s not that uncommon, and it’s not that hard to change. Take a deep breath, and talk with him in a caring and non-judgmental way about what’s going on. You might encourage him to write his own question to me, to share what’s going on in his head when he’s being sexual with you. Good luck—and do write back and let us know how things are going! Dr. J

[jml1986]

Viagra could help, but it is really something he would need to talk to a urologist about. There might be some underlying health issue that is causing it, or a psychological issue that is causing it, you never know. The best thing to do is start with a urology checkup and go from there.

[jml1986]

Also I forgot to add that if he is taking any type of medication that might be causing it, you would need to know that.

[Sylvan]

One can have orgasm without ejaculation. A state of bliss is reached in which both lovers feel fulfilled without demanding the ultimate. Breathing together and directing sexual energy towards the solar plexus and the heart helps. Try less hard and it may happen.

[elvis666]

i dont agree with sylvan the best thing to do for you is consult a doctor first see what they say but if its psycological...i say you dont have sex at all for a while say 2 months or a montha and a half and you have to come back good do every thing he wants and more and first when he wants you dont give it to him make him wait because it builds up in you the more you want ...show him some skin but not all of it...and drive him nuts all day..tease him yall sleep together...6am best time after some sleep in the morning guaranteed....good luck my personal advice is this because i wasnt frustrated when that happened to me but i wanted more in a girl ....the 6 am thing reallly works

[sherazi]

hi
   i think stress is a big hurdle in sex . it may be in the subconcious for longer times . so just relax n do,t think about sex  . just take it very normal . gradually it will work out .

[rubbernecker]

A related discussion, Have had growing problems over the last 7 years was started.