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Erection Concerns (Expert Forum)
less time of p-v relatoin ship
Answered by
Janice M Epp, PhD - Female sexual issues, Adolescent sexuality, Male sexual issues
Private Practice
Palo Alto - CA
Questions in the Erection Concerns Forum are being answered by Janice M Epp, PhD, a Clinical Sexologist from The Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. This forum is for questions and discussions about the psychological aspects of Erection problems
less time of p-v relatoin ship
by payal1981, Sep 30, 2009 09:09PM
hi doc,
im male 28, i ve doing masturbation since i was 14.(on daily basis).
then i had a gf when i 17 n by 18 we started sex. we used to have it at her home the act was done in a very qiuck way(as i also get discharge very fast). but when she does orally it might take 10-15 mins. now we brke up last year and i dont had sex for last one year. once i visited a women but i could hardly get an erection. iused to put in n it get loose. then for some secs i used to shake my penis n it get erected but when i put it in it get loose again. is this a problem or just psycological. even today i used to masturbete on a regular basis as i could not sleep without doing it.
in ten years of my sexual life with my gf we had sex almost daily.
im male 28, i ve doing masturbation since i was 14.(on daily basis).
then i had a gf when i 17 n by 18 we started sex. we used to have it at her home the act was done in a very qiuck way(as i also get discharge very fast). but when she does orally it might take 10-15 mins. now we brke up last year and i dont had sex for last one year. once i visited a women but i could hardly get an erection. iused to put in n it get loose. then for some secs i used to shake my penis n it get erected but when i put it in it get loose again. is this a problem or just psycological. even today i used to masturbete on a regular basis as i could not sleep without doing it.
in ten years of my sexual life with my gf we had sex almost daily.
Doctor's Answer
by Janice M Epp, PhD, Oct 02, 2009 02:56PM
, Oct 02, 2009 02:56PMTo: payal1981
Hello.
Let me clear up some confusion. Masturbation (self-pleasuring) does not "cause" you to come before you'd like to. However, during their early self-pleasuring experiments, many men learn a very quick orgasm pattern in order to avoid detection—like in the bathroom (“You’ve been in there for hours! What are you doing?”) So if you learned to come quickly when being sexual with yourself, that can also set up a lifelong pattern. Learning to come quickly with a partner can also set up this pattern. Guilt and anxiety about sex may also create a situation where some men just want to get it over with quickly so they won’t have to deal with any of those feelings. And, of course, if you’re focused on “performing,” rather than just enjoying yourself, your penis can become incredibly stubborn and uncooperative. Something is getting in the way of your being able to relax and be sexual with a partner. I wonder if you have any idea about what’s making you anxious?
Once you learn to control your orgasm, realize that each man has an individual orgasmic pattern unique to him. A lot of this anxiety about “premature” ejaculation is based on paranoia, and the idea that it's somehow ideal to have erections last way longer than they tend to realistically for most men, most of the time. Sure, sometimes, a man might last 15 minutes, 30 minutes, even an hour, but 75% of all males have an orgasm within 2 minutes of beginning penis-vagina (p-v) sex. I wonder if you’ve asked your partner how long she would like you to last? Are you thinking that if you last longer, somehow she’ll have an orgasm during p-v sex? The fact is that most women DON’T orgasm during p-v sex. It’s a much more effective way for men to orgasm than women, so please don’t attempt to reach some kind of “orgasmic goal” because you think it will ultimately please her.
That said, here are some techniques for lasting longer:
First, slow down during self-pleasuring and unlearn that old pattern of quick orgasm. Try teasing yourself by stimulating yourself just to the point where you feel you’re about to orgasm, then backing off and relaxing, and then beginning again. This will give you a sense of control as well as teach you to recognize your own point of no return (when you know you're about to have an orgasm, no matter what). Another thing to try is when you feel yourself getting close to orgasm, relax, breathe deeply, and cease movement. Some men also find they last longer if they have an orgasm on their own awhile before beginning partner sex. This tends to take the edge off, if you will.
Once you feel in control of your orgasm, you can also examine whether you have any feelings of discomfort with being sexual—either with yourself or with a partner. These feelings of discomfort can create extreme conflict and cause you to feel the need to get it over with quickly. If you look at sex as something to finish quickly—get it up, get it in, get it off—you’ll need to let go of that old mentality. And naturally, if there are any relationship conflicts or you’re angry or feeling resentful about your partner, these can also contribute to wanting to get it over with. In addition, these feelings can also inhibit erections with a partner. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
Let me clear up some confusion. Masturbation (self-pleasuring) does not "cause" you to come before you'd like to. However, during their early self-pleasuring experiments, many men learn a very quick orgasm pattern in order to avoid detection—like in the bathroom (“You’ve been in there for hours! What are you doing?”) So if you learned to come quickly when being sexual with yourself, that can also set up a lifelong pattern. Learning to come quickly with a partner can also set up this pattern. Guilt and anxiety about sex may also create a situation where some men just want to get it over with quickly so they won’t have to deal with any of those feelings. And, of course, if you’re focused on “performing,” rather than just enjoying yourself, your penis can become incredibly stubborn and uncooperative. Something is getting in the way of your being able to relax and be sexual with a partner. I wonder if you have any idea about what’s making you anxious?
Once you learn to control your orgasm, realize that each man has an individual orgasmic pattern unique to him. A lot of this anxiety about “premature” ejaculation is based on paranoia, and the idea that it's somehow ideal to have erections last way longer than they tend to realistically for most men, most of the time. Sure, sometimes, a man might last 15 minutes, 30 minutes, even an hour, but 75% of all males have an orgasm within 2 minutes of beginning penis-vagina (p-v) sex. I wonder if you’ve asked your partner how long she would like you to last? Are you thinking that if you last longer, somehow she’ll have an orgasm during p-v sex? The fact is that most women DON’T orgasm during p-v sex. It’s a much more effective way for men to orgasm than women, so please don’t attempt to reach some kind of “orgasmic goal” because you think it will ultimately please her.
That said, here are some techniques for lasting longer:
First, slow down during self-pleasuring and unlearn that old pattern of quick orgasm. Try teasing yourself by stimulating yourself just to the point where you feel you’re about to orgasm, then backing off and relaxing, and then beginning again. This will give you a sense of control as well as teach you to recognize your own point of no return (when you know you're about to have an orgasm, no matter what). Another thing to try is when you feel yourself getting close to orgasm, relax, breathe deeply, and cease movement. Some men also find they last longer if they have an orgasm on their own awhile before beginning partner sex. This tends to take the edge off, if you will.
Once you feel in control of your orgasm, you can also examine whether you have any feelings of discomfort with being sexual—either with yourself or with a partner. These feelings of discomfort can create extreme conflict and cause you to feel the need to get it over with quickly. If you look at sex as something to finish quickly—get it up, get it in, get it off—you’ll need to let go of that old mentality. And naturally, if there are any relationship conflicts or you’re angry or feeling resentful about your partner, these can also contribute to wanting to get it over with. In addition, these feelings can also inhibit erections with a partner. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
