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Erection Concerns (Expert Forum)
problem plus
Answered by
Janice M Epp, PhD - Female sexual issues, Adolescent sexuality, Male sexual issues
Private Practice
Palo Alto - CA
Questions in the Erection Concerns Forum are being answered by Janice M Epp, PhD, a Clinical Sexologist from The Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. This forum is for questions and discussions about the psychological aspects of Erection problems
problem plus
by sheikh1983, Oct 30, 2009 12:51PM
Well thanks to be here to help us
My problem is that I have been masturbating for last 12 years or so. Now I am going to be married in some time in near future but the prole is that my penny is about 4 inch and its not at all thick, also the timing is just in seconds. I am realy concerned and dont want to get married else want to ran away from home. Also I feel weaken after i ejaculates, i cant stop the masturbation. please help me wat should I do, I did many allopathic, homeopathic and herbal treatment an they just affected for the time being..wat should I do
My problem is that I have been masturbating for last 12 years or so. Now I am going to be married in some time in near future but the prole is that my penny is about 4 inch and its not at all thick, also the timing is just in seconds. I am realy concerned and dont want to get married else want to ran away from home. Also I feel weaken after i ejaculates, i cant stop the masturbation. please help me wat should I do, I did many allopathic, homeopathic and herbal treatment an they just affected for the time being..wat should I do
Doctor's Answer
by Janice M Epp, PhD, Nov 02, 2009 03:34PM
, Nov 02, 2009 03:34PMTo: sheikh1983
Hello.
First, congratulations on your upcoming marriage. Let me help you stop worrying and enjoy your life.
There are many myths about sex, but none so powerful as the three you mention. So many myths, so little time… Let’s clear up some misunderstandings.
First, about penis size: Sounds like you’ve bought into the myth that you have to have a larger-than-life penis in order to have great sex. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth.
Our society does a terrible disservice to men by raising them to think that their penis has to be 10 inches long, hard as a rock and last all night. It’s no wonder that many men feel insecure about their penis. Locker room etiquette dictates no staring, so most straight men have only glimpsed other penis sizes and shapes in commercial sex videos, which generally feature men with large penises. If you think everyone else looks like a male porn star, of course you’re going to feel inadequate!
Another contributing factor to this attitude is that while most men see their penises several times a day during urination, they’re usually staring down at their penis, creating a visual distortion that actually makes it appear smaller than it really is.
Like noses, penises all have the same basic shape, with some variation. Let’s consider a few basic facts. For instance, did you know that you can’t tell the size of a man’s erect penis based simply on what it looks like when flaccid (un-erect)? Most penises erect to between 4 and 6 inches, and there’s not much variation in erection size (with exceptions, of course). However, when flaccid, there is much more variation. Some men’s penises are 1 inch when flaccid (we’ll call these growers), and others are 5 inches (we’ll call these show-ers). BUT: during erection, the 1-inch penis may grow to the same 6-inch erect size as the 5-incher. That’s right; despite their differences when flaccid, they’ll both erect to approximately the same size. Why don’t most of us realize this? Because most of us just don’t get the opportunity to see men when they’re flaccid and then erect. And did I mention shrinkage? When men are cold or nervous, the penis and testicles pull up into the body for protection (“I’m hiding!”). If you see a penis right after it’s been in a cold swimming pool, I guarantee it will not resemble its erect self in any way!
There are no magic pills, etc., than can change your penis size. Here’s a thought: why not relax, value your penis for the size and shape it is, and be thoughtful about its care and handling. If you do, it will serve you well your whole life.
The second myth is that masturbation--or self-pleasuring--is somehow harmful or can be done “too much.” The truth is that everyone has different needs and different sexual interests. Some people self-pleasure five times a day, some never, some 5 times a week, some once a month, some 10 times a day, etc. You get the picture, right? Whatever works for you is what works for you.
The third myth is the idea that when you ejaculate, you somehow become weaker. Self-pleasuring doesn’t affect your body in any negative way. What it CAN do, like any strenuous exercise, is either energize you or make you feel tired. Exercise affects everyone different, so it’s possible that after an orgasm, you feel tired, the same way as after a brisk work-out. And you know that later, you’ll regain your energy.
One reason these myths about semen and strength still prevail is that after orgasm, there is a period in which men cannot have another orgasm--the "Refractory Period." Think of it as a time when your body is resting in order to build up its ability to orgasm again, if you will. It's just a rest period, and nothing to worry about. This period varies from man to man, depending on age, physical health and other factors. It’s a biological process, and has nothing to do with how often you self-pleasure, etc.
Self-pleasuring is a part of who you are sexually—for your whole life, not just when you don’t have a partner. People self-pleasure from birth to death, when they’re alone and when they’re partnered. It’s just one of many options we have as sexual beings. It’s not better or worse than partner sex, just different—like steak is different than chicken.
Remember that all our scientific data show that the people who take responsibility for their OWN pleasure have the best sex lives and rate themselves as happiest about their sexuality. So please stop torturing yourself, accept your sexuality as a gift and start enjoying life. My best wishes for a long and happy marriage--and great sex! Dr. J
First, congratulations on your upcoming marriage. Let me help you stop worrying and enjoy your life.
There are many myths about sex, but none so powerful as the three you mention. So many myths, so little time… Let’s clear up some misunderstandings.
First, about penis size: Sounds like you’ve bought into the myth that you have to have a larger-than-life penis in order to have great sex. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth.
Our society does a terrible disservice to men by raising them to think that their penis has to be 10 inches long, hard as a rock and last all night. It’s no wonder that many men feel insecure about their penis. Locker room etiquette dictates no staring, so most straight men have only glimpsed other penis sizes and shapes in commercial sex videos, which generally feature men with large penises. If you think everyone else looks like a male porn star, of course you’re going to feel inadequate!
Another contributing factor to this attitude is that while most men see their penises several times a day during urination, they’re usually staring down at their penis, creating a visual distortion that actually makes it appear smaller than it really is.
Like noses, penises all have the same basic shape, with some variation. Let’s consider a few basic facts. For instance, did you know that you can’t tell the size of a man’s erect penis based simply on what it looks like when flaccid (un-erect)? Most penises erect to between 4 and 6 inches, and there’s not much variation in erection size (with exceptions, of course). However, when flaccid, there is much more variation. Some men’s penises are 1 inch when flaccid (we’ll call these growers), and others are 5 inches (we’ll call these show-ers). BUT: during erection, the 1-inch penis may grow to the same 6-inch erect size as the 5-incher. That’s right; despite their differences when flaccid, they’ll both erect to approximately the same size. Why don’t most of us realize this? Because most of us just don’t get the opportunity to see men when they’re flaccid and then erect. And did I mention shrinkage? When men are cold or nervous, the penis and testicles pull up into the body for protection (“I’m hiding!”). If you see a penis right after it’s been in a cold swimming pool, I guarantee it will not resemble its erect self in any way!
There are no magic pills, etc., than can change your penis size. Here’s a thought: why not relax, value your penis for the size and shape it is, and be thoughtful about its care and handling. If you do, it will serve you well your whole life.
The second myth is that masturbation--or self-pleasuring--is somehow harmful or can be done “too much.” The truth is that everyone has different needs and different sexual interests. Some people self-pleasure five times a day, some never, some 5 times a week, some once a month, some 10 times a day, etc. You get the picture, right? Whatever works for you is what works for you.
The third myth is the idea that when you ejaculate, you somehow become weaker. Self-pleasuring doesn’t affect your body in any negative way. What it CAN do, like any strenuous exercise, is either energize you or make you feel tired. Exercise affects everyone different, so it’s possible that after an orgasm, you feel tired, the same way as after a brisk work-out. And you know that later, you’ll regain your energy.
One reason these myths about semen and strength still prevail is that after orgasm, there is a period in which men cannot have another orgasm--the "Refractory Period." Think of it as a time when your body is resting in order to build up its ability to orgasm again, if you will. It's just a rest period, and nothing to worry about. This period varies from man to man, depending on age, physical health and other factors. It’s a biological process, and has nothing to do with how often you self-pleasure, etc.
Self-pleasuring is a part of who you are sexually—for your whole life, not just when you don’t have a partner. People self-pleasure from birth to death, when they’re alone and when they’re partnered. It’s just one of many options we have as sexual beings. It’s not better or worse than partner sex, just different—like steak is different than chicken.
Remember that all our scientific data show that the people who take responsibility for their OWN pleasure have the best sex lives and rate themselves as happiest about their sexuality. So please stop torturing yourself, accept your sexuality as a gift and start enjoying life. My best wishes for a long and happy marriage--and great sex! Dr. J
Post Comment
many thanks
I'm glad that you found my answer helpful. Here's some information for you about lasting longer:
During early self-pleasuring experiments, many men learn a very quick orgasm pattern in order to avoid detection—like in the bathroom (“You’ve been in there for hours! What are you doing?”) So if you learned to come quickly when being sexual with yourself, that can also set up a lifelong pattern. Learning to come quickly with a partner can also set up this pattern. Guilt and anxiety about sex may also create a situation where some men just want to get it over with quickly so they won’t have to deal with any of those feelings. And, of course, if you’re focused on “performing,” rather than just enjoying yourself, your penis can become incredibly stubborn and uncooperative.
Once you learn to control your orgasm, realize that each man has an individual orgasmic pattern unique to him. A lot of this anxiety about “premature” ejaculation is based on paranoia, and the idea that it's somehow ideal to have erections last way longer than they tend to realistically for most men, most of the time. Sure, sometimes, a man might last 15 minutes, 30 minutes, even an hour, but 75% of all males have an orgasm within 2 minutes of beginning penis-vagina (p-v) sex. I wonder if you’ve asked your partner how long she would like you to last? Are you thinking that if you last longer, somehow she’ll have an orgasm during p-v sex? The fact is that most women DON’T orgasm during p-v sex. It’s a much more effective way for men to orgasm than women, so please don’t attempt to reach some kind of “orgasmic goal” because you think it will ultimately please her.
That said, here are some techniques for lasting longer:
First, slow down during self-pleasuring and unlearn that old pattern of quick orgasm. You state that as soon as you touch yourself, you orgasm. You need to tune into what's going on in your head. What are you thinking about just before you touch yourself? Are you relaxed and turned on, or are you feeling anxious, guilty, conflicted? This can set up a pattern of quick orgasm.
Try just thinking something sexual and letting your penis get erect, and then think about something non-sexual and let your penis relax. Do this many, many times in order to get the sense of control.
Then try teasing yourself by touching yourself just once, then backing off and relaxing, and then beginning again. This will give you a sense of control as well as teach you to recognize your own point of no return (when you know you're about to have an orgasm, no matter what). Another thing to try is when you feel yourself getting close to orgasm, relax, breathe deeply, and cease movement. Some men also find they last longer if they have an orgasm on their own awhile before beginning partner sex. This tends to take the edge off, if you will.
Once you feel in control of your orgasm, you can also examine whether you have any feelings of discomfort with being sexual—either with yourself or with a partner. These feelings of discomfort can create extreme conflict and cause you to feel the need to get it over with quickly. If you look at sex as something to finish quickly—get it up, get it in, get it off—you’ll need to let go of that old mentality. And naturally, if there are any relationship conflicts or you’re angry or feeling resentful about your partner, these can also contribute to wanting to get it over with. In addition, these feelings can also inhibit erections with a partner. I highly recommend the book, "The New Male Sexuality," by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D., widely available online, both used and in paperback. This book has helped thousands of men to better understand their sexuality. Dr. J