Hi ladies! This isnt a question, but rather, a comment :)

Let me just start by saying how happy I am to be here, among all of you beautiful, strong women. I've visited this site for ages, but I just joined yesterday, as I feel I can no longer handle this lonely journey on my own. Don't get me wrong, I, like many of you have lots of love and support, only sometimes it's not enough because nobody really knows quite lonely and desolate this path can be. I intend to use this group to gain strength and support, but sometimes, I just need to rant or complain, u know?! Of course, you know ;) I don't want to be a downer in my posts, but once in a while it's just going to have to come out. I will start my complaining now, ok?! Haha. So, gonna try to give a semi brief summary of what my "deal" is: I'm an happy gal and married to an amazing man. Shortly after getting married, in 2009, I went off of the birth control pill, and we were ready to get going! I was 30 at the time as well, and know that not only our egg supply decreases after 30, but they say the quality of them aren't as good. SO, yes! I've been an professional nanny for 14 yrs and was beyond ready to have a lad of our own, duh!!! I was born to be a mama. A husband and child have forever been part the my fabric, even not knowing who they would be. We tried (really didn't "try" cause we were newlyweds, and just hot for eachother! Haha. For an unknown reason I couldn't get preggers... THAT was just the beginning of the inconceivable journey we were starting. And, my oh my... Had no idea the agony, excitement, anticipation, hope, pain, and confusion that would consume me in the next four years.
I've always endured god-awful periods as a girl, and was put on birth control to keep my monthly pain at bay. It worked for many many years. When we began meeting different doc's and specialists, I was diagnosed with stage 4 endometriosis. This wasn't shocking to me in the least. But, we weren't comfortable or eager to begin anything radical like say, IVF, IUI's, lupron, clomid... You get the picture. We wanted to grasp the info our Dr. had given us-which btw, was discouraging. Everyone I saw said our chances of conceiving on our own was slim to none. After much thought, rational and irrational, we decided to begin IVF in January 2011, but we informed our Dr's in October that we would start after the holidays. To our amazement, we conceived just a few weeks later, Nov 5th. SO SO SO thrilled! I hadn't felt better in ages, as the pregnancy was slowly curing my endo. I felt wonderful and oh so very grateful and lucky!!!!! Our Dr was surprised as well.
Had a scan weekly and that was one of my favorite perks being preggers(we were considered high risk cause of my endo, and ovarian cysts. At nine weeks I was sent to an regular OB. My next scan would now be @ 12wks. My hubby and I were in awe as we watched our little baby bouncing all over the screen-for the first time, it resembled an human! Pure heaven. As I lye on the table, squeezing my husbands hand, the tech abruptly said, I'll be right back. An ultrasound specialist walked in with a very grim demeanor and said our baby had an cystic hygroma and wouldn't be compatable with life. Huh? What? Numb. An cystic hygroma is extremely rare and occurs in less than 1% of pregnancies, a complete fluke. Had a CVS procedure to find out more, and our angel baby passed 1 wk later :( Fell into deep depression for 5 mo. My husband and myself were checked for any disorders and keryotypes. Found out I have what's called a balanced translocation--it's very complicated, but essentially my risk of miscarriage tripled.
We began in June 2011 to go for it again. Here we are today! No baby :( Took my first round of Clomid this past mo. and am currently having a period... Ugh. Next steps are laposcopic surgery, and IVF with PGD. Yippeeeee! Can't wait to go on another rollercoaster! Sad... So sad. Sorry guys for this enormous, novel of a message-but I wanted you all to know where I'm at. If youve taken the time to read this, thank you. I'm always here if anyone wants to chat or needs anything at all. xoxoxo