How to answer to the family members.....

Question

They keep asking, everyone does..."You've been married for almost 5 years, don't you two plan on having any children?". I always answer "sure when the time is right, god will let us know". Now I have concerned family member and friends because this has been my answer since 1 year of marriage. My mother and mother in law (who don't speak to eachother by the way lol) are probably the worst. Mother in law is knitting and making baby stuff and she now has an abundance of it which has accumulated over the years of waiting and she grunts at me and says "all right already get some help if you need it, i want grandchildren". It hurts. My mother is not as bad she knows about all the steps I am taking and the treatments but she too can't help herself to get just as anxious during the 2ww as I do and I know it breaks her heart that she has no grandchildren and all her co-workers and friends do. My friends are tricky. I just don't know what to say to them. I have confiided in one or 2 close girlfriends who at my age don't even understand what I am talking about. They are not married and have no idea what these proceedures are. So they ask too or just assume something is majorly wrong with me. I overheard one of my girlfriends telling her mother that on the phone the other night while we were out together. She walked away and I know her mom must have asked how I was doing and if I had kids or whatever and she was like "mom, she can't have kids, there is something wrong with her" real serious like. I was so upset but had no idea what to say. She has been a good friend since childhood, she didn't mean to hurt me I know and her mother has known me since we were little too, but all in all it awful. Help!!!

Chrissieanddan · Answer

Jennyfer, glad you are feeling a bit better honey

Maybebaby, I really feel for you, it is hard & it puts strain on your marriage. I have just found out that one of my clients who already has 5 kids in a 3 bed council house & bearly looks after those is pregnant again, I have gotta say life it pretty sh*@#T
I feel for you I know what you are going through & am here if you need support x 
love chrissie

jennyfer976 · Answer

ps. feel free to keep comments and posts on this one. i will try to update it too, perhaps we can all help eachother out with some good advice:)

jennyfer976 · Answer

Thanks ladies:) Although it is all so overwhelming I guess there will be good days and bad days for all of us and today just wasn't a good one for me. I am going to take your advice and be strait to the point and honest when people ask, although I don't know if I want everyone knowing my business I guess that will solve their curiousity and hopefully stop the comments. Maybebaby I know how you feel about marriage and the affects. Its def. not easy and I give you MAJOR credit for dealing with the situation you are in with the co-worker, thats got to be miserable. I am so sorry you are going through all of that right now. As for everyone lets just hang in there and try to work together and hopefully we won't have to go through this totally alone. I know we can all get through it some how. this site has been the most support i've gotten and all I can do now is try to be optomistic. thank you all soooo much for listening to me vent today it means the world to me and is more of a comfort than anything else in my life. Thank you Thank you, if there is anything I've learned through all of this it is patience and appreciation for those who help you along the way:) I hope tomorrow is a better day for everyone.

maybebaby29 · Answer

I am honest to anyone who asks. It usually shuts them up right away. However, now I'm going through really hard times so I don't even want to discuss it. Ovarian cyst put everything on hold, marriage is starting to get rocky because this 'on hold' made me really take a deep look at things and wonder if everything in worth it, on top of it, my coworker next to me is pregnant and keeps giving me 'wonderful news' updates. Sure I'm happy for her but 1) can't get pregnant and 2) now marriage is in serious trouble. It's a non-stop forcing of happiness and perfection in my face. I'm 36 so none of this is good news to me. She's barely 30 and is all sunshine and perfection and is taking constant risks (running, climbing, etc) with her pregnancy while I sit here thinking "wow, my marriage could end and I'm getting into high risk mode of age factors."

And it's not like I can just get divorced and find someone in 6 months and get married and have a baby. I keep thinking about how long finding someone worthwhile is going to take and then how long will it take for a kid?

I could just burst right now.

Chrissieanddan · Answer

I think the answer is firstly your not old, I am 35 & still feel ok! Yeah our body clock is ticking but you have 9 years til fertility starts to fall.  I know age doesnt have anything to do with how you feel it is the right time for you guys & you want your baby I know that but you are still young please dont think you are gonna be too old..

It is hard, & you know what you are right it takes over every conversation & every plan you have. I think that all just adds extra pressure on us.  

It is horrible because men dont really understand they dont feel how we feel they are not going through all the mood swings & taking of drugs & being scared to do this or that in case you harm something.  I think they go quiet because they dont know how to make it better,  a cuddle would help!

Keep smiling honey I am here for you
love Chrissie x

praying hard · Answer

We went through this too. I had the same answer as you for as long as I could. It got to the point that my mother in law would hurt my feelings so bad, that I would walk out of the room crying. Finally DH just told his mom to "lay off...we've been going through treatment for a long time now". He was VERY firm in telling her too :) She didn't mention it to me ever again!! :)

jennyfer976 · Answer

Thank you sooo much for your responses, it is very nice to know I am not alone in feeling this way. Sometimes I really get down on myself and feel guilty because I can't answer them honestly enough or give them what they want. I feel like I'm not a good wife because I can't be a mom or give my husband children which he desires too. When we first got married I remember him telling me he could not wait to be a father, it meant the world to him that we were so young only 21 and he was thinking we could be "young" parents. Now I am 26 and still no kids. Its awful. I hate to wallow in pity here but it just hurts so bad sometimes. Today I am especially sensative and I am not sure why. I looked in the mirror and saw a few fine lines under my eyes and some dark circles and realized I am not getting any younger. I just didn't feel beautiful you know? And all my friends with the kids have excuses for their changes like oh thier bodies look good---for having kids, and oh they look great, for having kids and me whats my excuse for not looking as good as I use to? Stress? lol. I guess thats not a good justification for wanting kids but all of you know it goes so much further than that its something deep inside of you longing and waiting to be a mother, to give the gift of life and to bring a miracle into the world. Little things like aging just add to it. An extra few pounds of weight gain adds to it, people asking questions and making the "are you ever gonna have kids jokes" adds to it. I feel lonely lately too, my husband has been distant because he knows I am emotional so he has been working extra hours and we are both almost trying to avoid eachother so we don't have to talk about it, because when we do sit down thats what seems to be discussed, everything in our world revolves around it like "oh should we knock the wall down and make this room bigger? No honey if we are going to have kids we should wait because we may want to knock the other one down" or "want to go on vacation over my spring break? well we should probably not plan it just in case you get pregnant". I feel like I am putting things off and waiting for something that I have no control over and it hurts. I can't any further describe it with words. Thank you so much for listening and for your feedback. Congrats brown eyed girl too on the twins, I hope my story has a happy ending like yours:)

Chrissieanddan · Answer

Congratulations x x 2 wow how lovely I would love twins

Brown Eyed Gurl · Answer

the way I handled it was just to be honest.....yes we want children and keep trying but God just hasn't deceided the time is right yet.....I think more people than you would believe will understand you better and really come forth and share that it wasn't so easy for them either heck after almost 4 years I'm now finally pregnant with two healthy babies.

Chrissieanddan · Answer

Hi Jen, Candie
I understand completly peopl are so insensitive, I know they dont mean to but they are. I went for a meal with old friends & family before christmas I had just started my IVF was a week into it, half way through the meal, one of them pipes up isnt it about time you had kids now you are getting on a bit, obviously they didnt know I wanted to burst into tears but just replied yeah we are thinking of it.

Most of my family dont mention it to me anymore, it is an avoided subject which is just as hurtful.

I think the best thing is to be honest & say I would love kids & am trying but its not happening so please dont add any further pressure to me I know you want grand children & I want to give you them.  I think they will appreciate your honesty.

I really pray the 2 of you will find the strength to pull through this & get your well deserved BFP very very soon, I hope for one myself..

Sending you both a big hug
Love chrissie x x

candie429 · Answer

Reading your post made my eyes tear up because I can completely relate to exactly what you are going through.  We will be married 4 years in May and have been TTC for almost 2 with unexplained infertility.  We haven't yet told our parents because we don't want to worry them yet since I just started some new meds and we don't want them to be bugging us during every 2ww since that will make it even harder.  We keep waiting because we'd rather give them good news, not bad news.  Also, we're afraid that even if we ask them to keep it secret, the news may get out somehow and we live in a very small town and don't want to face people's questions constantly.  My parents have been really good about it, but my mother in law is like yours.  We stumbled upon a baby stash at her apartment and she said that she picks things up when they are on sale and she thought it was a big joke.  My husband's father is remarried and his wife has started putting out these hints lately too.  It just breaks my heart too when I think that we can't yet give them a grandchild.  Especially since my husband is an only child, so we're the only chance for his parents.  Although, I think the hardest part is definitely the people that you don't know very well.  There have been many acquaintances, old friends from school, etc.  That have made me cry hysterically.  It's always "why don't you have kids yet"  "no kids yet? what are you waiting for?"  "come on, you need to have some kids and catch up to us".  And the list goes on.  I just want to look right at them and say "Did you ever consider that it may not be our choice?"  People are so incredibly ignorant and insensitive, it just boggles my mind.  I too have tried to confide in some of my friends, but no one truly understands.  It just breaks my heart to know that I can't give my husband a family yet, but thankfully he is wonderful through all this.  All you can really do is trust that it will happen when god is ready.  I guess my point here is to let you know that you're not alone.  You can vent to us anytime you want, and thanks for listening to me too!  I could go on about this all day.  (It probably doesn't help that AF showed up yesterday, so I'm still reeling from the disappointment!).  I'm not sure what your TTC history is, but I want you to know that you have my sincere wishes for a happy outcome.  Much baby dust to you and I will be sure to keep you in my prayers.