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I can't do this anymore
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I can't do this anymore

I am in tears. I can't stop crying. I got AF last night (no surprise there) and called my RE to set up an u/s on CD 1-3 (which they said I have to have). Well, they are gone alllll week on "vacation". So, I can't do it again this month. I am literally just shaking and crying right now. I can't take it anymore. I was so excited DH and I finally agreed to do meds and its all gone. No way I can get them now. I left a message with the answering service but I am pretty sure no one will call me back until next week. I called DH and lit into him. He was the one that kept saying to just wait, just wait, "use themonitor, use the metformin" blah blah blah and this is really the only month I can do it cuz I start at a new school in Auguest and can't really be asking for days off to get my blood and u/s done at the very beginning of the year. I am just soooooo upset. I can't even function right now. I can barely see the keyboard through my tears. I can't keep doing this. I am so depressed (still) from the m/c and told DH I will never feel better until we get pregnant. I told him, it is just going to keep getting worse and worse and worse. I just screamed at him and told him not to even bother coming home today after work. I am so mad at him. He just kept pushing it off and pushing it off. I don't even want to look at him.
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14 Comments Post a Comment
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478429_tn?1265247987
Jen - I know that absolutely nothing I say will make you feel any better. Is there any other RE's office around you or maybe go to your regular OBGYN office? I don't know, I'm just trying to find other options....  I am so sorry you are going through this... :(
Jen, I don't want to upset you even more and I'm for sure not taking sides, but DH didn't know the RE's office would be closed, he didn't know this would happen...  I have seen where infertitliy can DESTROY a marriage and I don't want that to happen to you.  Infertility is a HARD road to go down and is an even more painful journey along the way, but you and DH need to go through this together....

Just know all of us ladies are here for you 24/7 for anything :)
Sending lots of hugs and love your way :)
Nikki
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216278_tn?1308864682
I am so sorry!  My eyes welled up reading your post....I completely understand, especially the frustration at DH!  I get so mad at mine that I want to divorce him and then I feel bad and tell him that I love him and he says something stupid about my obsessing over a baby and it starts all over again!

I also understand the feeling of 'nothing going your way' - so many obstacles have come up with us and ttc (vacation, visitors, DH away, doc out of town, etc.) that I can't even count them anymore.  It's hard to know what message God is sending me sometimes.  I so desperately want to be pregnant in addition to being a mom that it's hard to just give up and look toward adoption, but I have this feeling that is what I am supposed to do.  Getting DH on board with that is a whole 'nother story! ;}

I wish that there were some magical words that I could say to make things better for you - I would say them in a nanosecond, but I have none!  All I can offer you is to let yourself cry - each month is a process of grief for us and we need to recognize it as that.  So, let yourself cry; let yourself be angry; write it in a journal (I type it on the computer because I type faster than I can write) so that the words and feelings that you have don't come back to haunt you later.  The worst thing that we can do is to say something that we don't mean and then have to live with it for the rest of our lives!

That's why I love this site so much!  Everyone here understands what you are going through and it feels like friends!

Please take care of yourself!  It's little consolation, but I wish I could be there to hug you.  I know that sometimes I wish I had someone here to just hug me! ((((HUGS))))
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294043_tn?1354211546
I am so very sorry about AF and this cycle.  I also have a set teaching schedule and I have been in your shoes.  I know how frustrating this is.  I can only hope that someone from your RE's office will give you a call back.  
Many hugs!!
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270696_tn?1243551620
I know there's nothing that can be said that will make you feel any better.  The only thing we can say is that we're all here for you.  You know you can come here for support!  And even just to vent.  Because some of us are the only one's who actually do know what you're going through...not even DH can possibly know what you're going through.  And it's okay to be mad at him and God and everyone else.
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495055_tn?1259704550
I am so sorry!  I can not imagine the pain and frustration you are going through - this is a crazy waiting game.   I also agree with Nikki - there really is no way for DH to have controlled this.  Maybe the two of you need to talk about all of your feelings.  Trust me, I know how hard this can be - I try all the time to let my DH know what is going on - in the end, we are the only two who know what we are really going through.  

Did the answering service have the name of an office who is handling the calls in their absence?  

Sending you karma!  
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102073_tn?1309552699
All I can say, is that I am really sorry! :( I know how we tend to time everything, and it upsets even more this ttc road, when things can't happen in the right time!!! If it helps, like it does to me, just cry, vent, and let it all out, share it with us, I will also be here for you! I'll keep you in my prayers! HUGs.
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487597_tn?1217688588
There is nothing to say but I am so sorry you are feeling so down.  I can completely relate to your anger at your husband as I do the same all the time.  At the end of the day though you will probably need him to come home from work even if it's just for a long hug.  My DH has been putting off IVF even though we need it.  He thinks we have all of the time in the world because I'm just under 30 - it makes me so mad at him as I know that it's not true.  But, not to stray from the subject - maybe the RE will call you back.  Or as nikki said is there another Dr you can go to for the time being?  As for timing, even if it is August, surely you could schedule some appointments for after school - or find a dr close to the school you teach in that you could nip down at lunch...?
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330481_tn?1309491843
Thank you for the ncouragement. I am crying still but I cry now because you guys are so loving. I am just still so mad - mad at myself for having shittttttty eggs, mad at the stupid uncaring RE, mad at the world. I think I am a good person so why does all this happen. I just can't come up with an answer and I want to just scream. Thank you all for your support. If we cam't do meds this month, I am just going to hang my ttc hat up. I am done for a while. I can't keep doing this to myself. I am so unhappy and miserable and depressed all the time. I love you guys - thanks!
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443102_tn?1222129546
I'm really sorry :(  My heart goes out to you and I hope that something arises that allows you to do the meds this month.  Please just remember that everything happens for a reason....I know nothing I can say will make you feel better.....

Heather
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200957_tn?1236140523
Dear Lord,
Bless this family. Only you know what is best for us. Forgive us all for not having moe faith in your plan. Please touch her and her husband, allow a road to be opened in order for them to continue on their journey to create and birth a child. Only you can make miracles. Forgive her for being angry with you we all have our weaknesses. Bless this family with strength, and forgiveness.
Amen.

Nothing I can say will make you feel better, but I wanted you to know I really was praying for you not just saying I would. Keep your faith.
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519935_tn?1216154810
Hi Jen,
So sorry to learn this. I know its a difficult time but we are all here for you.
Just thinking of various options: Is there any other way like email or emergency phone or a pager number via which you can contact the doctor?
I am not sure but if you do have a PPO insurance, you can see another RE just for the CD2-3 u/s.
I know you vented your frustration on your hubby but try not to talk/think about the past. It will bring you down and take you nowhere. I know its easy said than done but please try.
Count your blessings at this time. Thankfully you have a new job to start at a time when people are losing jobs.
Sending you lots of hugs....
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162784_tn?1227299650
Somehow I can feel your pain just by reading your post.  I'll keep you in my prayers that you can stay strong and conceive very soon.  I can only offer a huge hug.

HUGZ!!

Trish
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Avatar_n_tn
Hi,

DH and I have been TTC'ing for about 5 years now.  One thing I learned is that DH is in the same team as I am even if sometimes it does not feel like it.  (Men see, do things and talk differently than us women.)  

So when you need girlfriends of the same experience and situation, we are here!  

Meanwhile, hang in there - everything happens for a purpose and you realize that in only retrospect. Don't let infertility interfere with your enjoying your life. There are more facets of our life than our infertility!

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Avatar_f_tn
I am sorry that AF showed her ugly face. I know anything I say will not going to help you.  But dont loose hope and that is the only way we keep moving forward. I wish you SSBD and pray for you.
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