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I'm starting a family with my fiancé and it's a little more difficult since we are not a 'traditional' family. We want to start this new beginning but I don't know where to start. I know we have to find a fertility clinic to test her, but there r many questions I don't know I should ask. Can anyone help?

[pol79princess]

Well, that depends on what issue you and/or she may have... I'm assuming you're aware that something is "wrong" since you are asking that question. However, you are being a little vague here, so I'm not sure what kind of help you are asking for...

[Mama1231]

Well, I'm being vague because I have no idea where to start. We go to the fertility clinic and find out if she can even conceive and then what? How much would it cost for insemination? What kind of regulatory meds will she have to be on- if any? Do we start trackin ovulation/and when? What kind of insurance do we need? Marriage is not legal in my state so, what kind of papers/documents do I need? I guess I'm all excited to start this new chapter in my life and don't have much support with the knowledge I'm seeking or the know-how to get to the information.

[AnnieBrooke]

Oh, do you mean you are dykes?  A good friend of mine and her partner went ahead and let it be known in the family that they were interested in having children and looking for someone to be the donor, and right away they had several candidates.  Their aunts were offering their sons up as sacrificial lambs, etc. and they finally went with someone who was married to one of their sisters, since the sister never wanted kids and neither did he (to raise, that is).  They clocked the ovulation of the woman who was going to be the first to be pregnant (they did finally both have a baby in the end) using the temperature method, and got together with that brother-in-law at the right time and did everything at home.  They did have a legal document between the women and the sperm donor.  (With a known donor, however, they could not waive the rights of the child to the father.  They waived their claim on him, but the child's cannot be waived by anyone else but the child.)  I guess the moral is, if you do it this way, be sure to have a legal agreement in place.  But that was the only complexity.  The rest was pretty easy.  They didn't use any medications, she just ovulated naturally and nature took its course.

Why do you think your partner would need to go to a fertility clinic?  Would that be if you used a sperm bank (in other words, you'd want her to be tested first so you wouldn't waste money on a sperm bank)?  If you want to go that route, the person to talk to would be your ob-gyn or hers, and see what testing can be done by her regular ob.  It might all be done there.  

[plumber43]

I can't say that I know completely about your personal experience, but I 100% support you and your partner for wanting to start a family!  First of all I'm guessing your gonna need a sperm donor, Ive also heard of one partner giving her eggs to the other I thinks that's beautiful! I suggest you go to an RE that caters to the gay community, they have all the answers. I go to the reproductive science center and they have a program, you should check them out on line, you could also google it for one in your area!
Good luck to you and your partner.

[Mama1231]

Thank u for ur input! I'm thinkin that is the most economical way right? Did they go somewhere to ensiminate or go the old fashion route? My wife is bi, so she likes that whole guy thing. We've talked about a 3some to do the trick but i'm not so sure about that. I'm open minded and all but that's just kinda funny (but that could just be that I DONT like the whole guy thing!

[AnnieBrooke]

As I said, they did everything at home.  I don't suppose they used a turkey baster, probably just a big syringe, but I've never asked them for that level of detail.  I'd be nervous about using just any guy in your position.  The question is not whether your partner is bi, it is whether you two have a relationship in which you have committed to sleep only with each other.  If you have, she shouldn't be even mentioning going out and sleeping with a man to get a baby, and as for threesomes, forget it ... what kind of guy in this day and age is having threesomes without protection?  Not a guy who takes sexual health very seriously!  Ick on that!!!  I'd canvass the family, as my friends did, or trustworthy friends.  Sign that legal document, and have the candidate take an AIDS test and hold off on unprotected sex for the months it would take AIDS to incubate, and then take another.  Then you are off to the races.

[plumber43]

I agree with AnnieBrooke

[Mama1231]

We have been thinkin about findin a guy friend that would be willing to donate sperm for us. I found this website by HRC directing me to legal documents on donor agreements and stuff. It was easier than I expected to be. I heard sone input on puttin everything out on the table about our expectations and his and find a middle ground we all agree on.  

[happynifer]

not sure where you live, but the fertilty clinic we used (Shady Grove) in the DC area is VERY open to same sex couples starting families.
another friend of mine had her midwife inseminate her with a family friend's sperm at home...
so you definitely have options, just be sure to cover your bases legally as far as custody goes if you use a known donor.  you don't want problems down the line...

[Mama1231]

We're pretty open to our child having a father figure but as far as decisions made for the welfare of the child will be entirely up to my wife and I. Would we make an addendum to a donor contract for a father relationship, or leave that between us and him?

[Mama1231]

I'm in Arizona and this is one of the states that voted to ban gay marriage and define marriage as a man and a woman. Much less have kids. So we r trying to find places/people who r 'friendly' and that we r comfortable with. We don't want to deal with the judgement of others. That could really hinder the pregnancy medically and personally. Does anyone have any knowledge of an Arizona clinic that is supportive of gay-ness? :-)

[Mama1231]

It sounds like goin through a sperm bank donor would be the safest. Legally and biologically. They test all donors and go through a screening process right? I've told my wife of all the information I've gathered and she just smiled at me. I think that's a good sign considering I was thinking she could have thought I was being a little obsessive. But she said it was cute. I figure the more info I get and knowledg I have the more I'll be able to love and support and protect her through this process. :-)