OCD while TTC with Infertility

I'm fighting a hard internal battle right now. I don't know what to do so I'm just going to put it all out there and maybe someone who reads this will understand and have some input. I just feel so alone. Here is my story.

I first starting having OCD tendencies aroud age 10. It started with obsessions about the way clothing fit me and also irrational fears. For example, I always had to use a striped towel or my mom would die. Crazy right?! It gets worse.

By age 13, I had moved on the obsessional hand washing and fear of germs. I would wash my hands and brush my teeth 10+ times at night before I could sleep. My hands were to the point of bleeding. Bright side: No cavities for me :). At this point, my mom was concerned and I started taking Paxil.

Halleluja! Paxil cured my obssessional fear of germs and everything was pretty good for awhile. In about 11th grade I started popping my neck. When I say popping my neck I don't mean the simple side to side motion that most people do every so often. I mean a loud pop, high up in my neck near the base of my skull, which required a very awkward looking movement. I did this over 100 times a day....hello, cervical neck spurs....This scared me to death. The possiblity that I could severly damage my spinal cord and cause life threatening damage was scary...but it wasn't enough to make me stop. I just couldn't handle the anxiety I felt. The anxiety could only be relieved by popping my neck....OH, I also had the same problem with popping my jaw for a while. This caused TMJ which cost my parents $3000 to fix....moving on

The neck popping phase eventually ended about age 21...finally!!! I switched from Paxil to Prozac which didn't really do much for me. I then switched to Cymbalta which worked really well for me. My OCD symptoms were pretty mild on Cymbalta.

Moving to more recent times. I started TTC in November 2010. In May 2011 I decided I would stop the cymbalta and deal with OCD in fear that medicine would harm my soon to be baby. Everything was going pretty good off the meds.

By July 2011 I was diagnosed with infertility. Big blow to the chest, yup! That is about the time that the OCD really started taking off. I tried Clomid with my OB and it didnt work for me. In December 2011 I started seeing an RE. I am at the end of my first RE medicated cycle. I am on no medication other than prenatal vitamins.

THIS OCD IS THE MOST SEVERE THING I HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED!!!!! This is soooo embarrassing, but I'm going to tell it anywas. I am obsessed with wiping...yes, wiping! I wipe by private parts until they are raw. I am not trying to be funny here. Completely serious. I'm back to be completely obsessed with cleanliness. I stand in the bathroom with a towel after showering and "wipe" until everything feels dry. Even then I don't feel better. I am also back to the severe hand washing and my hands are on the verge of bleeding again, like back in 7th grade. My rituals are taking up at least 2 hours of my day. It takes me over 4 minutes to shower and get in to bed at night. I have also been "forcing" my DH to comply with my rituals and I know that is terrible of me.

I just can't handle this anymore. I so very badly wanted to have a healthy pregnancy with no OCD meds, but if something doesn't change soon I will go crazy. I had a sever panic attack last night about it...screaming, throwing things..just let it all out. Scared my DH to death.

Do any of you have any experience with OCD while TTC? Or any suggestions? Anyone taking/have taken meds for OCD while TTC/pregnant?

I feel like maybe the benefits of medication may outweigh the risks. The severe anxiety I deal with almost all day may be causing some of my infertility. I'm sure it could also affect a growing baby inside me. Any opinions?

(I understand that, for many of you who do not suffer from OCD, may in fact think I am crazy. Well, I am crazy. But, OCD is a medical condition, just like depression or diabetes or asthma. It is hard understand the complexity of this if you have never experienced it. It is not something you can just "get over". The anxiety will eat you alive until you comply with your irrational compulsions. I KNOW THAT WHAT I DO IS STUPID and I want nothing more than for it to go away. Please keep your negative thoughts to yourself...I already have enough of those myself.)

Thanks for reading my story.

[trying43]

I understand exactly where u r coming from.  I have a mild form of ocd compared to urs.  Mine is with doors and locks.  All doors must be shut.  Cabinet doors, closet doors, drawers and when I come in the front door as soon as I shut it I lock it.  And as soon as I get out if my vehicle doors must b locked.  It gets ti the point where I cannot sleep until I know everything is shut and locked and I will get up to check.  It got worse when ttc and when I was pregnant.  After I had the baby its eased up and its much better.  I still have to have the doors in my room shut and all cars locked before I can sleep but I don't do a walk through of the house at least.  I was able to get by without meds.  Sounds like u may not have that luxury.  There are some safe meds u can take while ttc and during pregnancy.  I would discuss with the dr.  I don't think you can take cymbalta for sure during pregnancy because it can make u more at risk for bleeding and birth defects for baby if I remember correctly.  No I don't think your crazy at all.  Stress makes it worse!!  Try I know its hard to minimize it as best you can till u get to the dr.  Good luck to u.