OT -- but boy do i need to vent!!!!!!!!!!

ladies...im so aggrevated, hurt, sad....gosh so many emotions right now...i feel like my life has been tossed around so much i have no more control of it...

after my mc my partner told me he wanted to try again and i told him i wanted to get tested and make sure nothing is really wrong with me...well after weeks of testing the doc diagnosed me with factor 5 and i started seeing a hemo....so my hemo breaks the good news and bad news to me

i have been waiting and waiting to be able to TTC again and everytime i get close or think im getting close another obstacle is thrown my way....

so now my partner who was my rock after my mc and has always loved me for me tells me he's not ready now...but he's been saying that more and more...so i thought maybe he's just scared...so i broke down and  told him im scared too so he rebuttled with the finances and other economic reasonings....and i just cried...im 28 almost 29...i have a blood disease that is not expected to get any better....i have one child and i dont want him to be my only....

my partner who's been my rock has now let me down...i dont know what to say to him or how to handle this situation...he's only 23 almost 24 and im starting to realize not ready for this....what do i do???

honestly im so hurt right now...i love him with all my heart and im ready to share that love but we are no longer seeing eye to eye with this?

i almost walked away from my relationshp yesterday....i cant give up...im not a quitter but what do i do....if i dont put my foot down he'll continue to drag his feet and i sure aint getting any younger...but i suck with communicating my thoughts and now he feels like all i want out of him is a baby...its so not true but i see how he sees it that way

so to shorten this up...he asked me yesterday to give him until sunday to think things over and we will bring everything back up again and try to hash everything out...he'll bring up his concern and i will mine too...he said maybe i can make him feel more comfortable but for now he needs time to think

alright ladies....please....what do you think about this situation and please be honest....i love this man with all my heart and soul....no doubting that....im not a quitter so walking away is not an option

how can i express myself and concern without him feeling like im attacking him? honestly what do i do....can this be fixed or is my relationship just doomed because we're on different pages?

[kaprovea]

One of the things I think you need to consider is if he isn't ready you shouldn't push him into having a child.  My husband was not ready nearly as soon as I was to have a child so I had to wait for him to be ready.  I didn't want him to feel like I pushed him into having a baby when he wasn't ready.  I wanted him to want what I wanted when I wanted it but you can't make them feel that way.

I say you bring it all back to the table on Sunday and tell him exactly how you are feeling.  It is a major financial commitment to have a baby so if he thinks that you aren't financially ready then you need to show him that you are if that is why he is hesitant now.

Things will work themselves out if they are meant to be.

[miky72]

I cannot imagine how difficult it is to have this situation with your partner right now..
I think he is ready for a child but maybe what scares him is all the medical procedures.
I personally would get back to him on Sunday saying that you will be the rock but that you need his total support.Maybe he loves you so much that is difficult for him to see you suffer during this roller coaster "project" so you have to tell him that this is THE thing you want the most right now and this is what will make you happy at the end.
Men just think is a different way...my RE told once that if you look at the chromosomes of a woman they are XX whereas the male ones are XY -something is missing there!!!! ;-)
keep us posted and be strong!
Miky

[waitn838]

thanks ladies for responding back....

i went home for lunch and he was at home with lunch prepared for me and he even was marinating some type of chicken for us for dinner tonight....and he applied to a ton of jobs this morning...


just a bit more info to help put this fully into prepective......i work full time have a my BA in Business and have a great paying job, benefits and total stability....he works 3 days a week and doesnt make enought to help get the edge of the bills off my shoulders....its tough but i tough it through with him...the financial stability part is awaiting him

but holy flip....he's made progress in one day

honestly i think you both are right and there are more factors than just finance....but i think our relationship will be able to tough this out

[blessedmomof3]

it sounds to me like he is trying. If he is applying for jobs he is trying to get to where he will feel ready for you. I think he jsut wants to feel like he will be abled to support your family.

I think wait until sunday and then see how he feels. It will give him time to look at jobs out there and see if there is anything he can do.

[waitn838]

i think you are completely right....im just happy that he's taking iniative to look and apply to jobs....

that to me is progess and exactly what i need to see right now....i didnt expect that in one day

[gokuangel]

The girls are right and just talk it over there may be another problem that u might not be thinking about. Like in my situation i know me and my dh are both ready for a baby especially me im sick of waiting but at the same time i have to wait it all out. We live w/his parents and are barely fixing to move into our first home together and theres tons of work to be done b4 we could bring a baby home and our money has to go the home so i cant afford a doctor w/no insurance. So talk it out u never know and im sure things will be fine GL!!

[blessedmomof3]

I know I had to wait 4 years, until my DH was ready. It was financial. After 4 years I finaly told him that it was very important to me and  I felt I had wasted so much time alreay. I told him I was starting to resint him for holding me back and I didn't want it to hurt our relationship, but it was that important. I know that was wrong, but it was how I felt and I thought he needed to know. You know what???? The next week he came to me and told me to make my apt. So, I think it is a good sign he is making a step, but like everyone else here is saying, you do want to talk to him and make sure there isn't another issue.

[waitn838]

omg.....that is pretty much what i told him...

i told him i was afraid that i would end up hating him for being held back...he really looked hurt but i was trying to avoid this happening....and ive stressed how importatnt it was

time will tell but im starting to feel a little bit better about all of this

sunday we are talking everything out....he requested time to think about things and try to straighten some out...we'll see how things go on sunday

[gokuangel]

I hear ya there but i resent myself cus i was married b4 for 4yrs and i been so mad at myself for wasting all that time on some1 else who was never going to be ready to give me baby or least he thought i was useless and could never do it. At least i know my new husband wants to have a baby and hes doing everything he can things have been completly out of our control and are going at snail speed but we are getting there but like u was saying its all financial mentally we are both ready for it. it really sux to see his younger brother have 2 kids already!! i hope no more come out till we have at least 1 of our own.

[waitn838]

you ladies are both so right...

my parnters younger brother has 2 babies too...and it breaks my heart...

my emotions are all over the place.....its just not fair....

im just trying to make the best of this and trying to gather my thoughts still...i dont want him to feel attacked or used...thats not my intentions at all...my frustrations just speak a lot louder sometimes

[gokuangel]

its really hard i know; my DH is the oldest were the oldest im the oldest but i told him i just dont know if i can sit bk and watch his baby brothers grow up get married and have kids and us nothing. I have every intention of doing what i can to make my dream a reality. I hear there mine too its hard not to lose control sometimes and to not take it out on the DH. Take a breather if u need take the day off do something fun!!

[waitn838]

its been such an emotional exhausting journey for me since my mc in march...

i never knew my life would change as drastically as it has and yet there is nothing i can do to get back on track rigth now...

i try so hard not to take it out on my partner but i feel like he's become cold to the idea of us having a family now...like ive let him down forever....and the only way ill get all of this is to be preg again and have that baby in our arms

honestly as bad as this sounds...ill never be able to begin to move on from my loss until im holding my next baby in my arms.....

[blessedmomof3]

I am right there with you both. My sis has 2 kids. She had an abortion before she got PG with the last one. I begged and pleaded with her not to do it, and asked her to let me raise the baby. She would not do it. She said it would be too hard to watch me raise her baby and she was a single mom at the time so she did not feel she could have it. It killed me. I had to go on antidepresants and was so depressed for so long. Then 3 months later she came to me and said she was PG again!!!! I realy lost it. How could GOD give her another chance after what she did and make me struggle so much???? I became so angry at the world and every pregnant woman in it!!!!! I'm over all that now and I love my niece and nephew very much, but I will never look at my sis the same again!!!! I will never respect her!!!! My mom said I was being selfish, but what about my sis??? She is the one who would rather kill her baby then let someone who would have loved it so much to raise it. Anyway, I feel so out of control sometimes with all this. I am a control freak.....LOL..... so to not be abled to control my own body just kills me!!!!

I hope I didn't offend anyone with my view on abortion. I relay don't mean to, it just was so hard for me. I have my views and I respect the fact that other people have their own views as well. I don't judge, except when it effects me personaly.

[gokuangel]

To Waitn-im so sorry for your loss!! i always say if i had a MC at least i would know i could get prego and there would a shot maybe but i cannot immagine the pain you feel. My DH's aunt lost 2 of her kids!! one at 21 and one at 6yrs old i saw her pain w/the 21 yr old and to me i think it would be the same w/a MC. It hurt me to see my in laws go through that. I hear ya there though i feel like my life wont move forward till i have a baby either. i know im doing stuff getting ready to move hopefully having a car someday soon but i feel like mentally im stuck in a time warp or something i know im almost 27 but i feel like 20 and im not!!

To Hoping:You didnt offend me i just hate abortion its make me GRRRRRRRR i just wish i could slap those peeps they have no idea how lucky they are and to me the ones that do it and then cant get prego well thats what they get and derserve. Sorry if im offensive too.

[waitn838]

hoping & gokuangel -- you ladies are both right in your views and opinions and im not offended

my partners SIL complained her entire preg about being sore and uncomfortable...at least she made it that far and was able to get preg...why would you complain about something...then she got mad at me for not coming to see her and her new daughter in the hosp...i just had my mc a month prior

my life will never be the same....there is no doubt about that...i just wish my partner wanted this as much as i did....him not working towards making it reality makes me feel like he's relieved its over...and that is totally harsh of me ot say but i have changed my views on everything in life to prepare for another baby...not stayed idle...now i cant move forward because he's holding me back

and maybe its just what needed to happen....maybe its just tough love

[mysty2001]

1. you can not change a person (trying to get him to change hi smind is a bad idea)  this is not what color is the wallpaper or what car to buy - this is a life decision - you will regret it if you "change his mind"

2.  miscarriage is an emotional ride - too soon to sort any part of life out

3.  you might ask - "why is he my "partner"" - if you aren;t commiteed to marriage maybe neither one of you are ready to commit to a family*
4.  a *family - not a baby - a family - keep that in mind that is a huge diference

good luck

[blessedmomof3]

I hope you get everything worked out with your DP. I realy do. It is a tough one.

AS for your MC I had one back in Dec and have never gotten over it. It just made this desire even more so. I still cry everyday, and I think of how big I should be and how I would be feeling the baby move right now. It is a hard thing to get over. But we must move on.

I understand you feeling like your DP is holding you back. That's how I felt with my DH. Once he realized how important it realy was to me, it became just as important to him. I hope your DP comes to the same conclusion.

[waitn838]

1. im not trying to change  his mind...he cant make up his mind...he never said he doesnt want to have a baby with me...its just the timing....he's a procrastinator and not making progress which is what started this whole fiasco...im 28 years old and know better than to try to change somebody

2. emotional is not even the word...its a pain i never felt before like this and i dont want to ever feel it again....

3. he's my parnter because he loves me for me and accepts me as i am and loves my son just as equally...marriage...im sorry if i start something but marriage is not something i look forward to like others...we have talked about marriage and if he had the money i would have had a ring a long time ago...but as he put it he wouldnt be here with me if he wasnt in it for the long haul

4. i have had a baby and not a family and i want the family...my parnter calls me and my son his family so we are just extending our family....i know the difference between both

please dont judge me wrong....i know what is wrong and ill admit to my mistakes...i know from others im not the only one who thinks this way after a loss...and there are tons of women out there having babies....

im sorry but babies need love and not always a family....i am def one of those who doesnt think the traditional methods....im the breadwinner and proud of it....and if i want to have a baby and not be married than thats my decision and im ok with it....

my baby will not be any different because mommy and daddy werent married when i was conceived...what about divorces these days...who the heck wants to get married when you hear of all the marriages gone wrong and what it takes out of the other person....

[waitn838]

ladies...thanks again for listening to me vent....sometimes we all just need to let it all out

[mysty2001]

I was not judging
I also was not saying you had to be married
I wasn;t saying family is mom/dad marriage

I was just asking you (not for me but for you)  to sit back and analyze -

You should desire a family - not desire a baby - whatever that means to you

I wish you the best of luck - but I hate to see babies created under the wrong or pressured circumstances

[SHP]

The other girls are right, you cannot make a person have a child if they are not ready.  He is young and a child is a lifetime responsiblity.  Men however do not do well if pushed in this area.  You have to back off and give him a little room to breath.  I have no idea why but fatherhood petrifies some of them.  I met my husband 6 1/2 years ago when I was 34 and he was 36.  I was ready then.  He was not until he turned 41.  Of course he made me wait so long that I cannot seem to have any now but if I had forced him WE would not have made it.  My husband is 42 and desperately ready.  He was always a responsible man but he was just not there yet.  Do I regret him making me wait - well yes a little - but he is truly my rock with this now.  No matter how bad the finances are he says that we will figure it out.  Give him a little space and he will come back to you on this subject matter.

[waitn838]

mysty2001 -- i do desire a family...my partner says we're a family now with my son...i just want to expand that family and add to it

im sorry for the confusion on that

SHP -- my parnter is my rock and sometimes its tough but he always says we'll figure it out...we're going to sit down and talk everything out this weekend sometime...so we'll see...im giving him his breathing room right now

but the pit of my stomach is sick with the thought that he's going to leave me...i just dont know if this we are doomed

[4Angie]

I truly hope everything works out.  Sometimes it is hard for us to believe that things happen for a reason, but in hindsight, it usually does!  I wish you the best of luck and take your time.  I know you do not think you are young or have a lot of time, but it is better to not rush him.  Stand still and be patient!  It will work out for you, even if it is not the way you planned!

[waitn838]

thanks lady....

only time will tell...the weekend is coming up and ill get my answers

[tea_berries]

I wish you all the best.  Just be strong, I know you will be fine.  I will be praying for the best... for you and your son :)

[Stacey1718]

So sorry you are going through such a stressful time.  

I hope you work everything out.  Sometimes men get scared in the heat of the moment and need a few days to think about things.  Hopefully you can have a really good talk on the weekend, and sort out both of your priorities.

Good luck and be strong.  Sometimes things may feel like they are falling apart, when really, something much stronger is building underneath the surface.

[waitn838]

tea_berries -- thanks hun...i always have our intrests in mind and what will will always be :)


stacey1718 -- im trying to stay strong but i keep assuming the worse...i know that is my major fall...i think the worse all the time and im working on that....i hope there is something much stronger being built