Question on Marriage, God and Infertility...

[cutzthename]

For those of you who have not had their first child as yet and are married, do you ever sometimes feel that maybe you and your spouse weren't meant to be together because of this?  Sometimes this thought enters my head.  My spouse opened up and said the same thing.  The majority of the time I think God sees us as a strong couple who he is trying to mature and that is why we are going thru this, but there are those times like maybe we weren't meant to be here???  I love my DH very much and it hurts to think about it, but...

Can I have some feedback...

[bev62]

Infertility can be really hard on a relationship.  We tried for 10 years to concieve, we did everything from a tubal reversal to 5 IVF cycles.  We spent over $60,000. doing everything we could to have a child.  When we finally just give up and put it in God's hands to do His will we became pregnant.  We have learned that everything happens in God's perfect time.  I was 40 when I became pregnant the first time and with no effort at all I was pregnant again at 43.  I really believe that we are better parents now than we would have been 10 years earlier.   Our lives are more settled down and going through the hard times helped us to be stronger and to have more faith. Good luck.

[deanne11]

7 weeks....GOD BLESS you....how exciting?

When do you go for a u/s?  or don't you go for an early one?

[jen023]

I just want to throw in my two cents - I don't think either that your infertility is due to being with the wrong person. I think that if you weren't meant to be together, you wouldn't be. I haven't gone as far as to think that me and dh are not meant to be together - but I have wondered if maybe God has decided that we are not ready to have children yet because of something else. Maybe he is waiting for dh to come to him and get baptized and join the church (which we are talking to the pastor about tonight) - or maybe it's something else. I just look at it this way: If God says we are not ready for a child yet - I need to find out why we aren't ready - and we need to get ready. He knows what's best - and sometimes the best things in life, we have to wait for.

[hawki]

I'm such a geek!  I signed it like I sign emails to my friends.  Oops!

[hawki]

I'm only in my 7th week, and yes, I'm trying to be very careful in choosing my words so I don't offend anyone. After I wrote my last comment, I told myself that was it because this is such a touchy subject that it could easily start something I don't want to be a part of.  Each person is entitled to their own opinion, but I just wanted to give some uplifting words (hoping they were uplifting).  Thanks for your comments:)  THey helped me too!

CAS

[cutzthename]

My DH and I have been ttc for two years this March.  We've had one chemical pregnancy (3/06), one devasting m/c (7/06) that really tested our faith and are now going thru an ectopic.  

We are into the fourth year of marriage (9/07 will be 4).  I must say as time goes on even thru this our relationship has gotten better.  But we knew in the beginning, I would have issues with the PCOS and then BAM!! after the first year we found out he also had a condition.  Then he had surgery to try and correct it and it did a little, but we need more.  Then after the surgery we got preganant and lost that one, then another and now this etopic.  WHOA MOMMA!!

We are still holding on by the grace of God and are now even laughing at certain things.  We pray for God to bless us with a child of our own if it's in his will, but we have talked about adoption and when we may go about it.  I'm 30 and DH just turned 34, so we're going to give it some time before we move toward adoption.

[mslkpage]

I think God presented me and dh with a challenge, but we made it through. If the point had ever come when someone told me I would never have kids, I would still think that my dh is the one for me.

Remember that just because we think it's the right time, doesn't mean it's God's time. He has a plan for all of us, and I'm sure children are part of the plan he has for you.

[hawki]

I'm with Deanne....you wouldn't be where you are if it wasn't God's intentions, and to think that because you can't conceive or are having trouble that you shouldn't be together is a very sad thought.  My heart goes out to you, as I am sure you have so much on your plate and heart right now.  But, as a Christian woman, I believe this is an opportunity for you to grow.  God can do miracles, no doubt, so you never know what the future holds.  All trials work for your benefit, and God will turn anything into good.  I just heard that on the radio yesterday.  Nothing will happen to you that isn't approved by God first...He's our father...so every bump in the road is used to bring us closer to Him, and happiness.  I know it's easier said than done, but try to trust Him, and ask your husband to also.  Remember why you got married in the first place and remember how much you love each other.  Tell your hubby how much you love him, and how grateful you are that God put him in your life.  I only suggest this because I see my dh's face light up when I tell him those things.  It's refreshing to him.  Guys need encouragement.  With the disappointments that come with trying to concieve, it feels like there's nothing uplifting to rely on.  BUT there is.  THere are many lonely people in the world, and you two are so fortunate to have someone to come home to.  SOrry if this sounds preachy or is too wordy, but so much came to me.  Again, I'm so sorry you are going through this, and I'll be saying a prayer for you and your DH.  Best wishes!

[ntaylor]

Thank you for being honest, this struggle is very confusing for me as well and hard on my faith.

I just want to say a few things that I've thought a lot about through 2 miscarriages and the struggle with infertility issues.
First, when you choose who you are going to marry, that person becomes the ONE person your supposed to be with. I think God has his hand in couples getting together, but I don't think there is one person for everyone. Once you've made the choice, that person is your one and God will work with what you choose.

Second, I don't like all this talk about "God is putting me through this". God doesn't torture us with infertilty. I may have thought this in the past, but I believe it is simply untrue. We live in a crooked world, full of sin that has affected every part of our physical being, even having babies. Bad things happen in life, and those bad things DO NOT come from God. They are part of this imperfect life in which we live.

The good news is that God is there. He wants the best for us. Does he use this suffering to produce compassion and wisdom in us? Of course! But I don't believe God does bad things to us to make us grow, it is just life. He can intervene, but where and how is a mystery to me. Just keep praying, and one day He will answer you, one way or another. He will give you peace. Sorry this is so long! I just want you all to know how much stronger we will be for our struggles, and how much more we will appreciate life and a baby growing inside of us. We will be joyful in morning sickness!! I can't wait.

[deanne11]

AMEN....

So many people miss that....GOD does not do this to us....but HE will use it to help us grow and more than anything grow closer to HIM

We live in a world....with man's free will....this brought sin and heartache and physical problems (as in my case)

But I know GOD is there to be glorified and praised for staying faithful and HE'll see us through....no matter what.

I THINK OF YOU LADIES SO OFTEN AND PRAYED VERY HARD FOR ALL OF YOU LAST NIGHT...BY USING SCREEN NAMES...LOL...BUT GOD KNOWS WHO WE ARE

[hawki]

I hope that what I said didn't come off as God putting you through this.  I do believe however, that it is the evil in the world (Satan) doing this, but God allows all trials in our lives that He can make work for the good.  Maybe it's not the right time yet...or you said you are struggling with other things...maybe those must be sorted out first.  My dh and I couldn't get pg for 8 months.  I didn't have a period, we found out he had a pituitary tumor, I went through all the testing, he experienced hematospermia, found out he had hypothyroidism, and his testosterone was low from the tumor.  We had two houses (his hadn't sold yet from when we got married) so we had two mortgages, I had to take a huge pay cut because I was teaching tennis but tore my shoulder up, had surgery, and after the surgery the dr told me I should never play again (I had been playing since I was 3 and obsessed with it).  My husband's business was going through a huge dry spell with the economy.  Slowly but surely, everything started to sort itself out.  My husband's medication brought his sperm count up and helped other ailments as well (he had trouble keeping an erection because of the tumor- so makes getting pg if I just in the slightest chance happened to O), his thyroid medicine brought his levels back up, his company instantly started to boom (really strange!), I settled into a new job, and my dr decided to try clomid with me.  Believe it or not, the first cycle on clomid and the first cycle after we decided to give up and give everything to God, it happened. I got my BFP.  I scheduled my dr appts, and our first ultrasound is scheduled for Feb 12.  Well, we got a call a few days later....the house sold, and the buyers want to close on...yep, you guessed it, Feb 12.  God's timing was perfect!  Now that I'm pg, I am SOOOOOO glad it didn't happen before this.  If you don't mind me asking, what is your ttc story?  Well, ok, once again, I've blabbed on.  Good luck!

[YvetteY]

This doesn't have anything to do with God.   Pregnancy, conception, etc. has to do with science.   We believe in a kind and benevolent God.  Why would he punish people like this.  I had a miscarriage, and the fact that I did not carry this baby to term has nothing to do with the will of God, but rather with science.  Or perhaps it was God's will that my baby died after 6 weeks, I don't know.   But really I believe it was because of the chomosomal make up and that not going right.  

But conception has everything to do with SCIENCE.

I went to Catholic school all of my life and believe there is a God, but the fact that some can't get pregnant or have trouble getting pregnant is because of bodies, DNA, and all that scientific stuff.

[deanne11]

You sound like a wonderful Christian woman...you are right...you just need to pray.

God has blessed you with a wonderful Christian man who prays with his wife....very rare....cherish that.

Just remember Sarah and Abraham were blessed after many many years of thinking they would not be.

[tina1111]

After trying since I was 18 or so I conceived my 1st child (lost thru mc)at 41. I wondered for yrs why I was being punished. It wasn't until years went by I accepted my life for what it is and realized that I may have a different purpose in God's plan. It is not my will to be done, it is God's Will. It is not always for us to decide which path our lives take. After I put it in His hands, I conceived.

[deanne11]

Well, the good news...if there is good news in your loss....is that they all seem to be different losses....maybe not so much a physical pattern for you like there is for me.

I'm sure you will be BLESSED....Women like you deserve to be blessed and deserve to be a momma.  

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.  I lost 3 babies last year too....and honestly...after the first one...I asked my dh to leave....I was having an emotional break down though...for a whole bunch of reasons.....I didn't mean it and would have been lost without him but it was hormones and the thought that our baby had died was unbearable to me.

I will be praying for you....for emotional healing and for blessings of course.....

[deanne11]

Anything I said did not reflect your comments....about GOD putting you through this....I understood what you were saying....

I just didn't read yours until after I read ntaylors....

But I got what you said....GOD sees us through and I agree with you 100% too....

Isn't this funny....most of us agreeing about a thread that mentions the might 'G' word....LOL

Hawki - how far along are you again?

[cutzthename]

I want to thank everyone for their feedback on this.  It's wonderful hearing different points of Christian views.  I really needed to be encouraged.  Of course I believe God put us together for a reason and we are meant to be  together, but then there are those few instances of depression (like what we are going thru now) and I can't help but think "what if"...

Thanks ladies. Blessings to everyone on this site!!!!

[shishka]

We have been trying for our first child for 3 years. I have never thought of ever not being with my husband. My husbant has told me many- many times that we have each other. I often think this infertility has brought us even closer. Think of this God making you realise how good you are for each other and how you stick together. Be positive. Dont let things like that to get between you.

[molldoll26]

I just wanted to comment on what you are hearing from everyone and just affirm to you that you are completely okay and should feel like your feelings and concerns are valid.  They are.  When TTC it is the most wonderful thing at first, and then when it doesn't happen and you experience loss how can you not question things in your life?  And you know what, good for you and your Dh for being honest about that.  Most people are not strong enough to admit their own weaknesses or things they feel embarrassed to talk about with others.  It is fine to question your faith and marriage, I know I did it because you want a reason!  Don't feel bad about it.  You are talking to God about and just as importantly, you are talking and being open and communicative with your DH!  Continue to be honest with yourself, it is the only way to understand and truly work through your emotions!  Good luck.  After close to a year of TTC and getting on clomid I got my BFP on my first cycle (and I was already O'ing on my own).
Mollie

[deanne11]

Also, I have one more thing to say....Did it ever occur to you that GOD has chosen you and your husband to be something above natural parents.

Not all wonderful, strong, Godly couples are parents....some take their love and faith elsewhere....or they are parents to others.....

There are many many couples who adopt or foster....

Just curious and if you want to share....how long have you been ttc?  any pregnancies?  any children?

[cutzthename]

Thanks for the feedback (it was quick!).  We are nowhere near breaking up, it's just sometimes it enters my head???  We have a great spiritual and emotional relationship and we pray together all the time.

I was just being honest.  Sometimes the thought enters my mind.  I need to pray on this.  We are both Christians and love God.  At the same time we are human.

I just feel like since we got married, we've been hit with all these obstacles. I know first hand marriage isn't easy, but geeeeeeeeeeeez.

[deanne11]

I am a woman of strong Christian faith and I do not believe that infertility is any Godly form of whether or not a couple should be together.

I KNOW WITHOUT DOUBT...My husband was GOD's chosen spouse for me...while we do have one miracle child...last year with lost 3 babies.

I've been diagnosed with a blood clotting disorder inherited by my mother....this was something I physically have.  PHYSICAL.....IS THE KEY WORD.

A marriage in GOD's eyes is spiritual and emotional bond....it goes well above the physical....as in FAITH itself.

JUST MY OPINION

[haileya]

It has never entered my mind that my husband and I should not be together.  Nor has it ever entered my husbands mind. We have been ttc our 1st for over 2 years. I believe in God and pray often, but I will never allow my faith or belief in God to determine whether or not my husband and I should remain together. That is a decision only him and I can make. I respect your beliefs and in no way am I saying you're wrong, that is the way you feel. Good luck to any choice you and dh make:)

[anniesland]

I strongly disagree, i often feel guilty because i am unable to conceive naturally because of my endo! My dh always assures me he would never want to be with anyone else! I think as long as you love each other and have a strong bond, you will survive anything as a couple! I think god puts us in these situations for a reason other than not meant to be together!