Sample analysis

Hi there,

My wife and I have been trying for a pregnancy for well over a year and we met with a doctor at our local fertility clinic earlier this week. She (our doctor) has told me to give a semen sample for analysis at the lab. I'm extremely anxious about providing this sample for analysis and my appointment is tomorrow morning.

When we were at the clinic they let us see a "Wank Room" (a mere cubicle, almost like a WC stall), which has only further increased my anxiety! In fact, I've even asked my wife to accompany me (the clinic allows this), but she has moaned about this too.

I have had some terrible (emotionally scarring) experiences at the hands of health professionals here - including one instance that left me feeling as though I'd been sexually assaulted. (I wont go into this here as it's too long a story.) It will suffice to say that I am now terrified at the thought of even being near a clinic/hospital!

Anyway, I've tried to speak with my wife about my anxiety and asked for her support, but she has belittle what I'm saying. ("You just have to wank into a cup, it's nothing compared to the ovulation ultrasound I have to have next!") I could really do with some support from her. I've even been having nightmares about 'giving' this sample and the results. She knows about this past experience, but doesn't seem to realize how it still effects me.

We're only just beginning to explore the fertility stuff and already this is putting a strain on our relationship!

(a) How can I explain my feelings to her in a way that she won't simply dismiss them out of hand?
(b) How can I deal with 'giving' my sample tomorrow morning without major anxiety?  (I am aware that this may effect my ability to perform & amount and quality of the semen produced!)

Thanks for any support/advice.

Anxious_30yrs

Ps. My wife has already had a pretty comprehensive set of tests done by her gynecologist (except for the ovulation ultrasound) and she appears to 'perfectly normal'.

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Married 4 yrs.
W/partner 10 yrs.
Pregnancies: 0.

Myself:
30 yrs. Healthy, 6'1", 75kg. Non-smoker, extremely modest alcohol intake.
Wife:
33yrs. Healthy, 5'10", 59kg. Non-smoker, extremely modest alcohol intake.
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[Des_a_rae]

First let me say that I'm sorry you've been through so much.  I 'kinda' know what that feels like even though I'm a female. Anyways, have you been there with your wife with all of her tests?  As much as they'd allow you?  I know work comes in to play sometimes and bad timing but I would simply remind her that this is a "WE" situation.  You're both in this together!!  It would be nice if you both supported eachother in all the test and work up you're both having to have done.  As far as the other part, I know she's probably emotionally stressed about all of her test and such but I would just sit her down and have a heart felt talk with her.  Tell her it's very important that she listens to you and understands what you're saying, how you're feeling and WHY you're feeling this way. I've been through all of those test and they're not that bad, they're just stressful!  I've been married for 12 yrs and we've never conceived either. You have to have eachother in a situation like this.

I wished my husband wasn't so stubborn!  I'm going to have to have "the talk" with him to. lol.  Anyways, I wished I could help more but I do hope things work out.  Best of luck to you and your wife. :)

[anxious_30yrs]

Thank you Des_a_rae.

Regardless of gender, it's wonderful that you have taken the time to write some supportive words.

Yes. I've been to as many of my wife's tests as I am able to attend. (Sometimes work travel has prevented me from being there and sometimes narrow-minded doctors.) I'll continue to be there for her - that's a given!

I pointed out above that my wife's gynecologist thinks that she is 'perfectly normal', but I fully understand that she is scared about having this ultrasound ovulation test. I imagine that it is somewhat embarrassing/uncomfortable for her and I WILL be there for her again! (If I am allowed.)

I'll try again sitting down with her this evening to have a chat.

As for your husband, has be been tested? Have you spoken about this with him?

Thanks again for the support.

Anxious_30yrs

[amy8702]

I can't give you the best advice here, but I can somewhat relate. My fiance is aware that he may soon have to do this testing. He too, is not so happy about the idea. He had asked me if I would join him in the room. At first, I said there's no way I was doing that. It was weird to me. He then reminded me of some "stories" of things we did when we were younger.

He then expressed to me that some things he needed/needs to accompany me with can be quite akward to him but, as des-a-rea said, we're in this together. Just remind her, to get the best results as possible which is what I'm sure you're both aiming for, the most comfortable situation makes for the "better" sample.

I wish you all the best and am sorry for your previous encounters with medical care.

[anxious_30yrs]

Thank you amy8702.

Again, I really appreciate the support.

I've just been speaking with my wife and it looks like she'll be (reluctantly) accompanying me. Not ideal, but obviously better than a solo trip to the clinic.

I can understand your feelings about accompanying your fiancé, that's only natural an it's equally weird to him too. Nonetheless, all credit to you for agreeing. You might not want to show enthusiasm for the task-at-hand (pardon the pun), but it WILL help him if you do.

My wife's attitude has certainly not helped matters.

Good luck to you both.

Anxious_30yrs

[Des_a_rae]

Oh but yes, I have. lol.  The dreaded..."you need to put your junk in this cup" talk.  Long story short I have horrible horrible monthlies sorry for the TMI but I've had to have surgery and such for this and he wants to "fix me" first. :S  I think he's just avoiding having it done by using me as an excuse.  REGARDLESS he needs to be checked.  SO on Sept 1st we're finally getting away for our beach vacation and I'm going to bring this up to him.  His work is really really stressful and it's not really something you want to get all into when you come home from 12 - 14 hr days. SO at the beach, no work, no worries, time to have the talk again. :D  

I just want to say also that I think it's wonderful that you're so supportive.  Not saying that my husband ain't, but I've had to drive 2 hrs away just to see my RE and that's of course 2 hrs back by myself alot of times just to go the doctor. That includes having to have all those umcomfortable tests. He hardly gets off of work and I understand but it'd be wonderful if he could've been there with me.  Best of luck with "the talk". :)

[JMiller10]

can u do the sample at home and bring it in right after? my husband had the option of doing that

[anxious_30yrs]

Dear JMiller10

Not all clinics are the same. Ours discourages 'sample collection' at home for reasons known only to themselves. (I understand that the freshness of the sample is very important and timing is very important as any delay can cause damage to the can sperm cells.)

I was lucky that having had "that talk" with my wife, she came to see how much this was bothering me (due to my past hospital 'experience'). My wife accompanied me to the clinic and her support certainly made 'giving' this sample easier.

Now we have to wait for over a week for the results, but in the mean time my wife has the HSG test. We're hoping that the doctor will let me be there to support her too! Personally, I NEED to be there for her, holding her hand at every stage.

Good luck to you all. I hope that we are all fortunate enough to start families soon!

Anxious_30yrs

[Des_a_rae]

Yay!!  And Good luck on your results!!  Good luck to your wife as well with her HSG!  Those are quite bothersome. :(  Hopefully you'll be able to go back with her but here I had to go alone. :(  Anyways, please keep us posted if you don't mind.  We love seeing positive results in people who are trying to have a family of their own!  It gives us all hope! :)