completely lost, need advice

to start so know the history my dh and i have never used birthcontrol in the 11 years we been together 2003 we decided to ttc with no luck went to the dr both got tested and my progestrogen didnt rise after my apparent ovulation did 3 round cloid got preggo but we miscarried a month late another month of clomid we got pregnant with our son he we was 5 a few days ago but in 2008 we ttc again trying clomid for 6 months but we didnt get preggo we still do not use birthcontrol either i has just getting used to being a mom of 1 recently so many of my coworkers and friends were having their 2 and 3 babies and i just thought whatever i am not going to get have anymore kids so im  just gonna live my life and be happy with my one perfect little boy well in oct 09 i shockingly discovered i was pregnant we were thrilled we repeated labs every 2 days for 8 days my numbers were great tripling instead of doubling we were so happy and we were due 6/15/10  but at 7.5 weeks we miscarried and two days after my miscarriage my granny passed the first was hard enough and i felt like i had been teased i was given what i had preayed for and tried for and longed for and then its like whoops sorry you cant have it and then when my granny passed its like it wasnt good enough to take my baby had to take my granny too... i wasnt hurt enough i wasnt crying enough i wasnt hurting enough so life just goes and rips any my granny the women who might as well of been my mother its been almost 8 months and i do good i am happy with my patients and coworkers and my family but sometimes i feel its a lie at night i sometimes look through pics of my granny and wish i could just talk to her so bad and a friend had her baby and she was only due a few weeks before me so seeing her with her new baby makes me realize all the more what i have lost. i had asked my dr to tie my tubes in nov but he said no he said i was emotional and wasnt thinking clearly he said wait 6 months i have an appt the end of this month to discuss it but i cant decide if i want it cause i truely dont want anymore kids or if im just too scared to loose another baby i know i am too scared to try again but i dont know how to distinguish if im doing it for the right reason theres still too much grief and pain for me to see it clearly i dont know i feel like my heart and my mind oth want diferent things but i cant determine which wants what......

[nshapland]

I would suggest not making a decision about something like having your tubes tied when you are feeling like this. I miscarried in Feb (at 8 weeks) and it was truly devastating. I also wondered why I would be given something I had prayed for only to have it taken away.  To make things worse, my baby was due on my daughter's birthday. So this Oct, I will be celebrating my daughter's birthday and mourning for what would have been my son's birthday (we found out it was a genetically normal baby boy).  It sometimes feels like someone is playing a cruel joke on me.
Is there anyone you could talk to?  I have a therapist who has been helpful (although she is pregnant, which is hard). There are also RESOLVE infertility support groups...
good luck!

[mom21cuteboy]

not to sound stupid but what is resolve inferitilty group? but same situation here my son was 5 june3 i feel like right now i should be introducing him to his little brother or sister and i know i want to tie my tubes i am just not sure if its for the right reason we had just decided since we didnt get preggo on the clomid in 08 that we were done becuase we choose not to try to do anything more than the clomid i had an hsg in 08 cuase i had a section with my son just to be sure there wasnt any scar tissue in the way nope all clear no i dont talk to anyone no one else around me knows what im going through they have been blessed not to go through this all their babies have been pretty easy to get preggo and then go on to healthy babies i have on cousin who has been through this but she doesnt live near me and she now has 3 healthy kids the youngest only a few months old my husnband was excited about being a daddy again but he says no to the clomid again and he says he would prefer me not to tie my tubes he says if its meant to be we will get pregnant again but im not sure if i want to risk loosing another baby i know that half of all pregnancies end in a miscarriage most before you even know your pregnant and thats a risk that every woman takes when she decideds to have a baby and there are many women who have been through this more times than me i work in  the hospital around here so i have their ins if i go out of area then my ins only covers 50% if i go to my hospital then its 10 a visit but i work there i hear the gossip nothing ever stays a secre tno matter who you are if you work there no matter where you work i come here looking fro someone who has been here where i am looking for someone i can talk to so maybe i can move on a little bit more cause i know i havent moved very far about 3 -4 months ago a boss said she was gald i was happy again and whats bad is im happy but im not at the same timei love my family and my life but i want to go back to oct 15 2009 when my granny was still alive and happy and we were all excited i was pregnant and everyhting seemed great now its like BOY WAS I WRONG! thank you i feel like i have vented myself to being ready to go to bed i havent slept good since all this happened minus wheni was in surgery in april i got plenty of sleep for a few days between anestisia and pain meds (ankle surgery)

[SunWorshiper_26]

First of all I am so sorry for your losses. I cannot even imagine how you must feel. It seems like when one thing goes wrong everything goes wrong (when it rains it pours). I would suggest opening up to someone who you know has had difficulty conceiving even if it's through email or staying active on these forums. I am a therapist and I understand how difficult it can be to get counseling through work. Nothing stays private even when it should. But try and be open and talk to others that you trust, relative, husband, close friend. Someone who will be sympathetic and understand.

I think you need to give yourself some more time to grieve for your losses. I would also suggest after greiving trying to get a second opinion from a high risk OB or fertility specialist. High risk OB specialize in those with recurring miscarriages.

I also suffered a miscariage and it is something that I will never stop thinking about. While I think about it less than before you never forget. Additionally there is that fear that it will happen again and even avoidance of the situation (becoming pregnant). I can't blame you, it is incredibly emotionally draining and devistating when you loose a child at any point in your pregnancy. Talk to your husband let him listen to you, talk together, pray together, maybe even seek spiritual counseling (usually it's free!). I wish you all the luck in the world. It's ok to take a break from ttc but don't give up or good yet, tale some time to grieve your losses.

[nshapland]

The RESOLVE website is: http://www.resolve.org/
Click on the support and services button and it lists support groups. I really think it helps to talk to others who are going through the same thing.  
Also, re: your grandma, many churches/synagogues have grief groups that help people who are grieving the loss of loved ones.
Good luck

[mom21cuteboy]

i really appreciate all the advice cause i feel lost i felt a little better just after my orignal post like i had vented some of my feelings. i just want my life to get back to whatever kind of normal its going to be but like isaid im not sure how to get there. i am gonna check out the resolve group too and idid try to talk to my husband about tieing my tubs he still says he dont see why i want to  do it but he also wont say if he wants to try again or if he is sure we are done if i could get a definate answer from him maybe it would give me more clarity but still i am not sure if i want to risk this pain again, yes the joy would so be worth it but if it didnt end good id be lost all over again and its too hard trying to get back now.