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Avatar universal

dealing with others pregnancies while ttc after loss

Hi everyone, well, I just thought Id post and get some suggestions.  Im 26 and married to my wonderful dh going on 3 yrs. My twins were stillborn when I was 7 months along a year ago and I had a mc last year.  We are finally ttc again! Im wondering if any of you really struggled with others pregnancies after a loss and how you handled it. I really think God has this all in his timing and Im working SO hard on my positive attitude... but that doesnt take away the hurt especially when you see that others have what you lost and have it so easily.  Its like salt in the wound and I have to put on this mask in order to be able to deal with it. Ive tried opening up to my mom about it when I meltdown after finding out someone close to me is pregnant but I get the feeling that she is tired of my "pitty party" and wants me to move on so Ive just stopped talking about my pain with her.
Has anyone else had similar experiences.  Ive heard so many people be like..."just be happy for them"...but its deeper than that.  Please share your coping strategies!  I am thankful that we are ttc again and that has been helping me alot!  God bless you with lots of babydust!
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Avatar universal
I am so sorry for your loss, that is something I dont think you will ever get over.  You will survive through it, but the pain will always be there and sometimes it will get worse before it gets better.  
I m/c over two months ago, just when I thought I had put it past me, I see u/s of friends pregnancy, then find out more friends have become pregnant.  Even though I am happy for each one of them I go home and cry...because it isnt me!  I wish them all healthy pregnancy's but I just wish they would understand and be sensitive. I feel like my mom is the only one in this battle with me and my dh thinks I will get pregnant just like that and we just had a bump in the road.  But I dont think what I went through was a bump...it happened to be a huge ditch that hurt a lot!
I am so glad you posted...I got to vent a bit too.  I guess that is what this site is for!  I hope everything works out for you!
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Avatar universal
This is the rest of that letter... A little long.

my sadness. I feel hopeless; infertility robs me of my energy. I've never cried so much nor so easily. I'm sad that my infertility places my marriage under so much strain. I'm sad that my infertility requires me to be so self-centered. I'm sad that I've ignored many friendships because this struggle hurts so much and demands so much energy. Friends with children prefer the company of other families with children. I'm surrounded by babies, pregnant women, playgrounds, baby showers, birth stories, kids' movies, birthday parties and much more. I feel so sad and hopeless. My infertility makes me feel unsettled. My life is on hold. Making decisions about my immediate and my long-term future seems impossible. I can't decide about education, career, purchasing a home, pursuing a hobby, getting a pet, vacations, business trips and houseguests. The more I struggle with my infertility, the less control I have. This struggle has no timetable; the treatments have no guarantees. The only sure things are that I need to be near my partner at fertile times and near my doctor at treatment times. Should I pursue adoption? Should I take expensive drugs? Should I pursue more specialized and costly medical intervention? It feels unsettling to have no clear, easy answers or guarantees.

Occasionally I feel my panic subside. I'm learning some helpful ways to cope; I'm now convinced I'm not crazy, and I believe I'll survive. I'm learning to listen to my body and to be assertive, not aggressive, about my needs. I'm realizing that good medical care and good emotional care are not necessarily found in the same place. I'm trying to be more than an infertile person gaining enthusiasm, joyfulness, and zest for life.

You can help me. I know you care about me and I know my infertility affects our relationship. My sadness causes you sadness; what hurts me, hurts you, too. I believe we can help each other through this sadness. Individually we both seem quite powerless, but together we can be stronger. Maybe some of these hints will help us to better understand infertility.

I need you to be a listener. Talking about my struggle helps me to make decisions. Let me know you are available for me. It's difficult for me to expose my private thoughts if you are rushed or have a deadline for the end of our conversation. Please don't tell me of all the worse things that have happened to others or how easily someone else's infertility was solved. Every case is individual. Please don't just give advice; instead, guide me with your questions. Assure me that you respect my confidences, and then be certain that you deserve my trust. While listening try to maintain an open mind. I need you to be supportive. Understand that my decisions aren't made casually,I've agonized over them. Remind me that you respect these decisions even if you disagree with them, because you know they are made carefully. Don't ask me, "Are you sure?" Repeatedly remind me that you love me no matter what. I need to hear it so badly. Let me know you understand that this is very hard work. Help me realize that I may need additional support from professional caregivers and appropriate organizations. Perhaps you can suggest resources. You might also need support for yourself, and I fear I'm unable to provide it for you; please don't expect me to do so. Help me to keep sight of my goal.

I need you to be comfortable with me, and then I also will feel more comfortable. Talking about infertility sometimes feels awkward. Are you worried you might say the wrong thing? Share those feelings with me. Ask me if I want to talk. Sometimes I will want to, and sometimes I won't, but it will remind me that you care.

I need you to be sensitive. Although I may joke about infertility to help myself cope, it doesn't seem as funny when others joke about it. Please don't tease me with remarks like, "You don't seem to know how to do it." Don't trivialize my struggle by saying, "I'd be glad to give you one of my kids." It's no comfort to hear empty reassurances like, "You'll be a parent by this time next year." Don't minimize my feelings with, "You shouldn't be so unhappy." For now, don't push me into uncomfortable situations like baby showers or family reunions. I already feel sad and guilty; please don't also make me feel guilty for disappointing you.

I need you to be honest with me. Let me know that you may need time to adjust to some of my decisions. I also needed adjustment time. If there are things you don't understand, say so. Please be gentle when you guide me to be realistic about things I can't change such as my age, some medical conditions, financial resources, and employment obligations. Don't hide information about others' pregnancies from me. Although such news makes me feel very sad, it feels worse when you leave me out.

I need you to be informed. Your advice and suggestions are only frustrating to me me if they aren't based on fact. Be well informed so you can educate others when they make remarks based on myths. Don't let anyone tell you that my infertility will be cured if I relax and adopt. Don't tell me this is God's will. Don't ask me to justify my need to parent. Don't criticize my course of action or my choice of physician even though I may do that myself. Reassure yourself that I am also searching for plenty of information which helps me make more knowledgeable decisions about my options.

I need you to be patient. Remember that working through infertility is a process. It takes time. There are no guarantees, no package deals, no complete kits, no one right answer, and no "quickie" choices. My needs change; my choices change. Yesterday I demanded privacy, but today I need you for strength. You have many feelings about infertility, and I do too. Please allow me to have anger, joy, sadness, and hope. Don't minimize or evaluate my feelings. Just allow me to have them, and give me time.

I need you to be strengthening by boosting my self esteem. My sense of worthlessness hampers my ability to take charge. My personal privacy has repeatedly been invaded. I've been subjected to postcoital exams, semen collection in waiting room bathrooms, and tests in rooms next to labor rooms. Enjoyable experiences with you such as a lunch date, a shopping trip, or a visit to a museum help me feel normal.

Encourage me to maintain my sense of humor; guide me to find joys. Celebrate with me my successes, even ones as small as making it through a medical appointment without crying. Remind me that I am more than an infertile person. Help me by sharing your strength.

Eventually I will be beyond the struggle of infertility. I know my infertility will never completely go away because it will change my life. I won't be able to return to the person I was before infertility, but I also will no longer be controlled by this struggle. I will leave the struggle behind me, and from that I will have improved my skills for empathy, patience, resilience, forgiveness, decision-making and self-assessment. I feel grateful that you are trying to ease my journey through this infertility struggle by giving me your understanding.
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Avatar universal
you are not wrong to feel the way you do, it is normal to feel that pull in your heart as you look back and remember your babies and what they might be like now. i have has 5 mc total and i am blessed with 2 ds. you are right though everything is in God's timing. his plan is perfect even though we don't always understand it. i always tell myself he must have needed my angels in heaven, i know i will meet them there. hang in there God Bless!!! my prayers are with you....
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Avatar universal
I totally feel your pain.  I feel like a stranger among wommen my age (29) because all they talk about is babies.  I don't go out with them anymore and I barely talk to them.  It's really sad and I wonder if it will ever get better.  I am struggling with this too.  I have called my sister, mom, brother, and father on the fact that they are not being as sensitive as I would like and they really turned around well at least my sister and mom.  They said they just didn't know what to say or they didn't want to bother me or bring it up if I wasn't bothered.  I explained it's not something that can be ignored since it's my everyday life.  I found this letter on the internet and read it to them and I swear they finally got it.  Not everyone is going to get it so maybe pick a handful to read this to and expect support from.  Let me know if it works.

Dear Family and Friends,

I want to share my feelings about infertility with you, because I want you to understand my struggle. I know that understanding infertility is difficult; there are times when it seems even I don't understand. This struggle has provoked intense and unfamiliar feelings in me and I fear that my reactions to these feelings might be misunderstood. I hope my ability to cope and your ability to understand will improve as I share my feelings with you. I want you to understand.

You may describe me this way: obsessed, moody, helpless, depressed, envious, too serious, obnoxious, aggressive, antagonistic, and cynical. These aren't very admirable traits; no wonder your understanding of my infertility is difficult. I prefer to describe me this way: confused, rushed and impatient, afraid, isolated and alone, guilty and ashamed, angry, sad and hopeless, and unsettled.

My infertility makes me feel confused. I always assumed I was fertile. I've spent years avoiding pregnancy and now it seems ironic that I can't conceive. I hope this will be a brief difficulty with a simple solution such as poor timing. I feel confused about whether I want to be pregnant or whether I want to be a parent. Surely if I try harder, try longer, try better and smarter, I will have a baby.

My infertility makes me feel rushed and impatient. I learned of my infertility only after I'd been trying to become pregnant for some time. My life-plan suddenly is behind schedule. I waited to become a parent and now I must wait again. I wait for medical appointments, wait for tests, wait for treatments, wait for other treatments, wait for my period not to come, wait for my partner not to be out of town and wait for pregnancy. At best, I have only twelve opportunities each year. How old will I be when I finish having my family?

My infertility makes me feel afraid. Infertility is full of unknowns, and I'm frightened because I need some definite answers. How long will this last? What if I'm never a parent? What humiliation must I endure? What pain must I suffer? Why do drugs I take to help me, make me feel worse? Why can't my body do the things that my mind wants it to do? Why do I hurt so much? I'm afraid of my feelings, afraid of my undependable body and afraid of my future.

My infertility makes me feel isolated and alone. Reminders of babies are everywhere. I must be the only one enduring this invisible curse. I stay away from others, because everything makes me hurt. No one knows how horrible is my pain. Even though I'm usually a clear thinker, I find myself being lured by superstitions and promises. I think I'm losing perspective. I feel so alone and I wonder if I'll survive this.

My infertility makes me feel guilty and ashamed. Frequently I forget that infertility is a medical problem and should be treated as one. Infertility destroys my self esteem and I feel like a failure. Why am I being punished? What did I do to deserve this? Am I not worthy of a baby? Am I not a good sexual partner? Will my partner want to remain with me? Is this the end of my family lineage? Will my family be ashamed of me? It is easy to lose self-confidence and to feel ashamed.

My infertility makes me feel angry. Everything makes me angry, and I know much of my anger is misdirected. I'm angry at my body because it has betrayed me even though I've always taken care of it. I'm angry at my partner because we can't seem to feel the same about infertility at the same time. I want and need an advocate to help me. I'm angry at my family because they've always sheltered and protected me from terrible pain. My younger sibling is pregnant; my mother wants a family reunion to show off her grandchildren and my grandparents want to pass down family heirlooms. I'm angry at my medical caregivers, because it seems that they control my future. They humiliate me, inflict pain on me, pry into my privacy, patronize me, and sometimes forget who I am. How can I impress on them how important parenting is to me? I'm angry at my expenses; infertility treatment is extremely expensive. My financial resources may determine my family size. My insurance company isn't cooperative, and I must make so many sacrifices to pay the medical bills. I can't miss any more work, or I'll lose my job. I can't go to a specialist, because it means more travel time, more missed work, and greater expenses. Finally, I'm angry at everyone else. Everyone has opinions about my inability to become a parent. Everyone has easy solutions. Everyone seems to know too little and say too much.
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169867 tn?1327598654
I forgot to write about how I coped - I don't remember much of the first miscarriage all those years ago, I remember feeling I should "pull myself together" as everyone took that attitude as I was so young at the time. I concentated on getting pg again , that was all I could think about. My oldest daughter is now 11 years old, I was only 19 when I had her and it took 2 years to conceive her.
Since my last m/c in September I have become consumed by ttc again- it's getting obsessive.
I think this is my way of coping- like it will make it all better when I'm pregnant again. I haven't stopped to wonder how I will actually feel- I think I will worry myself to death when I get another BFP...

Have you spoken to your doctor? Perhaps they could point you in the right direction for some kind of support.

I think everyone copes (or not) very differently and I think perhaps you should sit down and tell your mum how you feel. I'm sure she would be more understanding if she really knew how much you were hurting.

Ruth xx
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Avatar universal
I am struggling with this as well. I've had 2 miscarriages in the past 4 months, no children. I am 23, and people say "oh your young you'll be fine", but that is not how I feel. I am thankful I am young enough to have time to figure this out, but it doesn't make these losses easier and it doesn't make it easier when people around me get pregnant and have babies.

I've heavily relied on my best friend (second to my husband) for support in these last few months. Well, a few days ago she told me she went off birth control and they are trying to get pregnant, only 1 week after my 2nd miscarriage she decided this. I'm so sad. I don't blame her, I can't control her life by my suffering, but I just wish they'd wait a little while. It makes me so sad, I can't talk to her about my pain anymore. I guess I need to find a new friend for the time being. I know when she gets pregnant, we'll probably stop hanging out because I don't want to deal with that. It's the hardest thing, I find myself praying it doesn't happen for them for at least a few months, until I can get fertility testing done and try again! It's so selfish of me. I feel like every time I get back up, I get knocked back down again. Praying is a great coping mech for me as well as listening to inspiring music. I listen to Barlow Girl, and I swear it's done a huge part in my recovery and healing. Check it out!
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Avatar universal
I haven't had any m/c's, but I also have to fight off my feelings of jealousy when I find out others are pregnant.  The thing is, being on this site and seeing all the women struggling with trying to get pregnant has really helped me a lot!!  I have friends who "accidentally" got pregnant and have been complaining ever since.  It makes me so angry and it takes everything in me to be able to deal with them.  The only thing I can say is it's natural to feel hurt or jealous or just angry and you should never apologize for feeling that way.  If your mother is tired of hearing about it, find others (like us) to share your feelings with.  We're all going through frustrating times and I'm sure everyone here is more than willing to listen when you need to talk!
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Avatar universal
Thanks so much for all of your encouragement.  It has just hurt so much at seeing other people have babies and I have felt guilty about my feelings about it at the same time.  Its crazy!  But, I was thinking the other day...how would any woman handle it?  Those that are pregnant and have their baby around me would feel just as devestated and hurt if I was the one pregnant or with a healthy baby and they were the ones going through infertility.  So, that helps me realize its normal and I dont have to be some kind of superwoman that just gets up and goes on like nothing has happened.  Anyway, I pray for all of you on this board everyday and appreciate your comments!
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169867 tn?1327598654
I'm so sorry for your losses, it's no wonder you feel as you do, I can't imagine losses that far into your pregnancy.

I have had two miscarriages, one when I was 17 and one last year age 30 and both were less than 12 weeks but both I found hard to cope with.

I do have children and thank God for them every day.

Big Hugs to you, I wish you all the luck in the world. I'm sure he will bless you very soon.

Ruth xx
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