the "I am annoyed by this" thread

I know this doesn't really belong in here, but I feel like I have to get this off my chest.

I'm a bit annoyed by TTC, why you ask? Well, there is 1st the fact that MEN can produce a child at any time, any day, but we WOMEN can only conceive 2 days a month, 2 DAYS, that are 28 days in a year, the rest of the time is bleeding, hoping, crossing fingers and the worst thing EVER, waiting.

Something else that annoys me a bit are my friends or the people closest around me who conceive, and conceive, and conceive, and GET WHAT THEY WANT, while everyone else is trying, trying and losing their hope.

And PLEASE, what is with all the charting? BBT, TTC, CM, HPT, OPK - people, this is TOO MUCH, when did conceive a miracle of life become work? Oh, not to forget the DH, BF, Baby Daddy - or whatever you wanna call him, it's like they don't seem to understand sometimes how important it is to some, or ALL of us to receive such a gift.

One more - for those of you out there who have DH, BF and whoever, with already at least one other face to see themselves in, it's like my BF doesn't understand with his two sons that I kinda sometimes feel left out.

It's really good to get it out, anyone feels the same? I mean come on, let it out, grab a tissue. :)

[GiGiGiGi]

I feel your pain, hon.  

There are a zillion things that I could add to your "I am annoyed by this" thread.  I think I will have to leave my big long response till later.  I'm at work right now and afraid to let loose!  

One thing I will add right now though is that I am annoyed that I get to be poked, prodded, blood drawn, BBT, OPK, HPT, HSG and my DH cant even get it together to go for his semen analysis.  Like come on... how difficult could it be to put a deposit in a cup!  

Ok - thats my beef for right now.... but more will be coming... believe me!

Gigi

[vizslamama]

I'm with you. I just read that Heidi Klum is pregnant again. I really wish no ill will on anyone, but after a certain point it is like all this TTC invades your heart and starts to chip away at the good. Every single one of of our friends is either pregnant, on their 2nd, 3rd, 4th. Whatever. My husband is amazing but he can't get it. He can't understand that after a miscarriage that every time you pee it is like a ride in the danger zone. I go for my beta tomorrow, thus far all my HPT have been positive, I've had a bit of spotting - I am petrified. So if I get a BFP that means I live on pins and needles until when? No one gets it outside of those of us who are going through it. It blows. I know good things can happen and we have to stay positive and being jealous just makes it hurt more but it is hard to control your feelings when you feel defective and everyone else gets what you want without even trying that hard.

Marne

[lost_kitty]

YES! I agree, I feel "broken", "defect", it's weird, 1 of my friends called me one day, im pregnant (we had a whole argument about it and didnt spoke for nearly 2 years), after we started speaking again i asked her, how did this all happen? and she said to me: "we know we wanted to have children 1 day, so we just left out the condom and whatever happened happened" AND IT HAPPENED ON THE 1ST TRY.... that actually made me VERY angry...

I feel SO useless and left out

[vizslamama]

You are not alone. I feel the same way. I am the freak in our group. After I m/c'd in 2006 and had a bit of a freak out people stopped being able to deal with me - they did not know what to do. Every time someone in our group got pg they called me husband so he could tell me like I am some sort of elephant man. Now I feel like no matter what happens I will never feel the same about anyone in our social group - most of whom are friends only via my husband so that makes it even harder. It all *****.

[RockynRobyn]

I hear ya sister! I've been thinking it this the last time we stopped trying and now here we are again. Ready to try! Sometimes the DH/BF/Baby's Dad or whomever it is just doesn't get it and you're right, I have family members that just have babies all willie nillie and I'm like DANG just give me 1 more that's it 1 that's all Im asking, Like they have 3- 7 kids I do have 1 daughter that i am blessed with, but what's so wrong with wanting 1 more, and why in the world is it so hard. I have friends that all they have to do is look at HPT commercial and then the next day, GIRLIE I'm pregnant. Honestly it's getting dang hard for me to grin and bare, but I do know I'm not alone, all of us here are having the same issue and I'm praying that our time will come! Baby Dust and Good Luck!

[hannah1505]

how bad is it my 42 year ol dad has just had another child my bf brother had just had another child and its just so hard
im bridesmaid for my aunti in september she said she dsent want a pregnant bridmaid like im gonna stop trying for  5  months when i have been tryong over a year for  one day of her life miss a chance of something i dont think so ONLY to find out she wants to start trying herself!!!!!!
WTF

arrrghhhh im 22 in 3 weeks i should not be worrying about trying to concieve (conceive) every one slse decides when why carnt we life is ******** i hate the upset and these little 17 yr old girls who dont even want a child

and a beautiful bf who i love dear and i no it hurts him but he is more worried about when our moneys coming in so he can but some new boxing gloves i dont no !!
arrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhh!


god i feel a lil bit better but im sure ill be back good luck and lots of baby dust


n thing i will say when we get it we will be damn more greatful!!!!!!!!!

[angelamary]

It is nice to be honest with women who understand what I am going through. Everyone has a piece of advice for me. My pharmacist was giving my my Clomid perscription the other day and she said. "Sometimes, when you relax, it helps" OMG!!!! I DIDN'T KNOW THAT!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!. I am guessing you have 3-4 beautiful children at home!

My worst secret is that sometimes I am so resentful of my unborn child. We have been ttc for 4 years and I am soooo sick of feeling guilty for having a beer in the last two weeks of cycle and I don't dring coffee and I have sex on my back with my legs up in the air.
Please give me my life back. I just want to be IFV with twins and never try again and start living again.
Whew, sorry, that was a bit harsh, but I feel better for getting that off my chest!

[Mareski]

I am so glad you posted this. I too am sick of all the charting and poking and getting my hopes up every month. Why is it so easy for some and for us we have to go through all this heartache. And my DH, I love him, but I don't think he gets it and what this has done to me. I used to be a pleasant person and easy going and now I am up-tight and getting frustrated easily. I can't stand all the shows out there with people having 8+ kids and I can't even have 1. I am scare of the financial costs that this will bear on us as we prepare for going to a specialist. I feel that this is my burden and that I am the one that has to take control. I feel like less of a woman, becuase I can't have a child.

[GiGiGiGi]

Wow - my list of things that I am annoyed with is rapidly growing!

I am getting really tired of being the only childless person in my group of friends.  What is worse is that DH is 4 years  younger than me.  When we first got together it was great because there was no pressure to reproduce... well guess what... over the past year all of his close buddies have gotten their wives pregnant,  There are 4 babies on the way in our group.  We have been trying longer than any of them - in fact some of the girls (who are considerably younger than me) even came to be asking for advice on TTC!!!! And then they get pregnant and I dont!  NICE.  here I am  the oldest woman in the group - and now the LAST  to have a baby.  Feels  horrible.  DH wants to go on vacation with his friend and his pregnant wife, and i nixxed that idea.  I AM NOT GOING ON VACATION WITH A GIRL WHO GOT PREGNANT AFTER FOLLOWING MY ADVICE WHILE I CANNOT CONCEIVE (WITH OR WITHOUT MY ADVICE)!!!

I am also VERY ANNOYED with people who ask us when we are going to have a baby (just been married since June/08).  Instead of pasting that fake smile on my face, i feel like yelling WE HAVE BEEN TRYING FOR 2 YEARS AND ARE APPARENTLY INFERTILE!!!!! That would probably shut them up.  But I am too embarassed to admit to anyone that we cant make babies.  That annoys me too.  i am starting to feel inferior to others.

Another thing that really bugs me is that as a defense mechanisim i tell everyone that we dont like kids and dont want kids.  That makes me feel bad, but not as bad as telling them that there is something wrong with us.

Ok here is something else that annoys me - please do not take offense anyone - keep in mind that this is coming from a 36 year old woman who feels that her time to have babies is running out.  I belong to another message board  that shows exaclty how long I have been a member.  What annoys the **** out of me is that no one in the TTC message board has been there as long as I have.  I keep seeing postings of BFP from people who have only belonged for a month or two and have not been trying for long at all.  Where is the justice?

Another thing that annoys me is that my husband is now afraid to tell me that any of his friends wived are pregnant. (Of course now they all are, but i'm sure more will come out of the woodwork)  I always break down and have a hissy fit.  I sometimes feel that I am going wacko. (after reading this I can see that I may be putting a lot of pressure on DH - no wonder he doesnt want to go for his semen analysis.  he is probably scared of what my reaction will be if there is something wrong with him)

I have now developed a fear that friends or family members who I did not know were TTC are going to announce pregnancies at get togethers or parties. I will be sooo upset if my Brother and his g/f get pregant before we do. Not good at handling that news at all.  

OK - so that is  my rant for right now.  I'm guessing there will be more to follow.

Gigi

[GiGiGiGi]

Another thing that annoys me is  that you cannot edit a posting on this msg board once it is made.  Sorry for the typos in my last post!

[Joyce49788]

i probably shouldnt comment on this thread as i dont know what you ladies are truly going through... but i would like to offer my support and to tell you how sorry i am that you are all going through this... NOBODY deserves to go through this difficulty in thier lives... to want something sooo badly and nobody understands is horrible. i wish there were more support groups for this topic in the real world instead of just online.

good luck to everyone and i send out TONS of SUPER DUPER STICKY BABYDUST to you all

*************************************POOF-SSBD***************************************

[4everwealth]

Annoyed?! Annoyed?!!! I am annoyed!! I am depressed! I am sad!!! I am frustrated!! I feel sorry for myself and I feel defeated!!!
I had a friend who had also been ttc for 3 years and it felt good having someone I could hang out with and sometimes talk about ttc but what happens? She's pregnant now. Ofcourse I'm happy for her but I have been ttc for longer and here I am, still trying!!! I feel so left out and sorry for myself!!
Then one of my colleagues is pregnant with her 4th child and her 3rd child is not one yet!! She says her husband has always wanted 4 children and she figures since she's 35 she had better just have the 4th now? Good thinking but I couldnt help but wonder where is my first child? She didnt even try but here I am trying for so long and NOTHING!!! I am annoyed.
Then there's the constant BD on specific CD, lying on ur back for awhile after BDing, analyzing every cramp, bb soreness, sleepless night, watching what u eat and frequent visits to the doctor, a stranger seeing all ur privates and at the end of it all......BFN. I am defeated!
I could go on and on and on........ constant research online, if IUI dont work, you research IVF, you research about laproscopy, HSG, hysteroscopy, research the drugs, clomid, cyclogest, estradiol, metformin and to crown it all, despite AF coming every month, I start all over again the next cycle. PATHETIC!!!
We all keep trying to conceive despite it all. Ironic. :), :((
Joyce: Thanks for your encouragement.
Baby Dust to all!!!!

[piggy2]

oH!!!!   This is such a great thread!!  I just keep reading and saying, "yes.. yes... YES!!!"  Ladies, can I tell you what a great place the internet is when your own family and DH is tiptoeing around on pins and needles because, to tell you the truth, I think I really am losing it sometime.  At least I can let lose here.  My DH told me he doesn't want me to keep logging on here everyday.  He said it's not good for me........   (steam coming out my ears)

I will confess, I have WISHED for some of the more religious gals in my office to just bring it up one more time and I will absolutely EXPLODE with examples of how good life is when people like Caysee Anthony get a beautiful child.  People, I live in Florida and I see this sh*t everyday.  

Gigigi- I totally get the friend thing.  I also get the coworker thing.  Everyone announces their pregnancy at our office morning meetings.  It got so bad, it seemed as if everyone had an announcement that I just started not showing up to those meetings.  My sup was getting kind of suspicious, but I just said I was busy.  PATHETIC!!

I also have found that if you try to hide your pregnancy from me or if you are afraid of telling me, that really *****S ME OFF!  I am so much happier for the gal that is just honest.  I have a co-worker who cornered me to ask me "now that we are alone" how things were going.  I was in an unusually sharing mood that day so I totally spilled my guts.  I'm talking all 2 miles of guts and everything out on the floor and in the open.  Well guess what?  After she shed one single tear and gave me a hug, I found out one week later that she was 3 months preg!!!!!!!!!    

God, instead of giving me strength, give me skin so thick that **** like this doesn't rip my heart out and squish it on the floor with pointy Jimmy Choo's!!!

Glass of wine, anyone?

[GiGiGiGi]

Come on over, girlfriend!  Shall it be white or red?

GiGi

[4everwealth]

Let's live dangerously and make it white. Red has too many health benefits and for once, we should stop following the rule of 'it's good for your health considering ttc and all that....'

What do you think gals? ;))

[Mareski]

Sounds great. Pour me a full glass.

[piggy2]

Yes 4ever, lets live dangerously!  Because living this good has not been fruitful so far..... Let's just skip the wine and go straight for the cosmos!!!    OMG, Now that I think about it, I have not had one of those for over a year......(gasp)!

Martinis for everyone!  my tab!

[thetam01]

wow it's so comforting to know ur not alone.. i feel soo alone, ashamed, like a failure.. people have said to me well it's not meant to be, it's not gods will, if it's meant to be then it will happen, i hear it soo much that sometimes i cry and say what have i done soo wrong as to not deserve to have a child.. i know deep down it's like any other medical problem for example if ur pancrease doesnt secret insulin u just take some if ur ovaries dont make eggs take clomid etc..  i try to put up a front so my husband doesnt see how hurt i am when my period comes. i have becme obscessed a bit always researching something don't exercise from the day of ovulation to day of af because i'm afraid i will affect implantation or make the egg fall out or something....everything about this is sooo stressfull and unfair

[angelamary]

I see sooo many people (I am a dental hygienist) who smoke a pack a day. Eat like ***** and drink like a fish and they forgot the condom one night while they were smashed and guess what! here comes a ******* that is almost breaking up their relationship, because nobody wants him/her.
I told my husband the other day, we should go on a strict McDonalds diet, lay on the couch all, drink coffee and beer all day. I bet you we'll be pregnant in a month!

[lost_kitty]

YOU, i know exactly how YOU feel... i mean, im myself turning 23 in may, AND IT SHOULDNT BE THAT HARD at this age, its ridiculous..... like everyone of my friends are getting pg, like we all r supposed to at this age, it shouldnt be all about fertility at this age it should be hey, look, its positive :D

and my bf, thank you for saying that your kinda just thinks about himself, THANK YOU, like its SO important to have this game, or that game, what about me? guys are selfish...

[lost_kitty]

i know what you mean, i myself would love to have twin girls, dress them all alike and just wrap all the pink is this world around their little bodies, and than start living again, like it is SO hard to give me what i want, and its funny, i have twins all around me, my sisters are twins, my dad has twins in their family, my sister babysat twins i babyset 2 different couple of twins, its ridiculous, i only want what everyone else has!!!

[lost_kitty]

so this one i have to comment o as well, since some or most of you have them. are they just annoying? are those the worst? of course we feel happy for them, but do they have to shuff their happiness into our faces? AND then the most worst thing ever, the first friend who got pg, didnt try, its the friend mentiouned above... however, as we were younger we were talking about babys and names, and i had my baby names all already put together, then here she comes, "im pg, but nobody can know" and she didnt even go to see a doc till she was like wast 6 month, i hated her for that, then there she was, telling everyone shes having a GIRL, and naming her emma MARIE, she SO stole my middle name, and then now, my other friend, she got pg and shes like, "im having a GIRL, her name will be KIRA" that one SO stole my first name, it kills me, and i kinda, in secret, hate tham all... but of course im also happy for them... as long as they dont come around with their babies to make me see em.

on top, im a nanny, and i HATE being around kids that arent mine, i now try to change my major from early childhood to surg tech, just so i can get away from the cuties that arent mine...

[4everwealth]

I totally get u on being around cuties that aren't mine. I work in a school and if I dont see a baby on a particular day, I'll definately see a pregnant woman. It's so frustrating.

And you know what else? Those with babies expect u to always oooh and aaah over their babies and even to carry them. Well, guess what! I'm not always in the mood to do that!!!  

[hopefulgirl26]

You know I'am so sick of this Bull**** !!!!!! When AM I GOING TO HAVE AT LEAST ONE CHILD!!!!!!!!! My God this is insane!!!!!!!!!! I know I will be so great as a mom only if I could get the chance to show everyone that I could do it. That ******* the DEVIL is working on me in  every which way that he can!!!!! My Grandmother was taken from me on the 2nd of april and plus I need to go and see my RE but I cant do that until the 11th of MAY!!!! If that woman takes one more vacation I know something!!!!! She just got back from vacation and she's going on another one and thats why I have to wait for so long. This is just not the mth for me; I just want to move on to my next process and get things going the way I need them to. Nobody understands my pain and why I'am always so GROUCHY and COMPLAINING and YELLING and BITCHY and............WHEW I need a breather............Its just so overwhelming you guys and you are the only ones who understands my pain : ) My GOD THIS IS KILLING ME. I have a younger cousin who is 20 yrs old and she has 4 kids and we think that she's pregnant again and its like, WHAT THE F***!! I'm not downing her or anything but its like since I have PCOS can I have an OVARIAN TRANSPLANT with her OVARIES  since she seems to OVULATE all the damn time!!!!!! Every time you look around she's PREGNANT and FERTILE as HELL and here I'am looking DUMB as HELL when people ask ( WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE A BABY) You know what? The next time someone ask me that I'am going to say; When your Kid stop getting pregnant and give me a chance to shine I will!!!! I know its mean but who gives a sh**! They obviously dont care about my feelings or they would stop asking me knowing that my DH and I have been together for 8yrs something should click in there egg heads that ther is problem with one of us or both, But do ya think that they give a rats a** HELL NO!!!!!!!!! And my AUNT HAD THE NERVE TO SAY TO ME THAT I WAS DRIED UP! Can you believe the nerve of that B****!! She's the type of person that say's whatever and whenever and doesnt care who gets hurt, And there was eight people around us at the time of that incident. I just wanted to slap her face clean off her shoulders I tell ya. Man that felt so good to get off of my chest! It would have felt even better if I could have said it out loud though instead of typing!!!! Well.... Have a good night all : )
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

[4everwealth]

Hey ladies, remember I mentioned my friend who had been ttc but is now pregnant? She just sent me a text telling me about the scan she had this past weekend where she saw the baby for the first time and would you believe it, I cried.:( I am so tired of feeling like this. Being sad coz its not happened for me. What did I do wrong to deserve this? Boohoo.

[wendb]

I'm tired of all these abbreviations, initials and such!!! All I want is to have a kid for pete's sake.  I never knew I'd need a degree in biology and medicine to even attempt to conceive.  I can do it anymore.  I can't live like this...constantly buying tests and constantly being disappointed.  If it happens, it'll happen the old fashioned way.  Besides all this stress has to be hindering me anyway.  I just get so aggravated that so many people around us just don't get how hard this is.  I'm sorry, but I just needed to vent.

[ArmyPrincess819]

I just wanted to say I hope things work out for you sooner than later. I will cross my fingers and hope you get your bfp......

[ladybug82]

Wow LOVE THIS new thread..... so i have relized that i have become the number one baby magnet .. not to mention the comercials on t.v ahhhhhhh . C/S my SIL has two kids from two different daddys and to top it off she doesnt have custody the smallest (katylne) was dx w/autism  and the older one is in rehab.. i mean i cant belive this ....give them to me  i will take care of them .. she parties all the time and know she is dating this DR and she says she wants to give him a baby ahhhhhhhhhh WHY..... just keepo your damn legs closed she has been through abour four abortions this year alone.... she keeps stacks of  that plan B pill ahhh ...... i mean she is a blast to be around but C'MON your already old stop going to clubs and bars ,  tie your damn tubes ..my husbands brother the youngest got married to a girl that doesnt have papers oh and lets not forget a jahovah witness she got married with him 8mo pregnant... okay i get it you beat me ...... they where only together for about a year... and now she is seven mo preg again ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh he is unemplyed and she is a maid ..they  mooches off the goverment i mean squeezes every penny ..... last time they came over they where bragging how much they get off unemployment > me and the dh said umm well we all now where all my taxes are going to ...... i am sorry a blabbing ... oh before i forget the saddest PART about all this is w/there first born she was faking and asking to be induced so they could get there taxes at the end of the year she was born prematurely   ahhhhh i mean i love them to death and i now they are great ppple but my god ....... i would like to be on top a mountain and scream my lungs out .....


ahhh that felt a lil better...

thanks so much for this thread

tight hugs to everyone

*:o) erika

[wanabb]

so i confided in my best friend last night, that i feel like crying ALL the time, and she told me that "getting depressed isn't going to help" and "god works in mysterious ways", really ? you talked to him? i hate how i feel like i did something wrong, none of us did anything to deserve this, and telling me to "relax" or "it will happen when the time is right" seriously p****s me off. to make it so much better i work at a childrens hospital, don't get me wrong i love being able to hold babies all day especially when their 16 parents haven't visited yet. That's my rant, sorry.  This forum actually makes me feel normal, because now i know i'm not the only one who feels broken.... Baby Dust to all...  

[wendb]

Oh my favorite one is..."if it's meant for you to have a baby, you'll have a baby".  Really...thanks.  That makes me feel better.  Maybe it's my imagination but it comes out so smugly to me.  Like they are better than us because they can get pregnant.  At least I now know that I'm not the only one.  Thanks gals for writing, it makes me much better knowing that I'm not crazy.

[angelamary]

I understand about feeling normal getting it out. It is "socially unacceptable" to say such things around all our pregnant friends or older generation, so we have to pretend to be positive about it when all we want to do freak out at people. The worst is when people have advice for you. If you have not walked in my shoes, please don't give me advice, I don't pretend to give parents advice!

[wendb]

I'm just glad I found this forum.  It makes me feel better to know that there are other ladies out there who feel the way I do.

[tctml]

wow.....Im reading all your postings and I feel like you guys are inside my head, and know exactly how Im feeling.  Im so glad I found this website.  There isn't one person in my life currently that understands at all what I am feeling.  I have been trying for nine years, and have absolutely nobody to talk to about my emotions.  All I get are looks of "pity". I get so anoyed everytime I hear the "its going to be okay" line from my BF.  Of course its going to be okay for him regardless of whether or not we have a child.  He already has two of his own.  My brothers wife is expecting their 8th child......yes I said 8! She is a smoker, who smokes duirng her pregnancies and around her kids and somehow she is pregnant with her 8th.  Im constantly poking myself with needles, watching what I eat, dont drink........Im sure you all know where this is going.  

Anyway, it felt good getting it off my chest with other women who understand.  Thanks for starting this thread and i wish you all the best of luck!!

[piggy2]

Can you believe it?  My honey took me to the beach to "get away from it all" and we checked in to a swanky little place, got on our suits (I could hear the ocean waves and feel the breeze)  ahhhhhh!  this is just what I needed.  I unfold my beach towel on a lounger and ...... viola!  what do I see parked right next to our claimed spot for the day?  A big 'ol preggie, lookin great in a two piece.  (tears come to eyes but do NOT spill)  God is so cruel sometimes!!!!!  argh!  I tell my hubby, " uh, I'll be at the tiki bar!!!"     haha   true.  >:O(

[wantingababy2007]

Well I can relate to all of you.  My DH and I have been trying for 2 years now.  It seems like everywhere I turn I see pregnant women.  Whats worse than that is all these teenagers getting pregnant that are not married and you know can't take care of the babies without the help of their parents....that one really blows my mind!  I am 34 years old and my husband is 37...I had a baby girl when I was 19 that I decided to give up for adoption so she could have a better life.  I've had 2 miscarriages in a previous miscarriage and now I can't even get pregnant PERIOD!  We have been to a fertility specialist and all....did 2 IUI's and nothing!  The best part for me is when I get really, really depressed and don't feel like getting out of bed for a week...my DH wants to sit and comfort me and say "don't worry it will happen one day for us"  I just want to scream at that point "WHAT IF IT DOESN'T? "  THAN WHAT?  Thanks for listening....that made me feel a lot better....at least for tonight

[Michelleinhawaii]

I can relate to everyone here, but I got you all beat!  I TTC for 2 years...found out my husband has low volume, he's "broken"...I had a laparoscopy found out I had endo and endo polyps "I'm broken ,too"...had 8 IUI's....finally got pregnant...bled/passed clots from day 1...took progesterone shots 3x a week, baby asprin, and progesterone suppositories daily...miscarried at 8 weeks....had D and C at 12 weeks....pathology from D and C diagnosed with having a "complete molar pregnancy"...bled for another month after D and C...had another D and C...diagnosed as having cancer since the "mole" grew back...monitored weekly with bloodtests...my HCG wasn't dropping, so had to start chemotherapy...did 7 weeks of methotrexate chemo numbers still never went down...now on my 2nd round of ACT-D chemo....9 months later instead of having a baby I will be having "cancer and chemotherpay"!!!!!!  

By getting pregnant I got cancer...WTF!!!
I spent thousands of dollars on fertility treatments to get pregnant with a very rare one in a million cancerous tumor called choriocarcinoma!!!!  Who the hell gets cancer from being pregnant?!?!?  It sounds like a joke and this is my life...

I'm tired of getting poked, protted, having surgeries, being diagnosed with the unthinkable, watching all of my friends getting pregnant at the drop of a hat and having beautiful babies without complications, seeing moms screaming at their babies and kids in the stores, and I especially hate seeing pregnant women everywhere and feeling "jealous".  I hate that I have to wait a year to TTC again and then start this whole process over again.

[Michelleinhawaii]

Oh and I forgot to mention that through all of this I had a mental breakdown started having panic attacks and have to see a therapist and take zoloft, xanax, and sleeping pills to get me through my days.....and now since we starte dthe second kind of chemo, my husband lost his mind too and has to see the therapist with me and he takes lexapro, xanax, and sleeping pills to get through his days

Thanks for letting me vent to perfect strangers....nobody can understand...everyone just feels sorry for my husband and I and tells us that  "God has a plan for us"...It's been a great plan so far that's for sure!!!!

[hopefulgirl26]

I'am so sorry that you have to go threw this. Who would expect to get cancer from getting pregnant thats just so unfair to anybody : ( I wish you all the luck in the world with your TTC process and I hope you get that BFP that you've been waiting for. Good luck and take care.

[hope_31]

this is suc a hard journey,,,,we found out we were pregnant on our honeymoon 2years ago and sadly it ended ina m/c(blighted ovum) and so the journey began and we tried and elevated my hips after sex counted days peed on stick you name it and it didnt work. so we went to a fertility specialist and after all the test came back normal on both ends we did 2 iui's with clomid and nothing! so i had a laparoscopy (my 3rd )to check my endometriosis which wasnt bad.then  tried injectibles and a 3rd iui and bingo we got pregnant and things were going great until the 2nd u/s and we found the baby had stopped growing at 6weeks when we should have been 8weeks. needless to say we were devastated. had a d&c and started the path to ivf which freakin' ***** and is a very long process. we had the egg retieval april 17th and the transfer on april 20th and may 1st is the pregnancy test! i am petrified to be pregnant a 3rd time even though its our obvious goal!! after finding out we were pregnantin october for the 2nd time someone actualy said"see and you were worried for nothing!" almost punched them. people can be so insensitive just because they have never had to go thru this it is a real horrible thing and just "relaxing" is a freakin joke!! everyone aroundme is pregnant or a new mom and i just wat my turn. i feel so broken!!!

[4everwealth]

Hello ladies.
Michellehawaii, it must really be hard for you and your DH. I know it must be hard but please do not give up. Getting pregnant and losing it is one thing but getting cancer, that's a really heavy cross to carry. I pray that when you have to start ttc again in about a year that you will be pleasantly blessed with a BFP. :). Please feel free to vent to us anytime.

hope_31, what can I say but good luck with the beta on the 1st of May. SSBD, lots of it.

[piggy2]

Wow, after reading your story you were right.  This should not be that hard.  My story is certainly nowhere near what you've had to go thru, but I'm sure we have both had those days and those feelings that make you feel as if you have reached the bottom.  The bottom of the barrel, the bottom of the ocean, underneath the rock that lays on the bottom of the ocean... you get it.  

It is not an easy journey.  I have prepared myself in someways to hope for the best, but anticipate the worst.  I am still glad that you and your hubby are ..... OK?  This takes a toll on everyone involved.  I guess what keeps me from running away giving up everything to go and work on an island in Borneo at an orangutan orphanage is this....

I know that the sum of my whole does not depend on me having a baby.  That just because someone can reproduce (or spawn) or whatever you want to call it  and I cannot does not make them a better person than me.  Just because my girlfriends are on their 2nd and 3rd babies and have no freggin clue what is going on in my heart-does that mean that god loves them more than me, or that I did something so horribly wrong to deserve this.  And to confirm this, all I need to do is turn on the news (Nancy Grace, or the other chic) or go to walmart and look around at all the people who "deserved" their babies.  Babies/children neglected, abused, abandoned, not loved..... you name it.   I live less than 30 mins from where they found little Caylee Anthony!

So when I get the invites for baby showers that I would have avoided earlier, hell yes I will go.  I am over getting upset at the tabloids for blasting the face of the next who's pregnant.  Go ahead, put the whole world up there but me....because this thing will not get the best of me!  

so good luck to you and it WILL make you feel better to vent....... tell us your whole history here.  We are not here to judge or belittle, and if we are than we have issues and should go to another site.   Hugs and best wishes for your treatment.  

[Michelleinhawaii]

Thanks!  My HCG was 6 this past Monday, hoping for only 2 or 3 more rounds of chemo...then I can start healing.  It's hard to heal when you  are still in the midst of cancer and adversity.  I know there is light at the end of this dark, dark tunnel and I know there is a "plan" for me.  Maybe my "plan" is that I am supposed to adopt? I'm a preschool special ed. teacher and know I would be able to love someone else's child as my own.  I know all of this is making me stronger...it's making all of us stronger!!!  I won't give up until I am a "MOTHER"....some way, some how...I will be a "MOTHER".

[4everwealth]

I just found out there are 8 pregnant women at my place of work. 8!! God knew He was going to bless some women with babies and for some frustrating reason, He didn't bless me.
I'm fed up!!!!

[lost_kitty]

just recently someone said to me: "why dont you take the boys of your boyfriend as your own kids?"

well, 1st off, they rnt living with us, so i get to see them as visiting, 2nd off, i already treat them like they r mine, BUT, it is SO not the same, id like to be pregnant and experience what all the others experience, the pain, the hunger, the kicks, yes even being nausiated, y do i have to take his kids for my own and just get rid of my dream to be a mommy?

i think its much esier for guys to "adopt" someone elses child then for gals, cuz they dont experience the beauty of growing a child inside...

babydust to all of you and this month espacially to me :)

[wanabb]

just thought i should bring this back out... it always makes me feel better

[Nat256]

Thanks for bringing this back out... I haven't seen it before and it just made me feel a heck of a LOT better. My husband says he's understand but he's not the one ready to throw up from taking the fertility meds. and geting sick. My sister-in-law says she understands but she has two kids of her own and I'm faced with the prospect of childlessness and I look like a drug addict because my left arm has so many marks from being stuck with a needle to take blood that I'm ready to scream. Lost_kitty I feel your pain. Seriously. Thanks girl for just letting it out and inviting others to do the same. If this thread doesn't belong here then I don't know what does!

[Nat256]

I just wanted to add that I hate clomid. And guess the freak what is the only medicine that will make me ovulate. GOD I HATE CLOMID! It makes me so sick. It makes my heart beat fast, I sweat, I have hot flashes and am nauseated all of the time and when I get sick I can't eat and then I can't sleep. And then I get jokes about how Witchy I am all of the time. And then I really, really want to just run somebody over with my car, usually my well meaning mother who suggests that I should take some vitamins or something. And if I hear how "hormonal" I am one more time somebody is going to get their a _ _ kicked. Seriously.

[Nat256]

And GiGiGiGi I do the same thing as you. I tell everyone who asks if we are trying to have children that I hate children that I don't want to be burdened by little germ infested monsters. And then I turn right around and I avoid going certain places because I know there are going to be children everywhere and I just get so jealous, especially when I see so many people who really shouldn't have children at all seeing as how they so obviously don't want them. I've told my immediate family we're ttc but that's it.

[nickyc561]

oh at last, a place to vent ... i too feel like a useless piece of barron ****.
"if its meant to be it will be or its proberly not your time" **** that comes out of my mums mouth PISSES ME OFF its ok for her, she had kids. all i want is 1! i am 36 and i am getting old!

so called friends i work with seem to get preg at a drop of a hat. 4 are preg at the mo, ITS NOT PISSING FAIR. they didnt tell me but eveyone else knew. i eventally was told as it was too hard to hide. pathetic.
" you need to relax more" ****! I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO CONCIEVE (conceive) FOR 10 YEARS. ONLT TO get PREG IN NOVEMBER and MISCARRY.  not a word of support came from their lips. thety just dont care .  i hate this, i am fed up with the constant rubbish that i have to deal with. and to top it off I SEE BABIES AND PREG WOMAN AT WORK EVERYDAY. I  work as a nurse on a maternity ward.

[tappy1984]

Thank you for bringing this out!!! It is just what I needed tonight. My DH works nights, so we have to BD before he leaves for work, and tonight it didn't work, so I was ready to throw the towel in and give up. We have been trying for two years in August, and I am TIRED!!! I am a foster mama, so to top it off I get attached to these babies, then have to give them back to parents that don't give a s*** about them, it tears me up! I am tired of working so hard at something that should be so easy. I am tired of hearing supportive comments. I am tired of being a monster, when I used to be so nice. I am tired of stupid people getting what I want. I am tired of trying to figuer out what I did wrong in my life that God would punish me like this. I am tired of knowing that things will work out one way or another, but not be able to tell my heart that. I am TIRED of it all!!!
With that being said, back to temping and vitamins in the morning, and hopefully DH can make a deposit when he gets home.
Best of luck to us all!!! And thank you again for this thread, I feel so much better and not so much like a monster who needs to be locked up!!!!

[nickyc561]

i too am a monster! i used to be a nice person. compassionate and used to happy go lucky. now i get feedback from  work mates that i am a misserable old cow! i am!
i am constantly complaining and moaning and horrible..

all i want is a bloody baby. is it too much to ask? why is it that woman who dont care about thier babies get pregnant so easily, have abortions and the like. its a total slap in my face.. i want to scream at them and say "you ******* *****.
dont you know how lucky you are". i wander what i have done in my life to derserve such a **** thing to happen to me. obviously i cant say that to these woman as it would be a sackable offence. but its how i feel.

i hate the staff at work who are pregnant and just feel like they are rubbing salt into the large wounds.

pain..... it never ends.

Nicky

[nickyc561]

sorry for the typo's my DH is distracting me by moaning as i am on line writing this. he doesnt think i should have any support i suppose!

[mamom15]

Thankyou for bringing up this post -

Yes, everyone thinks that I am a monster, a child hater, because I am jealous.  I am jealous because I cannot concieve (conceive) , I have to shoot myself up with drugs so that my body can create some eggs while every other woman can get pregnant with ease.  Yesterday I saw this new show - 16 and pregnant, another slap in my face.  What a high school teenager can do with out effort, I cannot do even with Medical help.  I hate Chlomid, I hate shots and I hate people who say it is a matter of time and it will soon be my time.  when will it be my time ?  I am tired of waiting, I am tired of hot flashes and sleepless nights, I am tired of bloating and getting shots every evening.  I am tired of not being able to enjoy an evening out with friends for a late dinner.  I ahve to rush home to take shots by acertain time.  Why can I not be like that 16 year old who did not want to have a child but managed to get pregnant.  I am MAD about Casey Anthony and that 38 year old woman in Mass. who left her new born baby ina motel with its umbilical cord attached.  Why is it easy for them when they don't even want a child ?


Thanks for letting me vent.  BOY... that felt good

[homiey]

wow. . .as I read your venting. . .I started to feel better myself as if I was the one who vented because I know what you mean.  Well, maybe not exactly because I don't have a BF who has 2 sons. . .so I can't imagine being the other woman in their lives as well.  But it does annoy me of all this pregnancy talk and how everyone around me is pregnant.  And when I complained to my husband he said something that made me feel better. . .I said to him,  " it feels like everyone around me is pregnant.  I see preg. pple here and there and it is like this outside force, god if you will, is laughing at me saying hahaha everyone else is getting what you want but not you."  My husband then said, "Well, look at it this way. . .we are seeing an abundant array of preg. woman now, especially now that it is spring, and every time you see a preg. woman, just think of it as a sign or foreshadowing of what will happen to you very soon."  I liked that response.  
Try not to worry.  The advice everyone gives to me is to not think about ovulation time. . .just have sex and enjoy it.  Have sex, work on your relationship, enjoy each other whether it is that time or not and sooner or later, you will get pregnant.  
sigh.  My doctor, when I went to her with ovulation questions and period cycle questions said to me, have sex everyday and you are bound to get pregnant.  I havent been TTC that long so I guess this is sound advice for me for now.  And my sex life has certainly been on an uphill slope. . .but we havent been having sex everyday. . .but more often at least and I don't think about when I am ovulating anymore. . .well, that is not entirely true. . ..but I don't chart it etc. . .

[nickyc561]

mmmm, yep. i love that responce kitty. your hubby is really quite a sweetie for saying that xxx

i am late.....

[CMPB]

Thank you for bringing this back out, it really sums up how I have been feeling for a long time.

It does seem that everyone around me is getting pregnant.  My sister has a 15-month old and is 20 weeks pregnant with number two, another friend got pregnant virtually immediately and her husband called my husband to announce it (too afraid to upset me, I guess), another got pregnant after claiming for years she didn't want any kids and when she finally started trying told me it would take ages "because she had massive gynaecological problems".  6 months later she was pregnant.

All of this was hard, but because we recently moved abroad, at least I didn't see them on a day-to-day basis.

Made news friends in my new home town............... 6 months later 3 out of 5 were pregnant!  So now I am confronted with 2 growing bellies (1 of them m/c'd at 12 weeks) on a regular basis.  I was even confiding in one of them about all the tests I had to do, all the prodding and poking, the heartbreak and she was pregnant all that time!

Every month is blighted by dissapointment!  I feel like such a failure and wonder what I have done to deserve this.

I have been so happy with my husband and sometimes I've felt perhaps we've been too happy and this is happening to teach us a lesson.  

But what a hard lesson it is.

[TigerRoo]

Glad that i am not just the only one who feels like this.
Amen to your post!
Same situation my dear...even with feeling left out regarding your boyfriend.
I definitely can relate...and feel angry most of the time know. Must hide it so I dont appear pyscho...but it *****! I wish octomom would share!

[usuk]

i could have used this post a long time ago! what was the point of doing the right thing? i waited to have sex longer than any of my friends. i never had unprotected sex. i went to the doctors every year. no drugs. no smoking. and now i sit next to a woman who had 5 abortions and if 7 mos pregnant. it must not be god, it must be just molecules right? am i going to hell for saying this?

so after i had a false positive last weekend my DH tries to upgrade us to an exit row on a flight for a "break". for 7 hours, every woman on the plane sat in the extra space in front of me changing the baby, playing with the baby, feeding the baby. one dad was even flying the baby over his head in total joy. i know i am sensitive but i mean 5 or 6 babies just being paraded in front of me for 7 hours. finally i just cried and the flight attendant asked if i was okay. i do not know if i will even be sane again.

[darlabubbles]

i'm glad i found this tread. i have so much pent up frustration that i could scream.  i was actually pregnant last year after my first hybrid/iui cycle.  i was carring twins. i had been so over joyed that i told everyone i saw and when i found out that one was in my left tube i was so devistated.  after my emergency surgery i ended up losing the other child.  my heart felt like it was ripped out of my body.  i couldn't even look at a child (and i work at a daycare) for at least a week without breaking down and crying.  i had people tell me that i'll get over it and move on, so insensitive.  everyone grieving period is different and apprently i only had a few days to get over the incident before i had to report back to work.  i didn't even go to my niece's 1st birthday party because it was too soon.  found out a month later that one of the kid's parents at the daycare was having a baby and they weren't even trying.  their son just turned 1.  i've been trying to have children for so long that the joy of doing the bd is all but gone.  it just seems like all work and no play.  if this cycle doesn't work for me i may need to re-evaluate what i'm going to do so i can maintain some sense of sanity!