Bad day - week - year... Think I have just lost all of my faith

[scienceteacher79]

Gosh, I hope when you read this you don't judge me. This is how I feel, I know it will get better but... I have been an emotional wreck since AF finally came. I was so calm before AF came. I had a m/c at the beginning of March and then an emergency D and C the 21st of March because I was bleeding so heavily and stuff was still in there. Well, obviously I cried with the "first" part of the m/c (the natural part) and I didn't cry at all with the D and C - happened too quickly (was in the Er at 5:30 at night and in surgery by 6:45). I felt fine and bled a few days. I was feeling really good up until AF showed finally. I am literally so depressed I just scream at everyone and cry. I told my hubby that I hate my entire life - and I wasn't being dramatic. I just hate it- hate it all. I hate waiting on everybody hand and foot, doing everything, cleaning the house, dealing with schoolwork ALLLLLLLL weekend long, dealing with my collegues (very few do I really like), dealing with conceiving again. I have lost all faith in God especially. I wasn't even that mad at him when we lost the baby - I was just sad at losing the baby.

My hubby said something else to me today and I WENT OFF. I said if God was such a wonderful and loving God then why does he make TTC'ers suffer so badly. Why does he hand perfect babies to crackheads and ******. Why does he feel he needs to "challange" people who try soooooooo hard to be good people, parents, humans? Why does he hate me so much that he will never give me a break.

I never have time to do anything fun - I work from the time I get up til the time I go to bed trying to get everything done in my life. And here I am wanting another baby! Maybe I shouldn't want another baby. Maybe I should become a crackhead or a ***** and mistreat everybody and then I will get a baby - right when I can't take care of one...

I know I am being stupid - but I literally think I have lost all faith in God. Why is he said to be merciful and just and we have people who can't get pregnant or lose multiple babies - people who are good people!! I do believe in God, I have just lost it. I feel so freaking alone. I try so hard in life, so why am I being punished.

By the way, this is not a religious debate, so please do not tell me I am going to hell or anything like that for having no faith right now. There are some people who would liek to think that right now - but I don't need it. I just need to know I am not alone.

[scienceteacher79]

Thank you so much for lifting me up when I am so down. I feel a bit better - my kids at school force me to :) Some friends are trying to plan a weekend to go to another friends cabin so I am hoping that will work out so I can get away! It is ok if it is a bunch of us - though I really just wanna run away by myself. DH and I are better today - we got out alot of what was bothering us - those big fights tend to do that :( So, I guess everything will work out. I hate fighting with him but he is the only tangible thing I can fight with - I realized that today. I can't fight and scream and wanna kill the infrtility becasue it isn't tangible - it isn't touchable. Everyone else is... I just don't know how to cure this feeling. Did I not mourn properly - I mean I was upset but I was dead set on not ousing on what happened and just looking to the future. My hormones must be a freaking wreck too but you know men - they just do not get it! I almost can not control myself. The only good thing about this depression is that I am at least sleeping at night - not long but I am dead to the world.... I wasn't sleeping well after the m/c at all. No bad dreams or anything, just up and down all night.

I don't wanna go to a psychiatrist, they just love to pump you full of pills and until recently I wouldn't even take meds for a headache! Now, I use my Xanax (god bless whoever came up with that!!!) when I feel "crazy". But it makes me drunk feeling and sleepy so it is basically a night time med if needed. Well, I am :craziest" during the day when everything is coming at me all at once.

Ladies, you have been so good to me. I know I will get pregnant. I just don't know when or how...I was fine before I got AF and now _ BAM! NUTSOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! The goo thing is Af was bad for abotu 2 days and now is really light - should be gone by tomorrow night or so. Think that did it? Made me bonkers? It was the worst flow I have had in a while. Ah, heck - I dunno...

[jen023]

earlier this year I went through something similar - my two m/c were a couple years ago, but dealing with infertility just really brought me down... I reallly started to doubt that God was even there - and why was He doing this to me?? But something my DH told me (and shocked me b/c he is not overly religious at all) made all the difference in the world. I told him how I felt bad because of what I was thinking and my doubting - he reminded me that it's OKAY to doubt - it's okay to be mad at God. I mean, God understands our anger - and my pastor told me that God would much rather we be angry at Him than to just forget that He is there. So be angry - it's okay! Some earlier posters said you should just take some time for yourself.. I think that's a great idea... just get away from everything and everybody for a day or so. You really do deserve a break... ((HUGS!!))

[gokuangel]

I am sorry you feel this but just like the girls said you are not alone in this!! i feel that way alot and asked my DH why am i being punished he keeps saying some people can have kids others cannot but me im not convinced i think god is punishing me for all the wrong choices i have made in life. And dont get started on crack-who**** my X DH and i always fought about kids and having them he would tell me i wasnt good enough to be a mom and that i needed to prove i wanted them so i graduated college got a good job and then divorced him and now hes w/a crack-h** who has 2 kids and like i told him she does not deserve them!!i felt like **** when i found out this is who he wound up w/ but i know he will never have a good life in the way that i do now. Keep your head up and lets keep faith that God will bless us all who are TTC!!

[Anya1984]

Please, whatever you do, try not to fight with your loved once...I know how hard it is for you to go through with this, ( I am just starting to go through with that, so I have all that ahead of me...) but your hubby should be the one who should support you and you make sure to tell him that...Be nice to him, guys take fights very badly, I know that from experience...Put yourself on his place, he sees you suffering and it hurts him, so he is aggressive back..but maybe really what he wants is for you to be there with him and don't give up hope....
so try to be understandble to his emotions as well. Also, just remember, since you already have your AF, you are one step closer to another pregnancy!!!! GOOD LUCK and try to move on...!!!

[scienceteacher79]

Once again - i feel so uplifted by all of you girls - still mad as heck at God and everything else but I don't feel so alone anymore. Thank you for that! My hubby was bitching and moaning that I am always on the internet looking things up and am always on this forum. I said "That's becasue they listen and you are too damn busy playing video games and watching TV". So, I am lucky to have you all here... Thank you so much - I am so worried about going home. He did kiss me this morning but it was half
a s s. Oh well, we will see..... we were up so late - I am absolutely exhausted and in no way ready to fight again.... Just tired of shouldering all of the responsibility, you know?

[jenandjon]

I'm sitting here reading these comments and am so thankful for this forum and you ladies who visit here.  I had one of those momenets like ScienceTeacher this weekend too...fortunately I've been able to hold on to my little bean for 10 weeks so far...(2 previous m/c) but by Saturday night I actually was thinking death might be better than continuing through the **** we ladies go through everyday.  I did get through it...past it...and realized some things...

We are the key to the happiness in our lives...I can't get it all done...I'm not the perfect parent...my kids forgive me everyday for the mistakes I make...and most importantly...God is the only one who sees our thoughts and hearts...so regardless of how horrible we feel, what we say or do because of our pain...God knows all...and forgives all...because only he..truly understands....and someday...maybe we will too...and if not...I hope I can have the faith and endurance to trust him to make it right.

Thank you ladies so much for sharing your stories...your thoughts and inspirations....your words of encouragement are truly a gift.....   Thank you all.

[rene67]

I like what Magda brought up about how God doesn't make things happen.  I too have come to think it really is just cause and effect.

I too was angry at God after my 3rd consecutive m/c. During the last pregnancy I prayed (actually begged) God to help me.  So when the 3rd pregnancy ended in m/c, I was literally angry and told my DH that God sucked and I didn't believe in him anymore.  But then I thought...you know what, God doesn't have any control over this, he can't change things.  I'm still very reluctant to pray, go to church, etc. but at least I'm not overwhelmed with anger.

After hearing your problems, I honestly don't feel as bad for myself...yes, 3 m/c and having to go through the whole TTC game again, but I have a good job, a decent place to live, a good DH, still some chance of having a baby.  If you can think of the good things you have, that may help you feel better.  And like others said, maybe slow it down.  Is there anything in your life that you could stop doing?  TTC again with all these demands can be extremely stressful.  If not, at least try to find a bit of time just for yourself, you sound like you really need a break.

[magda_s]

Be careful that you aren't taking too much responsibility for things that aren't in your control.  Whether it's your hormones or just a natural reaction to a horrible situation, the last thing you need is to accept blame for the way you feel.  Frankly, even if you're being unreasonable, the people who love you should be able to accept that one can be a bit unreasonable at times.  And the last thing you need at that point is to be told that you're in the wrong.  A hug might be a more appropriate response.
But it's also true that we can't change the ones we love so even if you're not going to get your hug, just make sure that you give yourself enough credit and understand that it's okay to feel the way you do.  You've been dealt a lousy hand and until you get dealt the next one, you're not going to feel too great.  That's allowed.
I guess my point is that if no one else is giving you a hug, you can at leastt give yourself one... metaphorically that is!  ;-)

[Anya1984]

:(
I am so sorry that you feel this way and I think your hubby should be understandble to your feelings..
My doc said that after d&c, after you lose a baby ( I lose a baby), your body changes in hormons and that gives you all those thoughts and depression..I cried for the 2 days after d&c, and I cried for a week before d&c...I have horrible mood swings and it sux to be my hubby...cuz he is the one I yell at...

I know it is impossible to become calm because of how you feel and hormons, so I really don't know what to tell you. I just do what I do, cry, yell, break things and then, sadly enough, go to stupid work and deal with co-workers....grrrr....I just want to be left alone myself and I want to have that baby...I can't believe that I will have to go through with this again, the whole conceiving thing....So I understand you VERY well....
Plus, I am experiencing horrible cramping today , 2 days after d &c, and I am at work and I feel SO Awefull...

so please try not to give up.
You have all right to be angry at everyone, you are not alone!

[4Angie]

I am also a teacher and this is a very bad time of year!  I am sure it is not just your hormones, it is close to the end of school.  All of my teacher friends and I tend to get very on edge at this time.  We are on a 2 month period!
This does not discount the disappointment, loss, and grief that you have from your m/c and fertility issues.  They are a part too.
I am sorry that you are depressed, but am very empathetic to you.  God is the one we turn to when we are angry!  He hears your pain and has something in store for you.  It may not be what you want, but what you need!  Be patient and STAND STILL!  God hears your cry!  I will say a prayer for you!
Believe me when I say that you are not judged!  You are a human and have the NORMAL and TYPICAL feelings of someone who has been through what you have.  I am sorry and wish I could take your pain away!!!

[tina1111]

I think we have all felt that way at some point. I know in my 20's I really did. It took me a long time to get where I am mentally today. I have a deeper relationship with God after all of the "why me" part of my life. I never wanted to hear what God was saying to me. I only wanted to hear what I was accusing God of and saying to him. I now realize that it isn't my decision to make. It is God's Will. Even though I know I would be a good mother, maybe that is not the path He chose for me. Just because I want to take that path, doesn't make it His Will. I don't know what the answers are and I don't know what path He has chosen for me. Maybe, He will still bless us with a child, maybe not. I have put it all in His hands and will take whatever path He leads me down. I do believe whatever path he takes me, will be the right one. Maybe I am meant to adopt, maybe I am just supposed to be the best aunt and Godmother int he world. Maybe I am just supposed to be here to help others on their journey.

Hormones really go crazy after a mc. I was an emotional wreck for a very long time. I still pull out the u/s pics and look at my son, so full of life. I still take out the baby clothes and cradle them and long for them to be worn. It gets easier, but the moments of sadness are always there. I hope you find the peace and comfort you deserve so much. If I can help in any way, I am here for you. ((hugs))

[scienceteacher79]

I have never felt so understood. Ladies, you are a blessing to me. Hubby and I went at it again last night over the God debate and he just kept saying "You are really messing up saying stuff like that". What if I am messing up saying that stuff? That doesn't make me any less angry at God. I have never been so depressed as I feel right now. I know it will pass but DH and I just about split last night - me being so angry at everyone in my life and he is always getting the brunt of it. I don't mean to hurt him, I love him so much but I am so fed up with everything. I mean - everything.

Like I said - I know it will get better - I just don't know when. Maybe it is my hormones, maybe I have just gone off my rocker, maybe I don't deserve a baby, maybe, maybe, maybe... Who knows - UGH - just going to bawl now...

[magda_s]

I don't know if anything anyone says will actually help right now.  When you feel this bad, it's hard to see anything in a positive light.  and I'm not saying that to judge... I truly understand.  But on the off chance that it might help somewhat...
Many years ago I lost someone I loved very much and I was furious with God. I kept telling everyone there was no God and that I didn't believe in God.  It actually took me quite a while to realise that I did still believe, I just didn't like Him anymore... at all.  There was no sense, there was no justice, there was no mercy...
I eventually got over it many years later when I thought (stupidly as it turned out) that I was dying.  And as the saying goes... "there are no disbelievers in the foxholes".
And then my dad died at the age of 56.  Here was a man who did NOT deserve to die young.  And that made me question so much.  
However, shortly before my dad died, I had read a book... I don't know why I read this book.  It was a tiny book of the self-help variety which I normally won't touch with a ten foot pole.  But it was basically written by a man of God (he was a rabbi but that wasn't the point... the point was only that he was supposed to have faith like steel) whose young son died a very slow death from a horrible disorder.  He argued, in a nutshell that God doesn't make things happen... he doesn't punish or reward... he, in effect, doesn't give babies to crackheads or prevent people like us from having them.  All that is just cause and effect.  There was no more sense in my asking God to let my dad live as there is in my asking him to let this current IVF cycle work.  All I can ask God for is the strength to deal with what comes my way.  I can ask him to help me keep my faith despite my dad dying.  I can ask him to help me find the courage to try again if this IVF cycle fails.  I can ask him to help me appreciate, every day, how lucky I am if I do ever have a baby.
I feel a bit strange saying all this as I'm sure this is not what everyone, or even most, believe and I don't intend to turn this into a religious debate with people trying to convince each other of what they "should" believe.  I'm just sharing what I believe in the hopes that maybe, it just might help you.
other than that, as you clearly already know, it *will* get better.  and I believe that will happen whether you do anything to help things along or not.  But saying that, if you are so fed up with so much, maybe it's time to have a really good long think and maybe see where you can change some things.  If you're not getting the satisfaction you should out of teaching, consider doing something else.  It's well known that teachers have easily transferrable skills.  Or maybe you need to look into other positions in other schools... just to change schools.  And if you feel you're always waiting on everyone hand and foot, perhaps you need to make a stand and change that.  
Would it be silly to say that I wish for you the strength and courage to get past all of this?

[aweeonetolove]

I totally hear you on all those counts.  Life can be darned frustrating.  And those crackheads are certainly a wonder to behold.  On the doubting faith front, I wanted to share one of my favorite poets with you.  He's a Nobel Prize winning Catholic poet who often wrote about his doubt and/or love of God.  I find his doubt inspiring and quite human.  
"Love"
Love means to learn to look at yourself
The way one looks at distant things
For you are only one thing among many.
And whoever sees that way heals his heart,
Without knowing it, from various ills -
A bird and a tree say to him: Friend.

Then he wants to use himself and things
So that they stand in the glow of ripeness.
It doesn't matter whether he knows what he serves:
Who serves best doesn't always understand.
Czelaw Milosz

All the best!

[jjsh44]

Dont feel stupid and you are not alone. Life can be so overwhelming sometimes. We have to cry, scream etc we are only human and are aloud to have these breakdowns and throw ourselves a (what I like to call) pity party, usually it's just me and my dogs at mine! My heart goes out to you as I know how hopeless you must feel not to mention exhausted and frustrated. I hope this is a better week to come. Hang in there.
Lots of love

[nevaeh222]

i completely agree...

[jennyfer976]

I know you feel like you've been dealt a ****** hand, and I think most of the ladies on here can agree and understand exactly how you are feeling. I know I feel that way a lot too.

It really sucks when you can only control so much in this world and the rest you leave to faith---and then when faith is gone what is left? It certainly takes your sanity.

you've got every right to vent right now and its ok to feel angry because you have a very legitimate cause to!

The only thing left to do is believe in yourself. I know you can pull yourself from this and be strong and go on. The way you do so is up to you. There are many options but you make the best call because you know whats best for yourself. For me, I just play the optimisim card over and over, smile and try to enjoy every moment knowing that one day things will work out for me. That however is not the best solution for everyone, so you've gotta figure out what works for you!

If your not happy with life, you've gotta make some changes. You've been such an inspiration to so many of the ladies on this site, we need you to be strong too!

If anything remember those who care for you are counting on you!! --- remember you can count on us too. We are all here for you in this difficult time, crossing our fingers and sending you the best wishes, thoughts, prayers.

If there is one thing I can tell you, it is this: I know in my heart everything is going to work out, maybe in an unexpected way, maybe at the wrong time, but it will in the end be good and that is because I am not going to let anything ruin that for me. Whether I have to keep ttc, or stop ttc and adopt or go another route, i know this is not the end of the journey, and whatever happens i am gonna be ok. .. ... and you will too!!

hang in there xoxoxoxoxo

[mysty2001]

i have two stories for you
one - a lady has a pie - she wants to share it - will she share it with her friends first before others - of course she will she loves them - Jesus loves us and shares his cross with us - what an honor to be trusted with his cross

2. - every time something bad feels like its happening - give it up to the lord - I miscarried in 2004 I was shattered - I recovered and went on and got pg - when I miscarried this year again - it was easier

[desparado]

I so get how you are feeling and want you to know that although I am religious, at times when I'm down, especially when I miscarried I often question God but then I realize that that is the mystery of God. We just never know why he does the things he does. As humans we are supposed to be so intelligent that's why we need answers to everything and I guess that's where faith and trust comes in. I still don't get why ******* , and addicts conceive and people like us aren't able to. But God knows why. I wonder why I had children at a young age for an abusive, deadbeat man and now I'm married to a wonderful man who has no children and I'm not able to have a baby for him. But God knows why. All I know is not being able to have a baby is the most painful thing my heart has ever felt but I have to believe it WILL happen and if it doesn't I must believe that it wasn't God's plan for reasons I might never know.

It's important to vent and to be honest about your feelings I don't believe God punishes us for feeling discouraged, confused and heavy laden. I believe God was instrumental in having you discuss this very difficult issue because it can help others feeling the same way. God uses us to reach others.
I will pray for you when you are weak and discouraged and someone will pray for me when I am weak and discouraged. When you do become pregnant again and have your baby God will be there through that too and  so will I. Take care and get your ticket ready to board the express train to pregnantville!!!!!!!!!!!!

[shayla1]

Let me tell you what I think...I too am an extremely religious Catholic and feel that God has abadoned me...I've been TTC for 2 years..have had 2 m/c...and a stillbirth due to a freak cord accident....Everyday I pray and pray for a miracle...every month I'm let down...I even light candles at church all of the time and I just feel so alone...like "God WHY ARENT YOU hearing my prayers?"
   My mom has always told me this...God only gives you as much as you can handle....he only gives the hardest crosses to those that can truly handle it.  So, like me, if we're having a difficult time now, God must be trying to teach us something...but it's all so confusing to me.
I just want my happy ending and my miracle baby from God...is that too much to ask?!

[lhughes]

Been there, said the same things... hated life just like you... it's bad and I remember it.

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I had a m/c on our first successful pregnancy and ended up seeing a psychologist.  Have you considered going to talk to someone so that you aren't taking it out on people who love you and are suffering in a similar fashion?  Granted hubbies and parents and friends aren't the ones who had to go through losing a baby, but they too are suffering with you.  

Life sure does suck some days and then other days it's so amazing.  Just try to focus on the good days and those that are ahead.  Yes, there are good days ahead.  It's so very hard to see that when such a heavy burden has been placed on your heart.

I'll grieve with you and for you and hope and pray that tomorrow and the next day get better for you.  

[wanting4#1]

I am so very sorry!  I wish that I could be there to give you a hug right now - I know that it wouldn't change anything, but I also know that there are times that I wish someone would just hug me and pat my back and say NOTHING! I wish that I could do that for you now because no words are going to make you feel better.  You are going through a rough time; a time that I have to believe any of us, who practice any faith, have gone through.  Why is God doing this to us? But the thing to realize is that we never know 'why', but we have to believe that there is a reason!

The truth is that God gives us trials and tests all day, every day - some are just harder than others. My job situation is a constant challenge that I have to deal with, as is my house and my in-laws and my husband, really - all for different reasons and with different needs on different days.

This site is for venting and for getting your feelings out on 'paper'!  I just really wanted you to know that I understand and that I am here!

[dnikki0928]

No one here is to judge you... at all.  Having a m/c can be and is devastating, but I'm not going to sit hear and tell you I know exactly how you feel, because we all handle things differently. I think it is completely normal to be sad, mad, discouraged and also feeling like you are losing faith. The way you describe your work status, and the unhappiness with waiting on people (seriously, who wouldn't be), maybe it's God's way of letting you know it's time to slooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwww down and take care of yourself, and(I know it doesn't feel like it right now but...)maybe His way of letting YOU see what all you do have in your life. I don't believe your being punished, nor do I believe any of us are being punished especially in this way.
Have you tried talking to your DH about any of this? Especially taking time out for YOURSELF? I don't know where you are from, but try this:
Go out for a few hours by yourself to a state park, or beach or somewhere beautiful. Take the time to look at everything that is surrounding you. Don't just look but TAKE IT ALL IN. Breathe the fresh air, let go of all of your troubles (in fact, leave them at home). It may or may not help, but I find my peace in nature.
You can't feel alone...especially here. We are ALL here for SUPPORT, ADVICE, REASSURANCE, whether we are the ones giving it, recieving it, or both.

P.S I know what a ***** AF can be, but it's a sign there is another chance....

Please take care, if you need anything even to just vent I'm here.

Nikki

[alikat1205]

i understand it is all just so unfair.