2 Months since loss of son

It was 2 months ago yesterday that I lost my son, 26...I have days where I get by and days where I just can't seem to function...I know his loss has changed me forever.  I try to fight the depression (I'm on meds) and occasional anxiety (on meds for that too), but the images of him lying in bed hooked up to life support one minute, the next minute no
life support and no life in him..just get me going....the images of the last time I saw him alive and well (in August) remain in my mind...the hugs we shared, the "I love you's" and the phone calls after (he lived in Georgia)..remain in my mind...I have pictures here my other son sent for Christmas...I can't bear to look at them...

Going to see about grief counseling...talking about it helps...I know...I just wonder how much longer this will go on like this...like I said, this has changed me forever...I'm not the person I used to be..  I feel a lot of guilt for a number of reasons..

His mother and I (we're divorced) stay in touch and she goes through the same emotions as I but it helps with us talking...

Jim

[jml1986]

First let me say that I am soooo sorry for your loss. I wish someone could tell you how long you will feel like this, but there is just no way to know that because people grieve in different ways. I have never walked in your shoes and with gods grace I hope I never will. I can tell you that my dads death was what knocked me to my knees, and I never thought I would get over it. I know now that you do not get over the loss of a loved one, you just learn to live again. The pain will always be there, but you just become better at coping with it.

If I could give you one piece of advice, it would be to talk. Talk to anyone at anytime as often as you can. You need to feel like he is still with you, and talking about him helps that. Watching other people go on with their lives while you are dying inside is a very difficult thing so you need to do whatever you have to to learn how to exsist in this world again without your son in it.

[Caroline565]

Jim, I too am very sorry for your loss. I don't think there could be anything worse than the loss of a child. I don't even know the words that could convey my sympathy to you under the circumstances. I was recently speaking with a person who lost an eighteen year old son in a car accident. Although it's been several years, she still tears up when she talks about him. I also recall years ago a woman I worked with who lost her son in the war in Vietnam. It broke my heart to listen to her talk about him.

I do know there are support groups out there for parents who have lost children. I think I would make contact with them, perhaps sharing some of the grief with others might help you in some way. They may even be able to suggest some coping skills  that we are unaware of. Jim, I am dealing right now with the death of my husband and I understand when you talk about images. The best we can probably hope for is that perhaps these images are replaced with ones of happier and healthier times. I wish you the best and may God Bless.

[suzi-q]

It is still so raw....and it does take a LOT of time.  Don't try so hard and let your feelings flow.  You need to get it out.  I went to a bereavement support group in my community after the death of my parents. It helped me tremendously. You don't feel so alone...everyone there will understand and share their feeling...I definitely suggest it.

My dad died in his sleep and I remember him laying there and also my mom in the hospital bed...however, I do not dwell on those images.  I want to remember them alive and smiling and full of life.  I remember in a book on grieving that I read, it said that it is not doing your loved one justice by remembering them as they died...they lived a whole life!  Remember the 26 years!  Not the minute of death!  It is not fair to them or you.  This has helped me so much...when those sad disturbing moments come to me, I switch my thinking to a happier time.  I still may cry, but at least it will be a "happier cry" of remembering good times and not those final moments.  Best to you.

[Beargizmo]

Thank you all for your thoughts and comments...I am going to get into a grieving/bereavement group...and try to dwell on the good things...I know I must do that..


Elaine, thank you..you sound like you feel just like I do...I just an hour ago had a brief meltdown...I've been trying to be strong for my wife who recently had surgery and I've been trying to care for her and holding back thoughts of Scott but it all came out about an hour ago..feeling better now..

Thanks all and God Bless

Jim

[wguimb]

I cannot even begin to understand the feelings and pain each of you are feeling.  Loss of one my children would be unimaginable to me.  The only thing I can say is trust in the Lord Jesus Christ to comfort you and give you strength to endure this.  He loves you deeply.  Don't turn away from Him at this critical time. If you don't already have a relationship with God, you might find it to be the most beneficial way to get through this time.

There are some great resources on the internet for helping with grief.  Here are a few I have recommended to family and friends:
http://www.compassionatefriends.org/
http://www.griefshare.org/

God bless you and I will pray that the Lord keeps you in His arms and comforts you.

[Beargizmo]

It's my faith in God, which at times is not as strong as it used to be, that helps tremendously, and knowing that Scott came to know the Lord at the age of 12 or so...he drifted away for a number of years but I talked to a couple of friends who shared Christ with Scott on numerous occasions recently and they believe his faith was renewed and his heart reopened..I trust he's safely with God, waiting for his Dad (and mom) to greet us with his beautiful grin..

Thank you for those websites..I will certainly look them up..

God bless you and thank you again

Jim

[jenmom]

I am so sorry you lost your son. It was 6weeks yesterday that I lost my 20yr old brother.

I'm afraid my parents are going through much of the same. They cry a lot, have trouble sleeping and nightmares. There's nothing really I can say to make it better.

I believe our loved ones are with God waiting for us. They are happy and loved. That's what I hold onto.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Jen

[Beargizmo]

Yes, I believe my son is with our loved ones just waiting for us....it is difficult, fortunately I have a very supportive wife who understands my "moods" and my "meltdowns"....I of course want to hold on to him being happy and loved and believe he is...I missed a lot of his life when he moved to Georgia with his mom though we of course kept in touch and saw each other 3-4 times a year..right now I just have images in my brain of him being in the hospital..though those are slowly going away...

the best to you and your parents...May God Bless you all with peace.

Jim

[Judy246]

Dear Jim,

Your sons passing is still very recent and it is very difficult. As yourself, I will never be the same.  Just Friday, I loss my job, because I can't function at work.  I just can't. I'm not the same person and life is just that...another day passing.

Jim, I'm a lost soul. I look as if I am functioning normally, but I need my mother and I'm struggling with her being buried. I can't stand the fact that my mother is in the ground.

Your son love's you beyond death.  That is a bond that will never be taken away by death. Just like I need my mother.  Your son also needs you too, but he want's the very best for you, so live.  It's going to be difficult, but he, just as myself, would not want to see a parent suffering.  I rather suffer than have my mother suffering for me....you are in my thoughts and prayers. Judy

[shonnasmommie]

Hello i lost mt daughter on jan 3 2010 she also was 26,I have been told by my aunt who lost her son in 1999,that ill never get over it but ill learn to deal with it.My daughter dyed in my arms here at home she had asthma and copd.when she stoped breathing I started c.p.r. while my  husband called ems i knew she was gone but I didnt stop cpr the ems arived we got a pulse and a b.p.we took her to the er we wanted to be sure befor any pronoced her we wated the 24 hrs I had hope that she would wake up after all this wasnt the frist attack but there was no brain act.the ventalater was all that was keeping her heart beating.her father and I have been divorced for most her life and now we are with other partners the 4 of us got togeather and and decided to let her go so i watch her die 2x.....and talking about it dose help i cant look at some photos of her the thing im most glade of Is I was there when she to her frist breath and I was ther when she took her last...the pain stays fresh like ir happen yesterday and i dont know why god took her she was a very good girl never got into trouble and thats hard to do for kids well she wasent a kid but i will never for get my advice to any one DONT HOLD YOUR GRIF IN NO MATER WHAT ANYONE HAS TOLD YOU i did and thay locked me up for a bit she told me once to make sure you say i love you to who ever it is becaus thay could be gon tomarow...my email is ***@**** if any one wats to talk the lose of your child is the hardest lose there will be in all your life thanks for letting me tell my tell