43 year old woman grieving loss of not having children

[carms979]

Hi I am a 43 year old woman who is grieving the loss of not having had my own family.  I otherwise have a good life.  I am thinking how I can contribute to the community and accept my loss without become bitter or anxious over the situation.  I have a large extended family, a good job, interests and a home.  Am thinking of fostering or adopting?

[isis006]

some people say not having children is ok, i guess it is for some.  then some of us have a maternal nature and need to fulfill it. and some of us just have this big gaping hole in our lives that we want to fill with something special and beautiful. i dont know your reasons for not having children or if you were unable to, but i do know that emptiness and wanting to make the world a better place somehow.. i am still hoping for children, im 28, finally got pregnant last year and lost her. until that point i was convinced that my body refused to cooperate and i would never be able to have children. while being denied motherhood made me sad, i knew that i had a good heart and wanted to do something amazing in this world. while i thought about one day adopting, it just doesnt seem to fit with me, although if i did, i would NOT adopt a baby, and heres why.. everyone wants a baby, nobody wants a kid or a teenager, and thats kind of messed up. these kids sit in orphanages with no family, no one to love them. they just sit there and grow up alone. theyre denied something most of us have and take for granted because theyre not babies. a lot of them probably remember their families, but if they were taken from that family, i bet you it wasnt really a family. its not the kids fault they dont have someone to call mom or dad, yet theyre the ones who are punished for it. i guess a baby is desirable because people feel more like theyre their own kids and they get to go through the entire growing process with them, but that would make it more of a possession type thing. if an adoption is truly about love and care and helping and family, more older kids would be adopted and given these cherished gifts only the family bonds can give.. that is why i would adopt a child, not a baby.. but i declined that idea because i want to help as many people as possible. i have seen foster homes neglect children and just do it for the money. i have seen children be abused, live in bug infested homes, not know what a shower is or how to take one. i have watched small town cops tell children they have no rights or protection if their parents hurt them. my family provided evidence to the state of oregon proving a neighborhood boy had been abused by his mother, and it was ignored. this boy provided the key testimony that put his father in prison for molesting his 2 year old sister. upon this mans release, he packed up his family, which included this boy and this girl he molested, and they disappeared. even though the state was informed of this plan by multiple parties, they did not investigate or even check up on this man after his release. children being abused, raped, starved, downright thrown out with the garbage.. i decided that i would rather do what i can to make it better for all of them instead of adopt.. but either one is an excellent idea to help children who deserve a decent life. i hope this helps you to know that not having kids can be ok, and that we can fulfill ourselves in the world in many ways. helping in general is great, so is adopting. the thing to remember is that if we make a difference somehow, someone is going to be grateful and have a better life thanks to our efforts.

[mammo]

My daughter has two friends who adopted, one a little girl from Guatemala, and another a little girl from Russia.  Both are beautiful little girls.

[carms979]

Hi Mammo thanks so much for your encouragement and telling me about your friend's success with adoption - does make me want to pursue it further.  Am a teacher so will have time in the school holidays.  Really appreciated your encouragement.Carms979

[carms979]

Thanks for your comment and encouragement.  Have found that single women can adopt from Russia so am looking into that and into fostering - really appreciated your encouragement  - this is great!

[mammo]

There are many children who would benefit from having a loving mother.  My daughter has a friend who is 40, she got tired of waiting for the "right guy" to come along and adopted a little girl, her life is so fulfilling now.  You have a lot to offer, and I think you should go for it!  It is a lot of work, but worth every bit of it, and so rewarding.  Fostering is hard because they often get returned to their parents, and it would be difficult to see them go.  But if you can handle this, we need good foster parents, and just a small amount of time with someone who is loving and has a positive impact one them, you may change their whole path in life.  Do something involving children, they need people like yourself!  Good luck and take care!

[kay2486]

sorry to hear you have no children, i have two but they are very hard work, and take up all 24 hrs of th day.

if i couldnt have children i would certainly look into fostering or even adopting, there are loads of kids who need a loving home and im sure you'll provide this, this is a long process though if you do decide with any of the fostering or adopting

good luck