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A close companion that got sick with pancreatic cancer and no didn't want any help from me while he was ill. Passed away Feb22,2011 I didn't find out by him but the VA hospitaltold me and I was not down as a emergency contact.
Hello I am coping with the loss of a friend that I have given 4 years of my life to and when he got sick in June 2011 things still seemed pretty fair. However as time progressed when he found out his diagnoses he became distant towards me and I tried to reach out to him. I would call him practically every week. Then it narrowed down because of his behavior and I felt that I was probably putting to much pressure on him. However the nine months since he been sick I was never every able to play a role in his life as far as helping him with things but the more I asked the more I got rejected. I continued to ask because I didn't want to give upon him because I cared he started to say positive things the more I asked can I come over. A little before he passed he said maybe one day I will let you come over and clean up and cook. I wanted to play a part in his life when he was sick but he just wouldn't let me. I wonder still right know what made him react like this towards me. In February he was in the hospital for 6 days. I found out threw the VA he didn't have me down as an emergency contact I wonder why. I went to see him he was in the bathroom changing and a lady friend of his was there to take him home she introduced herself to me and I did the same I had heard of her threw him he used talk about her to me. He asked me how did I find him and I said I called the hospital and gave them your name and he said with a chuckle did you call the police but he went on to say I am getting ready to go home and I will call you when I get there and I just left. However his voice sound real raspy and horse and filled with mucous. He was discharged on February 18 2011. I didn't call him until February28 I didn't get a answer so I thought maybe he had gone back to the hospital. Later on I called the Veterans Affairs and received the disturbing news that he had passed away. I was torn because since the whole time that he was sick I was never able to play a part in his life and he didn't have me down as an emergency contact and I didn't get a chance to even attend his service and I had no way of contacting anybody that was his emergency contact. The Veterans Affairs was the only people that told me that he passed and that he only had one emergency contact down and that was the woman that was there at the hospital to take him home an old lady friend of his named Dottie Grimsley. I felt like I didn't count what do you think his reason was for doing this. I am coping with the lost but it is still a little hard but I know I will get threw this but I miss him so much.
Best Answer
Hi. I know this is all very painful for you, but I don't feel he felt as close to you as you did him. He made this clear not only in his actions, but in making fun of you when you saw him at the hospital and in front of another woman! I think it was demeaning for him to say that maybe he would let you come over and cook or clean?? At first I thought he just didn't want to be around others while sick, but obviously this wasn't the case as he had this other woman, and this is who he chose to share the remainder of his life with. I'm not trying to hurt you more, but I think you need to look at the reality of the whole situation, the more you reached for him...the more he pulled away. He made his choices and you have to accept this. I think he had chosen this other woman to spend the remainder of his life with and he should have been honest and up front with you. He didn't even care or respect you enough to have you as an emergency contact, but you know he had someone. Try to accept that he had choices and he made them, he did what HE wanted. I'm sorry for your loss, but you did nothing wrong and only tried to help. What you got in return for this was ignored and disrespected. I would never try to guess how a dying person thinks, but he did it his way and that's what matters. Try not to question all of this, I think it will just hurt you more. He had his reasons, and I hope you can move on and find happiness.
I agree with what you said and it is difficult for me but I will get threw this. Thank you for the support mammo.
Sweetie, it's a diffucult question to answer, only he knows why. I think you should hold your head high for reaching out to him and letting him know you were always there for him. Trying to second guess "why" he acted as he did will just keep you upset and I'm sure he wouldn't want this. Just trust that he had his reasons, and you respected his wishes, while still being available for him. He did things his way, as a dying person should. Don't take it personally, remember the good times, and what a wonderful friend you were. Now take care of you.
Hello mammo to some degree I felt this way but I also felt that he didn't want me to see him this way the last time we were together was in October and he was taking me to my sisters house and he just dropped me off near a corner store and said i am sorry and I didn't mean it.I felt that it was his sickness that was taking over him like you said you never know how people react that is sick with a devastating disease. But I did feel that it was wrong that I was not included he did that for his own reasons I don't know what they were but I really think he didn't want me to see him suffering because if he didn't care why was he such a good friend to me before his sickness occured. However at the hospital I felt a little uncomfortable because he was in the bathroom talking to me and his old lady friend was there and he asked me those questions and I answered them and he went on to say I will call you when I get home and he died four days later. I didn't find out to the next week. Do you really think he didn't consider me as a friend to him or was it because his sickness.
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