When my mother died in July, we had her wake at Monte Claire Funeral Home in Chicago. It was a beautiful service and I have not been there since. Yesterday, a family friend and aunt ( 49 yrs old) to my eldest niece died from breast cancer that spread. She died in the same hospital and floor as my mother did! My niece just called and told me that he wake will be this Sunday at 2 pm in the same funeral home that my mother was in!
I started to cry. How do I tell my 84 yr. old dad, who loved this girl as if she were his own, that we are going to have to go back to the funeral home and relive every moment again this Sunday.
As many of you know, I did not have one funeral, I had 7 funerals, back, to back, to back within a 6 month period.
Death is part of life, but after all the deaths within my friends and family, I almost had to be hospitalized, because everytime I cried, my throat would swell dangerously. As soon as I started to cry, I felt that disconfort in my throat.
I don't think I can handle this....I don't think I can handle another funeral... I'm weak about this, but it's a family friend again. What are the chances that she died in the same hospital, floor (didn't ask what room) and now the same funeral home as my mom......I just want to die right now....please how do I cope with reliving my mother's wake.
How do I handle if they put her in the same room or spot as my mom? Please how do I handle this. Judy
Oh I know! My brother died and was in the same funeral home as my son. I didn't even think about it at the time. When I was next to my brother's body I saw some pictures and needed to borrow my sister's glasses to look at them. When I bent down to look at the pictures I saw a picture of my beautiful, beautiful son. I fell down a clucted my sisters leg. I practically had to be carried out. I couldn't go to the service the next day.
You might want to consider not going. Grief can eventually cause health problems. I have to make myself not cry anymore about my son becuase I feel my life will already be shortened becasue of the grief. He is in heaven and is tired of me still crying over him. But some days though are still debilitating. I have heard of some people refusing to go to any more funerals.
Good luck with your decision. I'll be thinking about you.
Thank you Henry and for just keeping me in your prayers and Abby for the advise.
I will not be going to the funeral and I am concern what the family might think, but if they have any compassion in their hearts for me, they will remember that I had 7 funerals back to back and going back to that funeral home will literally harm me emotionally. I have relived my mothers death so many times and I am just starting to live again. I am now able to listen to music and sleep well and I have stopped sobbing and crying alot. I am on the road to recovery and this will only set me back to my mothers wake. Thank you abby, I am so very sorry that you lost your brother and your precious son. I understand your grief and loss and we are all here for you and Henry too! Judy
hi judy can i say im so sorry for the loss of you mom my heart goes out to you so much for what you have been through ,..,...im sure this family will understand ,...you have to do this for you and no one else ,if you believe you cant go to this girls funeral well dont go i think you have been through so much now ,... i do recommend you dont go ,
i lost two of my children to suicide 3 years apart from each other ,
my son and my daughter,,....there have been deaths after my children with family's i know very well but i could never go to them ,...they where good enough to understand me ,...
you live again, its good to hear your on the road to recovery dont let anything stand in the way of your recovery ,..the road to recovery will be long and hard but you have started it ,....im sure your friend will know that just like your mom does ,....
my thoughts are with you and well done to you for realizing that this will set you right back if you go ,..you have talking the first step ,.....good luck and best wishes
I can understand you not going, I was not able to attend my grandson's funeral in Dec. '08. He was only eighteen, such a sweet kid, who spent most of his life in hospitals. We lost his dad when he was 9, and he became ill with the same disease that took his dad when he was only 10, not even enough time to come to terms with losing his father. He had his colon removed, but due to complications, spent 3 months in the hospital. He then developed a 38lb Desmoid tumor in his stomach, which had grown around and into his major organs just like his dad. They were able to remove the tumor, but he was dying. With just 10 days left to live, a set of 5 organs came thru for him, he cried. His mom asked what was wrong, and he said he didn't think they would come. Then he started to cry again, asking if we thought the doctors would get them in him in time. He died 4 times during surgery, endured Stage II organ rejection, had to remain in their tiny aprtment for an entire year, with nothing to eat by mouth during that year. He was on TPN, which is where he had to hook up to IV's for nourishment at night while he slept. He persevered, and was doing extremely well as of Nov. '08. He had a smile that lit up a room, and was always making others laugh. To look at him and talk with him, you would never have known all he'd seen in his young life. At the end of November he called me and was really down, missing his dad, wishing he were here to toss a football with him. We spoke for about 40 minutes and made plans to go Christmas shopping the following week. As we were about to hang up he said "I love you grandma", and I replied "I love you too sweetie." He had only one surgery left (he'd had 38 by the age of 16), and this was to remove his colostomy and ileostomy bags. His doctor wanted to wait until after Thanksgiving so that Jeff could enjoy his dinner, as he was not allowed to eat any the previous year. This would allow him time to heal, and graduate with his class last month. But just days after we spoke, he started vomiting blood, both his bags filled with blood, and he passed out. He was rushed to the hospital where he died, he had bled to death. The doctors had no idea as to what had happened and an autopsy was performed. I chose to not hear the results, as I cannot take hearing of anymore of his suffering. I want to remember our laughing together, and his last words to me. His younger brother is unable to sleep in the bedroom they shared, and his sobbings at night wake his mom. He has seen so much, lost his dad and now his only sibling, older brother, and best friend. Jeff was a typical teenager, with plans and dreams for his future, never complainig of all he'd missed, and endured. He will always be "grandma's little angel." I have a picture of him as a toddler sitting on my son's lap, and everytime I look at it I think "together, again". I write to my grandson on his face book page, and on my very first email I wrote "heads up sweetie, your dad just threw the ball...........
I read your story and it just broke my heart. Your grandson was so young and endured so much suffering. He also loss his beloved father at such an early age. 38 surgeries at the age of 18 is beyond what a human can take. I have care for my beautiful mother all my adult life. She was very kind hearted and suffered beyond what a human should take. She had the following: Brain tumor removed, reconstructive surgery on her eye after the tumor left her skull unbalanced. Enlarged heart, Congestive Heart Desease, life long asthmatic, high blook pressure, diabities. I don't remember my mother ever being just simply healthy. I have 3 sister's and one brother and my brother and his wife loss their first baby 5 months after mom died. I am an asthmatic, kidney stone, gall stones, had 3 tumors removed. Unable to have children as a result from the largest tumor in my uterus and I do have my mothers health, but my mother was a very faithful Christian and died as a Christian. After mom died, I was soooo angry with God. I stopped praying and doubted and was just a mess, but I can't overlook how well my mother was taken care of until the very end. I can't overlook that I just so happened to work as a Wedding Coordinator at St. Alphonsus Church, 2 minutes from the hospital where she died and 10 minutes from my home. I was alway available to be with her and the priest would always encourage me and strenghten me when I asked, why did God take my mother in such a horrible way. My mother died in my arms, suffocated, with her face purpleish/blue, because she couldn't breath, I witness and held her as she had her heart attack. I have looked death in the eye as it stole my mothers breath from her. I also remember looking up and praying. I said very distraught, "Father, I believe in you, I have faith in you and I trust in you, please don't let my mother suffer anymore, take her, call her home (sobbing and talking out loud). I told Him, "I've been with her from birth and if your going to take her, let it be in my arms.". I looked down at my dying mother and wispered in her ear, "Mom, I'm here, don't be afraid, I want you to go to the light, don't worry about dad (84 yrs old), I promise to take care of him, the way I took care of you and we will be alright, it's ok to go, go to the light, go find grandma and grandpa." Her mother died when she was only 9 yrs. old and she would cry all the time, because she didn't remember what her mother looked like. With those final words, she had her final heart attack. The CICU drs. rushed in to resusite and I yelled, "DON'T TOUCH HER, just let her go." and she died as I held her. I asked the nurses to remove all the tubes and they made her presentable for the family to view. My fiance and I walked away and when I walked out of the door, we both felt the most amazing light and peace that I have never felt before. We both look at each other and smiled, knowing that mom is gonna be ok. My faith gave me the strenght to endure such events. It has tested me, but yet I stand solid in love and faith for God. Who am I to question the Almight...nobody.
I understand why you feel the way you do, but I pray that you give God another chance at life to lift all the pain and sorrow that this journey called life has given you and bring back the hope that one day in God's time, you will see your precious family again.
Judy, my heart truly goes out to you, you've been through so much! It's so difficult to watch someone who is good and kind suffer the way your mother did. How sweet and sad, that it was in your arms she left, and I do think she was hanging on for you, waiting for you to say it was okay. I didn't get to tell my son good-bye, or hold him one last time, and this just eats away at me. Although he was very ill, his death was unexpected. It was late at night and my daughter-in-law said my son kept following her around the room with his eyes (he was on a resperator). She sat down beside him, and told him it was okay if he wanted to go, and he did. I too became so angry with God, as I have always gone to church and it was my faith that got me thru until my son died. I quit going to church, and my husband understood, but after 2 years I decided that I needed to go for him. I was preapred to argue every point, but this didn't happen, I felt I was home again, and was so happy to be there. We became very involved in the church, volunteering with almost everything. We fed the hungry in our inner city, and at one point I found myself holding the hand of a 22 year old drug addict who was having an infection treated. As I stood there, I was thinking how hard my son fought for just one more day in this world, and how hard this kid was fighting to get out of it, and it was all taking place in the same hospital where my son died. My husband and I take up the collection at our church, which is a very large one. Just prior to the collection everyone prays. I stand there and look around at all the bowed heads and envy each and every one. I have spoken many times to our Senior Pastor about my feelings, and he said "Debbie, you still believe, you have to if you are angry at God." He said very few people (like you and me Judy) have their faith shaken to it's very core, and God understands our anger, questions, and whys? But he also forgives us. I learned that sometimes we feel we need a place to put our anger, sometimes it is the people or person we are closest to, but sometimes it is God. Except for a few at church, nobody knows of how I struggle with this. I do pray with people, I help others, and lead some to Church and a relationship with God. I told my pastor that you truly do not know loneliness until you have questioned God's existence. Because no matter how bad off you are, or alone, there has always been God to talk to and listen. I made sure my children and grandchildren have never known of my feelings, as I feel they need their faith and I truly want them to have it. I still attend church, and try to be the best person I can be, and live a good life. The anniversary of my son's passing is coming up on the 23rd., so this is a difficult time for me, and having just lost my grandson 6 months ago. I went to the doctor with my husband yesterday, who also has many health problems, and his doctor is located in a hospital that sits between the one my son died in, and the one my grandson died in. It saddens me as I look around the room, all the instruments, the sounds, smells, and this was all they knew. I look out the window to where they took their last breaths, and it's so painful. But I need to be there to support my husband who faces serious challenges, and fears also. So, like you I keep going and want to thank you for reaching out to me in an effort to help, you do give me things to think about. You've been there so I know you understand me, I'm happy to have met you. Thank you.
Judy, I also wanted to share something else with you. Two years after losing my son, and one year after my grandson was diagnosed, I almost lost my daughter. It was a weekday about 8:00am, and for some reason I felt I should call my daughter, even knowing that she may not even be at work yet. The receptionist sputtered a bit, and then put the owner of the company on the phone, he said "Kristina's okay, but she's been in an accident." She was living in Osage Beach, MO and on her way to work she was hit head on by a 16 year old girl at 85 MPH. This young girl was dead at the scene. My daughter was trapped in the car for 40 minutes and had to be cut out. I was able to reach her fiancee who only said that she had a broken leg, I told him I was coming there. Her boss sent their corporate jet for me, but I knew I had time to quickly drive home and pack a bag and get back to the small airport in time to meet them. In this time I learned that she was taken by Aircare, which told me this was more than a broken leg. This plane just seemed to be going so slow, my husbands a pilot and we have a small six place, and I guess I just expected more out of this small jet, but it was all about getting to my daughter. My husband was out of town, which always seems to be the case when these things happen, as he has to travel a lot with the company. Her fiancee was supposed to pick me up at the airport, but when we arrived, he was not there. This is when I realized that I had no cash, and there was a taxi waiting right outside. Without hesitation, the pilot gave me $40. and helped me to the cab. When I arrived at the hospital, my daughter was in surgery. The waiting room was packed, and her fiancee spent his time pacing the halls. One by one doctors came out to speak to families, until I was the only one sitting there, and by now I was sure this was more than a broken leg. Finally my name was called to go into the "Quiet Room", a place I've seen too many times in my life, with the doctor. To shorten this, my daughter had a concussion, whiplash, broken shoulder, dis-located shoulder, fractured sternum, most of her ribs were broken, her back was broken, both arms broken, her right femur sheared in half in 2 places, her knee was shattered, 2 plateau tibia fractures, and several broken toes, all on the same leg. I was gone for 5 months to care for her. She ended up back in the hospital twice, once for a collapsed lung, and once for a blood clot. She never complained, and we both worked hard at getting her well. It was a small town, and everyone knew what had happened, and many were telling her to sue the family, but she refused to do this. She would tell them "I saw what my mom went through with losing a child, they've lost their daughter, and have suffered enough." "It was an accident, and no more." I was so proud of her, but so afraid of losing her. She persevered, and on the 1 year anniversary of the accident she sent the parents of the girl that hit her a card. She told them how sorry she was for their loss, and that her thoughts and prayers were with them and their daughter, they wrote a nice note back to her. Today she is healthy (lots of hardware) and is the mother of a 2 year old son. But I worry excessively about her as we live several states from each other. Each phone call still scares me so badly. I know this isn't a healthy way to live, and at times I've made her miserable with my constant worry, but I can't seem to stop. I've lived my life always waiting for the other shoe to drop. This past Fall my daughter had a long talk with me about this, and how it has got to be a miserable way to live! I told her it was, but it was also a learned behavior. She said she hated to see me so worried all the time, that I should be enjoying life, and no amount of worry is going to change what will be. I gave it much thought, and decided to put it in God's hands, it was a freeing experience, I truly felt a heavy weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Not 2 months later, my grandson died. I know that my worrying would not have prevented this from happening, but now I'm back to square one and worry excessively. I need to learn how to let go of her, but I worry so much if one day goes by and I don't get a short email or quick phone call to know she is okay. So, I struggle with many things, while trying to encourage others, guess I'm better at giving advice than taking it! Thanks for listening Judy.
What an amazing story. You have experienced more than what any human being should experience and I truly do understand your anger towards God. I believe He will test the very core of our faith to see how we stand. Your daughter is not only very fortunate, but what an amazing daughter you are blessed with. What courage your daughter had for forgiving and not suing the family of the young deceased girl that caused such a tragedy. Thank God that she survived to tell about it and here you are sharing such a life changing experience with me and I thank you.
I belive that forgiveness is something that is "divine" and it takes a special person to be able to forgive from her heart an soul. How can you possibly forgive someone who caused such a tragedy and the loss of her own life, and the family of the young girl has to live with the memory of the tragedy, what was done to your daughter and there loss.
I respect your strenght and maybe, just maybe God brought us together for a reason.
He is just a prayer away and I feel priviledge to be speaking with you. Thank you.
I do thank God every day for what I have. I know it sounds silly with all my anger, but so many things could have happened to my daughter before they got her out of the car, which I cannot even think about. Someone in the community had pictures of the accident, the thing that saddened my daughter and I both was a picture of the 16 year old girl. It wasn't a close-up, she was slumped over on the passenger side. What saddened us is that she died all alone. Judy I think you are correct, our paths were meant to cross, I find a lot of comfort in talking with you, and appreciate you reaching out to me. You too, have shown great strength, and it is also my privledge to be speaking with you. Sounds like your beautiful mother did a wonderful job with her daughter.
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