Boyfriend is not understanding feelings over loss of ex

Almost 5 years ago my ex (and the father of my two children) committed suicide. My girls were 7 and 8 at the time, and for the most part have handled it well. We were not still together at the time, but it happened the day before we were to appear in court over child support. The younger one is more outward with her feelings, she talks about him and always makes a big deal about his birthday, father's day, and the anniversary of his death. Even though we had our problems, I still get upset on these days, mostly for my kids and what they are going through. The problem is now my current boyfriend is bothered by the fact that we make a big deal out of those days, and now says the picture we have (I only keep one picture of him, and it's just of him) out on the shelf "haunts" the house and keeps him from developing a relationship with my girls. He feels what my ex did was selfish (as do I) and that  having pictures and feelings about this situation is detrimental to us as a family. I'm not sitting here longing to go back in time to have my ex in my life, but I do understand what it feels like to lose a parent (my mom died when I was 1) and the importance of keeping the memories for the kids' sake. I hated hearing my step mother say mean things about my mother, and I hated that we weren't allowed to talk about her or have pictures or anything. My step mother even tried to convince me that my whole family hated me because I named my first child after my mother. Whether or not a parent dies by choice or by accident shouldn't influence how their children feel about them. Am I not being sensitive to my boyfriends feelings, or is he just being unjustly jealous? I feel like he needs to put his feelings aside and put the kids feelings first. They didn't ask for this to happen, so isn't it our obligation to allow them to feel how they want to about it?

[mammo]

I am in total agreement with you.  Your children are a part of this man, and they are partly who they are due to him.  It may appear selfish that he took his own life, but one has to be pretty desperate to commit suicide.  I wouldn't be angry about "how" he died.  My children's father died when they were very young, but I have always had photos of him with the kids hanging in the house.  This is their father, and always will be.  I think your boyfriend is very insecure to be so worried over a deceased man!  I think it's wonderful that your children remember him, and celebrate his life.  If your boyfriend really wants to bond with them, then he needs to build a relationship with them while also keeping their father's memory alive.  He can tell them that he doesn't want to take their father's place, just his space.  If he is a good man and step-father to them, they may grow to think of him as "dad," but nothing will happen while he is feeling threatened by their deceased father.  It's about the kids and what is best for them, and whatever is healthy for them.  I think it's best that they love and respect their father, not feel like it's wrong to care about him.  My husband was not a good man, but I wouldn't have the children I do without him, so he has blessed me in many ways.  You sound like a wonderful mother and are thinking of your children first....good for you!  Your ex obviously has some serious emotional issues and pain, I feel sorry for people who feel suicide is their only hope. He was not in a state of mind in regards as to what was selfish, or best for his kids, he was desperate.  It's sad that he felt the need to do this.  Don't allow your boyfriend to take away your children's memory and love for their dad, they need to have this.  I do wish you all the best, and take care.

[AnnieBrooke]

As long as the photo is not a 14X21 glossy in a big frame hung over the mantle, your boyfriend should relax.

When my dad got remarried, she took down all the pictures of his KIDS in his house.  Not just my mom's photo but all of us.  Talk about a negation.  I finally asked him when I was in my 40s if he would put just one picture of us back up again.  She obviously was insecure, but it hurt to be erased from like that.  Your daughters would rightfully be hurt if they associated the removal of the picture of their dad with the new boyfriend making commands.

People in our lives, whether living or dead, are part of us, all the more if they are our parents.  Nobody should tell us when and where to stop thinking of them.

[sammy184]

People can feel very insecure in relationships when they have to share the people they love with others. If it really means that much to him and his feelings on the matter are very important to you why not make a scrap book for each of the kids with pictures of them and their dad and notes about what they used to do together or what he used to like or call them and other such memories. They could keep this in their room and you could look at it with them from time to time. Or simply put a picture of him in their rooms on a shelf or such? If you have to keep a picture in the living room how about one with the girls and their dad in it. This may make it feel like less of a shrine to your boyfriend.
It's important for your girls to remember fathers day and his birthday and other occasions too. Perhaps They could add a little note to their scrap book each year to remember him by. Making a cake and singing happy birthday may be a little much. Not that this is what you are doing but.. Hope this helps and hope I didnt step on any toes of yours or posters on this site.