Conflict with siblings before and after Mom's death

[valanti]

I feel I need to speak to  someone as I am very sad. My mother whom lived next door to me and I took care of her for 25 years passed away in July 2009. I have two sisters and a brother whom were nowhere in the picture as far as helping care for my mom or helping me in anyway.They would only show up when she went into the hospital and leave after she was discharged leaving me to deal with everything. For the last year I could not leave my mom alone because  she was on oxygen and would panic anytime there was a problem with it.I could see a decline in her the last year and did everything I could for her. She was my life. And though we weren't a close family she only wanted me to take care of her no strangers. She trusted me.I guess I never admitted she was getting worse but during  the last two months of her life I felt so overwhelmed and thought I was losing my mind. I couldn't help her anymore except to put her in Hospice and watch her slowly deteriorate. My sisters and brothers showed up  then but she was not responsive so my brother spent alot of time there and my oldest sister (whom my mom really didn't want her around her when she was better because she only thinks of herself and lies alot) stayed at night and read the bible to her and talked on her cell phone about how rough this was for her. My middle sister only happened to be in town on vacation so she showed up twice at Hospice.I was there everyday and only once did my Mom respond to anyone was when I came in the room and talked to her. My mom was trying to say something but we couldn't understand it. I honestly think she was trying to tell me to get my oldest sister out of there and stop reading her the bible. Ha, Ha. I knew what my mom wanted and I did everything I could to make sure she was well taken care of. At Hospice I overheard my 2 sisters talking about me and the middle one said that in the future when someone askes her how many sisters and brothers she had she was only going to mention the other 2 and not me. Some other hurtful things were also said about me and my husband. Needless to say that now my mom is gone I no longer have a family and that will never change. The way they neglected my mother and never once bother to see how I was doing can not be forgiven. I am deeply saddened by her death. I only have my husband to turn to. I really don't have any friends and because I was taking care of my mom for so long I don't have a job. Now I alone have to go through her things and clean them out. I never knew that grief could be so intense. I feel in despair . I want to be happy again . I want a new life. I want this all to end. Thanks for listening.  

[mersilkee]

I understand what you are going through.  My husband's mother is still alive but she has severe Alzheimer's and my husband's siblings refuse to do the right thing and put her in an Alzheimer's unit.  She has plenty of money and assets to go to a really good facility where the staff brings their children and also specially trained dogs to interact with the patients and the staff is doing the latest therapy for Alzheimer's patients.  Two of his siblings have already tried to put her in a state home when she was competent so they could get a hold of her assets that they will inherit.

His remaining sibling got power of attorney on the pretense that she would look after her mother.  Unfortunately, we discovered this summer that my husband's sister and her daughter are living off the mother's money, are not providing a safe enviroment, have taken out a large cash withdrawal to fix up the house that his sister is supposed to inherit and they refuse to put her in the facility because they don't want to work.

It is very sad and it is unfortunate that the only path left to my husband to help his mother is legal recourse.

[Judy246]

You and I share very similar experiences. Our mother passed away, caretakers with love and sibbilings too busy to pitch in. I feel that it's important right now to just take the time to mourn and heal from the loss of your mother and not worry about sibbling rivalry. It serves no purpose at this time and your mother is resting in peace and wants the family to be in peace also. I did everything for my mother including working. Many times I needed help from family to take turns taking my mother to her appointments, but everyone was too busy and forgot that although I lived with her, I also had the responsibilities of a job. I was blessed to have a job with the Archdiocese of Chicago where they were compassionate and gave me all the time necessary and hold on to my job. My mother was Christian so reading the bible to her was great joy. I also had to put away her cloth and donate them, which was just awful for me. I do recommend that you take time and do it when it feels right for you. As your family, YES, do and will continue to have a full family regardless of what has happened, because although it might not feel like it right now, you must learn to forgive. Forgive for all hurt caused, because bitterness, anger, resentment and grudge serves no purpose in life and you are only hurting yourself, so learn how to forgive, because that is what your mother would want you to do and she is very aware that you divinely were chosen to bare the burden of caretaker with pure love. All the pain, grief and sorrow will subside within it's time, but it will be necessary for you to experience the stages of the grief process in order to heal and it will be very difficult. Right now, take time to just think and heal and everything will fall into place one day at a time.  Judy