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Confused

Hi im new to this so please bare with me.  I lost my mum 3 years ago and didnt grieve for her because i was just too painful.  But at christmas time we had three deaths in our family and that was the trigger for me.  Its been 6 months since i started grieving for her and its awful i have hours of crying for her and just want her back.  Ive started cing a counsellor and she is great but she on holiday this week joys.  I keep getting like guilt emotions about things i did when i was a little girl like when me and my cousin used to play boyfriend  and girlfriend games ie kissing and touching each other and im just wondering why all of a sudden this has come up?  Is it because ive lost my security in life or am i just going mad?  I have spoken to my cousin about it and she laughed which was good but it dosent make me feel any better.  Any advice would be great.  Also i was reading online that at 6 months i should be much better.  Im a bit confused.  Im 30years old and i was 28 when i lost my mum.
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Dear One,
I understand your grief. I started losing Mom, almost four years ago when she had mini strokes and her first bout with pnuemonia (pneumonia). I started going to her town/home every other week for a year. Then less the second year and so on, but when she called and needed me, I was there. I was there her last week, hospital two days and four days in the hospice. Though I was there, though she and I had a bond my brother and sister could not have because of what it entails to take care and also watch someone begin the process of twilight of their life. No matter what, I was down almost six months. We had one funeral at her church, we had the burial two months later in her home town where her ashes were buried with her parents remains. Hard. I called my dad, four months into it and asked if I was a good daughter? I kept my phones on silent and I slept most of the time. My sister has not come to the grieving part, yet. She emerged herself in work and the pain she feels from a chronic illness. My brother travels all over the U.S. giving seminars in the field he is fluent in and has not grieved. They will. They loved mom as much as I did. What I am trying to say, no one has the marked cornered on how to grieve. Besides our spouses and children, moms are the hardest. I chose to go to a grief class, where we grieved all losses, children, suicide, parents, partners. It was good
May you find your way in the dark back to the stable ground and know it is not crazy to mourn at any time for your mom. God bless you and may He wrap His loving arms around you.
zzzmykids
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It sounds like some old issues are bombarding you now.  You've suffered a lot of losses and your mom is one of the worst.  There is no time line on how long to grieve, I lost my son 10 years ago and still grieve for him.  Your cousin laughed at what the two of you did as children, because it was innocent but I think you feel some guilt about it.  You really shouldn't, but it may just be that you are questioning all of yourself right now, which is normal.  When we don't grive it comes back to haunt us as depression or anxiety, so I'm glad you are seeing a therpaist.  Know that what you're feeling is normal, this was a great loss, and you wanted to not have to deal with it, and tried to forget, but we can't do this.  So you are now going thru the grieving process.  You can keep her memory alive by remebering the happy times you shared, and know that she would want you to be happy above all else in your life.  Don't put a time limit on your grieving, it never goes away, just gets easier.  I don't know how or why, just that it does.  You may want to see a psychiatrist to get medication to help you thru this if therapy isn't doing enough.  Your siblings will grieve at some point, they are doing like you did, just not wanting to accept what has happened.  Your mom understands, we all do. When I lost my son I found writing letters to him helped, as putting your feelings down on paper really does help.  I lost both my parents in a car accident when I was 25, and I did the same as you.  No time limit, do what you need to do to get thru this and it will get better, I promise.  My thoughts are with you, take care.
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