I am 18 years old. When I was 3 my dad committed suicide. Sometimes I get so angry and upset about it. Like, I don't understand what was so bad about his life? Was I not good enough? Why would he leave me? Stuff like that. I feel like I don't fit in with the rest of my family and I feel like my mom is trying to make my step dad my dad. He has helped raise me since before dad died, but I still feel like she's trying to replace my dad. It doesn't feel fair. She thinks I should look into grief counseling. Does anyone have advice, or thoughts. Comments, questions, sarcastic remarks?
Hi there! I am so sorry for what you're going through. When someone commits suicide they do so because they are dealing with a lot of demons inside and they see it as their only way out. They become desperate for relief. This has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU AND YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT THIS. It's difficult to understand why someone commits suicide and it's useless trying to learn why at this point...but I am sure he loved you very much in spite of what he did. I'm sure it broke his heart to leave you but you have to realize that he was a very desperate and unhappy man for reasons that nobody knew about. You have to understand that your step-dad isn't trying to take your biological dad's place...just his space. He wants to give you what you missed out on with your real dad, be happy that he wants to be a father to you. Your mother is doing all of this out of love. She feels bad for what happened to you and although it may feel like she is trying to "force" you to accept your step-father as your dad, he is the man who has been there for you all these years and that counts for something. Your mother is right in wanting you to get into grief counseling...she loves you and wants you to be happy. Many parents go into denial at times like this so you are very fortunate to have a mom and step-dad that love you so much and understand. You are every bit a part of your family and it sounds like your mother is doing all she can to make you feel like you are. I was once married to a very abusive man, and he died. My children were very young and never really remember him. Although he was abusive to me and had nothing to do with his children, after he died my youngest son all of a sudden felt sorry for his dad, and it appeared that his death made him a wonderful father in my son's eyes. I let him go through this and he eventually got over it in realizing that he would have been the same man had he lived. Please know that your dad's suicide had nothing to do with you, and although it makes you angry be grateful to the man who stepped in to help raise you. He's not the enemy, and I think your mom just wants you to feel like he is your dad so that you can have the relationship most daughters enjoy with their father. You really never knew your real father, so appreciate that your step-dad has tried to fill those shoes for YOU. I think grief counseling would be good for you, you have a lot of anger in you over all of this and therapy will help you to work through that anger so you are no longer held hostage by it. Think about all of this, and keep a journal, writing down all your thoughts and feelings even if you just toss them away. Doing this is very therapeutic for us as it's a form of release. We don't always understand and life can seem unfair, but you have to appreciate the good that is in your life. I hope this helps, and I wish you all the very best.
It is okay to feel the way you are feeling. You were too young to deal with your dads suicide and now you are and it is okay. Just because you are struggling with your dads suicide I did not see any where in your post that you said that you do not love and respect your step father which leads me to believe that you do care for him, but you just don't know how to do both things at the same time. Of course you feel like you don't fit in and of course you feel like your mom is pushing you to accept your step father as your only dad, but that is not reality for you right now. Grief councelling can help you understand and deal with many things, but what it won't do is tell you why your real father killed himself. Why? Because no one knows why some people choose to committ suicide and why others don't. In my family we have lost 17 people to suicide and although we will never truly know what caused them to do that, we do know that for our family there is a genetic connection. However not ever suicide is like my families. I will agree that some people fight demons within themselves that will cause them to take their own life while others such as in my family it is not a demon it is a depression that is caused by a gene within them that causes them to do it. That being said even knowing why my family members do tend to committ suicide still does not stop us from asking why! So, maybe your mom is right. Maybe you should seek grief counselling. It may not give you all the anwsers you are hoping for, but maybe it will help you understand that suicide is and never will be a question with an answer but you can accept it and you can continue to grow and love the people around you without feeling they are trying to take your dads place in your life.
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