Extended grief over loss of parents I never had

I am an only child born late in life to two older parents. My mother was a homemaker and a major, verbally abusive, falling down acoholic from the time I was a toddler. She also had a serious mood disorder, which I suspect was boderline. When drunk she constantly berated me,and often when got home from school she was passed out. I have memories of her sending me several blocks away across streets at age 5 to pick up a bottle for her from the store.

My father took care of us and remained in the home, but never took me out of the situation.  He just sort of put up with it all. In my early 20s my mom stopped drinking and we had somewhat of a relationship. I somehow knew she loved me and I loved her and I thought I had wrked through my childhood issues in therapy and ACA workshops.  When she died in 2000,  I  fell apart, and developed serious alcoholism. I went to treatment and recovered but continued to misuse things like xanac and provigil.  I was responsible for overseeing my dad's care until he passed at age 90 last year. I hired help but spent weekend there with him. After his death my depression worsened and it is hard to go on. I am not relieved of the stress but more in pain than when I went through it. is this PTSD? is there hope? I have only distant family now and even though I never felt loved, I am worse now. Ironic.

Grief is a complicated issue.  Thanks for listening and feel free to share/comment if you so desire.

[Judy246]

It is not your fault that your home environment was dysfunctional and abuse and it's very important that you forgive both your parents for there trespasses against you. I feel that it was beyond your ability to help your mom and she had issues that caused her to turn to alcohol instead of counseling and unfortunately. She was ill. Not only with alcohol, but emotionally and it's very important to forgive her. Forgiveness is a gift. It's divine and not everyone can forgive, but we learn, because we want their souls to be in peace, so you must look deep in your heart and be a better person for it. Forgive her, her transpasses, as God will forgive ours.  Also, you have experience the destruction of alcoholizm and how it can destroy families, so it's important to no repeat the past, but look towards the future with hope and a better life and become a better person. If you feel you will need counseling to get past the childhood traumas, it's ok to seek help, but turning to alcohol only continues the dysfunction, which you should want to break. Seek counseling if need be, do not repeat your past, make your parents proud by being a good, productive person and move forward with your life. Life is what you make it, so go out there and honor your parents with forgiveness and become a good, productive person. Good Luck and my deepest condolences on the passing of your parents, I understand and have experience your pain. Judy...p.s. my father was an alcoholic too and is 84yrs and I have forgivin him and he is doing good although we did lose my mother in 07. Judy