Father commited suicide, Husband just died, How do I keep going?
Wow, where do I begin? I guess the best place is the beginning, but I might have to jump around a little. My dad commited suicide almost 6 years ago, which completely crushed me. I was very close to him and didn't know what I would do without him. I even attempted suicide myself a few months later, but was unsuccessful. At that time, the thing that really kept me going was the idea that I would one day meet someone, fall in love, get married and have a family of my own. That was one of my biggest goals in life, and it really was what kept me going. And it actually happened. The day before the second anniversary of my dad's passing I met the most wonderful man. We met online and spent the next three days and nights talking on the phone almost nonstop. He really was the One for me. We were perfect for each other and we fell in love right away. Since we lived on opposite sides of the country seeing each other wasn't very easy, but after these three days he flew down to me and a month later we moved back to his house. We got married 5 months later. And had 2 kids in the 3 years that we have been married. I won't go into too many details, but here is what brings me here now. About a month ago I woke up to find my husband has passed. It was the day before his 35th birthday and was completely devastating. We still don't know exactly what happened to him. And now I really don't know what to do. I am back where I was after my father passed away, but I think it is even worse. Even though I have the two kids that I know I need to live for, I feel like I won't be able to keep going much longer. He was everything to me, we did everything together, made all decisions together and everything. We had soooo many plans for the future. And now everything is gone. Everyone tells me that I am still young, even his family and I guess they are implying that I will or I should try to find someone else or something. I don't even know how to say it here because I don't understand what they want from me. I really only loved him and always will. Even though he wasn't my first, I want him to be and he will be my last. I can't even imagine anyone else next to me, and I'm sure no matter how much time passes, this feeling will not change. Anyways, I will try to sum up my problem/question. I know the kids need me and everything, but I really feel like I have to go and be with him. I can't be here and do all these everyday things without him. I just can't. I have a list of some things that I have to do before I go, but otherwise I really want to end it all. Thinking about the fact that I don't have too much longer to suffer is the only thing that helps me keep going from day to day. I don't know if i'll be able to go longer than a year or so.
Think of your children. You'll never get to see them start school (if they're as young as I'm thinking). You'll never get to help them get ready for prom. You'll never see them graduate. You'll never see them attend and finish college. You'll never get to see them get married and start families of their own. And they will be painfully aware of the fact both their parents aren't there. There is also the chance they may feel anger because you couldn't keep going to be there for them. They might not ever know you love them or, if they hear it, they may not believe it.
And who knows what life will be like for them if you do kill yourself. They could end up in a far worse situation.
Your husband surely would have wanted you to continue to live and find happiness again without him and to be the mother your children deserve.
Life has to continue. It may be incredibly hard and bad now, but things will get better. Seek some help. Find someone to talk to. It's not weak. It takes a lot more courage and strength to admit you need help and seek it. It will, at the very least, show your children you care. Please, please do it. You and your children deserve it. All of you deserve to continue life happy and together.
You need to seek professional help so you can cope with your loss and be there for your children. As devastated as you are, think of how your children will feel losing both parents? Your husband would be very disappointed if you left the children alone without either parent. This is not the life he invisioned for you and his children, and he's counting on you to carry on. I know it's hard, I lost a husband, son and grandson but we have to think of those who love us and need us. It will get better just like it did with your father. You know how you felt losing your father, think of how your children will feel to lose both parents and don't do that to them, they deserve better than this. They are helpless and scared, please do all you can to make the best life possible for them. They will only know their father through you, so keep his memory alive and let your children know what a wonderful man their father was. Raise them to be kind and honorable adults which will be a wonderful tribute to their father and you. Look at them....your husband lives on in each of them. I know how tough life can be, but we have to carry on for those depending on us. Don't hurt your children anymore than they have been with the loss of their father. Seek help so you can remain a family that nothing can tear apart, you all deserve to be happy, make it happen. We're always here for you to talk or just vent, so feel free to do this. Stay strong, this is what your husband wants.
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