How will I cope without my mum

I lost my mum a couple of years ago on the 21st December when I was 20 years old.
She was 57 and had nothing wrong with her and when she passed they said it was from natural causes.
My mum was never afraid of dying, she had lots of talks with me and my sister about it and I knew 100% she was going to be ok when the time came for her to move on but she was 57 and had nothing wrong with her so I usually said to her we dont need to talk about this because your going to live a long time yet but something inside her told her different. In these talks she always said she was never going to see her grand children and I always said she would, I just want her to give me a cuddle.
The same day she passed away my dad had told me to stay with her because she wasnt feeling very well. Later that day I asked my mum if she was feeling ok so I could go into town to get her a last Christmas present and she said yes. After getting her present I get on the bus to come home, I had bad thoughts on the way back that soemthing terrible had happend but I thought I was just being silly. I got home to find the lights were not on in the front room when they always are at night, I knew something was so worng. I got in to find my sister on the phone to 999, I heard her say that mum had fallen and she wasnt breathing. I rang my dad who was at work and told him through the tears what had happened, I blamed it all on me. If only I had stayed there might of been somehting that I could have done. I was outside at this point and instead of staying with my sister who needed me, I ran and kept running. I didnt know what to do, my world had just fallen apart.
Now every Christmas that goes past is never the same, I dont even enjoy it any more. It is going to be hard as I am getting married next year and its hard knowing my mum who I was so close to is not going to be there, not going to come and pick my dress as mums , not going to be there to help me, its hard knowing she is not going to be there to see her grandchild either. I dont want to do any of this without her.
Please can anyone help me.

[Lisi251]

So sorry about the loss of your precious mother.I know its so hard. I to lost my
mom 3 years ago & I know I will never be the same again.Christmas is so very hard
I know but look to God & he will get you through one day at a time.
Dont blame yourself,I think we are all left here thinking "if I had only did this",or would of done that,and it only makes it worse.
I am sure your mother would not want you to feel that way.On the day you pick out your dress & get married know that your mother is there you may not be able to see her with your eyes but she is there.
I will be here if you need someone to talk to.
God Bless You

Lisa

[caz62]

I lost my mum last July she was only 49 years and she too died suddenly and was perfectly healthy. The last year has been a nightmare I am due to give birth next month this will be the first grandchild for my mum and dad and my mum couldn't wait to be a gran it breaks my heart that she will never meet my baby. I try to keep strong  by knowing my mum would want me and my sisters to be happy and have good lives. Although this is easier said than done I feel robbed of my mum as she was so young when she died and I think about her constantly. This should be the happiest time of my life but I'm so aware of her not being here to enjoy this time which also makes it one of the hardest times of my life. Try and keep strong.

Caz

[SassyLassie]

Sending big hugs to you for comfort.

My beloved mother went to be with the Lord 4 and a half years ago, and it seems like yesterday. To me, nothing seems the same even after that many years. I cry at times cause I miss her so much. We were best friends and I STILL feel disconnected. I know my dad misses her terribly, they were married 60 years

I understand the guilt too, on the night she died, the nurse asked me if I wanted to stay in the room and sleep, well, I said I was going to my motel room for awhile, I was so tired, I really did not believe she would die that night either. Well, I got to my room and not even an hour passed when the phone rang and the nurse told me she had died. To this day, I feel horrid and wicked.

She had been sick with heart disease and other circulation problems for 10 years prior and was in and out of hospitals all that time, I never left her side, dad stayed at home taking care of the pets and house, we had just moved in and that night she woke me saying she was dying.

So, please know you are not alone in your feelings, you have gotten some very caring replies and folks do care. I know when Christmas comes it is very hard for me too, it was her most favorite time of year, she was the spirit of Christmas itself, so, I celebrate it in her honor.

We are here if you need folks to talk to.

Big hugs to you
Susie

[Judy246]

Hi Amy, first, my very deepest condolences on the passing of your beloved mom. As I read your post, we have so much in common. As yourself, my mother passed away (July 19, 2007) from Congestive Heart Failure and diabetes and my family and I though she was going to make it. The doctors told us she was going to be fine and she died in my arms unable to breath. As yourself, my mom and I talked about death all the time.  She was not afraid of death and I'm not afraid to die. She even made jokes, but I never wanted to accepted that my mother is gone!  I will never, never be the same. I will never accept that my mom is dead. I visited her grave today, sat on the grown real close and just imagine what she looks like in there and how I wish I was cuddled next to her.

Amy, there are things that we just can't control and it is not your fault that your mom passed when you were not there. Your sister was there, so please don't torment yourself, because our mothers want only what is best for us and would never permit anyone or anyting to hurt us and this torment within is hurting you and she does not want you to continue reliving that moment. She want you to have a good full life and move forward, make her proud by living the values she instilled in you.

As yourself, holidays are sooo hard. My mother's birthday is Thanksgiving and it's sooo hard for me not to have mom with us and her birthday at the same time, but the family will get together and give God thanks for my mother and the food he will gift us with.

I am so engage and the thought of not having my mother in the church simply breaks my heart and I'm crying right now just thinking about her and she won't see me in a brides dress. She would have been so proud. My brother married and a week later she died. It breaks my heart that she became a brand new grandma to her only son's first child. Mom's name is Cathy and the baby is Caitlyn (2 mth old) and she has brought joy to a house that had nothing but death for a while. Amy, I had "7" death's within a 8 months! It brought us to our knees. I don't want to live without my mom. I don't know how!  I exist and I'm alive, but I'm a broken person and I wish I was dead with her, but it's not meant to be.   I know your pain, because I walk your shoes and I am here to support you if you just want to talk. I know and feel your pain and it's going to be alright...one day at a time.   Judy

[Judy246]

I invite you to see why my heart will eternally be broken by clicking on my name "Judy246" and see a picture of my mom 2 wks before she died, her grave and the new baby. God bless, Judy

[amys2009]

Thank you so much for your replies.
JUDY246, It brought me to tears just thinking what you have been through in your life and no one deserves that. I also have photos on my profile of my mum from when we were younger and my mum on her 50th birthday. Sometimes I just cant seem to stop thinking about everything that happened, like she went to the doctors that morning and the doctor said she was fine, she even had an ECG (detects hearts patterns) and nothing showed up. I just dont understand why these things happen to good people but all I can think about is that she will be there at my wedding looking down on me wishing she was here with me.......I just wish she was.
SASSYLASSIE, Thank you for making me see Christmas in a different light, we should all be celebrating her life, its just hard to forget, It always feels like it was only yesterday.
LISI251, Thank you for your kind words. I went for my dress and it was still so hard knowing she wasnt physically there for me to see the look on her face and for her to tell me how proud and beautiful I was and I now know the wedding itself is going to be so hard and I know my dad will mention it in his speech and Im just going to break down, Its going to be hard enough.
CAZ62, I know exactly what you mean, I feel the same about my wedding, its easy for me to say she will be looking down on me but I wont be getting the cuddles that I desperately need. I will be so aware of her not being there and Im just going to be heart broken, its going to be hard. As for you and your baby, im sounds like you have a really strong support network, the father of your baby, your father and the rest of your family. I know it doesnt make it any easier because you know she will not be there but all I can say is stay strong for your baby, its what you mum would want! She will be thinking what a great parent you are, what a great daughter she has raised...x

[hope86]

  Hi Amy, I'm sorry for your loss. I'm 22 years old and I lost my mom a little over 2 months ago to lung cancer. She was about to turn 61. You're not feeling guilty because you weren't there, trust me you'd feel the guilt regardless of how things unfolded. My mom died in my arms, I was there until her last breath but I feel an enormous amount of guilt. I felt like I could have done more...spent more time with her, cooked for her more, took walks with her more often, emailed her more often, taken her to a better doctor, told her i loved her, hugged her... just hundreds of things! In my heart though, I know she doesn't hold a grudge against me, and neither does your mom because you weren't there. There was just no way you could have known.
  I know how you feel, I always think how she's not going to see me get married, have children and even small insignificant things. Like when something really funny happens I always think to myself " I wish I could share this with my mom"... and when something happens at work I wish I could just share it with her. It feels like I have noone to talk to, because noone would listen to me like she used to. I don't want to do anything without her either, I feel like everything's pointless and life has lost it's meaning. I feel like my world is shattered and everytime I try to pick up the pieces I stumble and have to start over.
  To get through the day, I tell myself that she's in a better place, watching over our family and wishing that I find my peace. And everyday I get closer to seeing her again.
  Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you, caz62, sassy lassie and judy246 find the strength to cope with your losses and find joy in your lives once more.

[amys2009]

Thank you for sharing your story with me. I know it is very hard to remember and share your story with other people....bringing everything back up like it was yesturday, it is very hard.
You did everything you could and your mom will of known that, its what moms do best, they know what their daughter is thinking and feeling. It still doesnt stop us from wanting them back and never will. Do you have family you can turn to? A partner? A father?
Recently I have come to terms with that it was not my fault and there was most proberly nothing I could of done but it stil, does not stop you from thinking....what if!
My mum knew everythin about me, she would always know if something was wrong so she would of known that I loved her so, so much and no one will replace her.....I just long for that cuddle that I need every now and then when Im feeling down.
Thank you for everyone that has helped me, I need to look to the future now but knowing my mum will always be there with me is a great comfort....I love you mum xxx

[TimHBoston]

I am so sorry for your loss and understand your pain. It was not your fault that you were not there, do not ever think that. I lost my mum around Christmas too and it is so very hard. I will say a prayer for you.

[Cubanmulatta]

I can relate to this.  I lost my mother 3 years ago due to cancer.  I'm still not over it or ever will be over it. My mother had me when she was 31 and I was 31 when she passed away.  She was very big on the holidays.  Always so full of joy decorating and cooking.  I still look at the pictures of the last christmas bash she had. The worse part is that I've been trying to conceive and having problems which has been very devasting.  It's really hard losing someone so close to you like a mother and not being able to start a family of your own.  I'm no big on the holidays because all it does is bring sadness.  Because I don't enjoy it anymore. I'm always sad and cranky. I'm much more relieved when it's all over.

[Judy246]

I wonder if my mother is ok. I know she is dead, but her soul? Where is she? She was a devout Christian and had the most amazing faith in God and was a perfect example of what a good mother should be and what a Christian should be, but I find no comfort. I want to know is my mother ok? How do I know for sure that I will see her again? I have to believe, have faith and trust in God and in the hope for the ressurection through Jesus Christ or life will have no purpose or meaning. There isn't one night that I don't wake up thinking of my beautiful mom and I call her at night....no answer or sign. Sometimes, I think I'm making myself crazy, but I don't know how to live without my mother. I feel like an orphan or small lost child looking for her mother. Death has speared my heart forever and I will never get over losing my mom.  Judy

[Beargizmo]

oh, how many times I wonder the same about my son, Judy....I used to take him to chuch with me when I was more active and he was Baptised at around 11 (we are/were Baptists) and one of his friends told me at the funeral that he had been spending considerable time the last few months in Bible study with Scott and Scott was more and more interested..I trust we'll all be gathered around that table eating my grandmother's fried chicken....

But I dream of him frequently and one night I swear I heard him call out to me...but like you my heart has been speared....

God Bless you Judy


Jim

[specialmom]

Death brings about so many emotions-----  and so many of us feel the same way.  Amy, I am sorry for the loss of our mom.  Mine was 52 years old and healthy as well and I was 29.  I am now in my 40's.  It gets better in some ways as the lump in my throat isn't present at all times anymore.  But I have a new sadness about how long it has been.  I like you have some "what if I had done this, what have I had done that" questions and guilt surrounding them.  Bottom line-----   you and I would have done whatever we needed to do to save our moms-----  we just had no idea.  In one of my coherent moments as she was dying, I said through tears that I wanted to switch places with my mom------  she shook her head vigorously.  She was on life support and dying but was always a mom first.  And your mom would have been first.  You know they would never trade places with us!!!

And a great minister gave a sermon one time that really moved me.  He was talking about missing his own mom who had passed.  He said that as much as he missed her, he knew that in heaven-----  she would now say she wanted to be right where she was.  So I hold onto my belief that heaven is wonderful and my mom is there waiting for me.  In my mind-----   I have a kind of child like view of heaven----  a perfect world full of flowers, happiness and love.  
Now-----  I will say that I've been plagued with nightmares at times.  My mom is the center of them-----  she is either dying all over again and I'm trying to save her or she is alive and has been hiding from me all this time and NOW she is really dying after I find her and other things along those lines.  I think it is just my tortured soul taking out this trajedy during my sleep.  I hope you don't have any of those.

Since my mom has passed so long ago----  I've gone through meeting my husband, marriage and having kids without her.  It IS painful.  But I  knew her so well.  I know what she would say or do during those times and I could almost hear her voice and picture her with me.  On her birthday, we try to celebrate her.  I have but a couple pictures of her ----  so I show my boys those and tell them all about their grandma.   Will I ever stop  hurting from missing her?  I don't know.  

This wasn't the post I intended to leave-----  I guess I got lost in my own feelings.  I am very sorry.  I just wanted to say that Amy, I feel for you and all the rest as well.  I have friends that have no idea of the pain people like us carry inside.  Those lucky dogs.  So I just wanted to offer support to all hurting over their loss.  Take care and happy new year.

[Judy246]

I'm very grateful to this website and the support we get here. I can express what I can't to family and friends and I appreciate that there is always someone to just listen, not judge and think I'm going nuts or express a kind word during the most difficult, life changing event as losing someone we loved.

p.s. "thanks Jim"...I knew you would understand.  Hugs, Judy

[amys2009]

To JimHBoston.........Thank you for you prayer Jim. I can never seem to shake the feeling that I could of done something if I had been there but these are questions I will never get an enaser to.
To Cubanmulatta...............I can totally relate to you about not liking the holidays. How can we be happy when something so tragic has happened to us around the same time. Aswell as having a baby and getting married, these are things I wanted mymum to be part of, I wanted to hear her advice, I wanted then cuddles she would give me when I am down......I miss her so much.
To specialmom...........Thank you for sharing your story with me, I understand how hard it is for all of us to go through that moment again. I do not have nightmares anymore, initially after my mum passed away I had nightmares for months and there were very upsetting. I feel I need my mum all the time but more so now when I am going through all these new changes in my life.....getting married, trying for a baby, buying a house.......I just wanted my mum to experience all these with me. I remember before she passed she said to me "Im never going to see my grand children am I?" and I said "Of course you are dont be silly"....If only I had known what I know now but there was no way that she would of known that she wouldnt see her grand children as her passing happened so suddenly.

I do feel lonely without my mum, I feel I have lost a big part of myself and I feel so selfish saying I need her in these times of my life because I always need her not just now but always!
I cant seem to explain my feelings very well as I can think it and its perfectly clear but when I try to type the words just seem to jumble up.

I will say a prayer for eveyone that has ever lost a family member or close friend x

[Cubanmulatta]

I pray everyday that before I die I want to meet my grandchildren.

[Judy246]

I look forward to the end of my lifespan, because all I want is to be reunited with my mother.

[ANNABOL]

MY MOM DIED WO WEEKS AGO MY HEART IS BROKEN HOW DO I DEAL WITH IT