I cannot cope with losing my mom

My mom suddenly and unexpectedly died 2 weeks ago It has been a horrible couple of weeks. I am extremely worried about my dad and how he will cope. He keeps saying he is ok but I know better than that because we are having the worst days of out lives. We have a great support system of friends, however, all I want is my mom to be back. She had not been ill and stopped talking and just died. I never expected to be so young (I am a college student) and going through this. I know it is not easy at any age but I just though we would have more time. People have told me I need to learn to work through the pain but I do not think that can be done. The funeal arrangements and the funeral itself were very overwhelming...almost 350 people were at the funeral...and I know all those people were there for support but very few of them understand the pain we are feeling of losing my mom so suddenly and unexpected.

[Judy246]

Hi abby, my very deepest condolences to you and your family on the passing of your mom. It's sooo recent Abby. I know exactly what you are going thru, because my mom died July 07, and there are no words to describe the hell that me and my family have been thru. I wanted to die and be with her. I have my dad who is 84 yrs. and I will be going thru this all over again.  They were married 54 yrs. and it broke my heart to hear my dad say, "I'm destroyed".

Abby in order for you and your family to heal, you will have to experience the grief process and it is very difficult. You will have good days and you will have horrible days.
But, God will give you the strenght to be a survivor. This is a life changing event and you will never be the same person. Very difficult days ahead. I lost my job, because I couldn't function. It you need to take some quite time to reflect, do so.  I held my mom as she died and I told her it was ok to go, not to be afraid and I promised I would take care of dad....all this is still surreal.  Just remember that you are an extension of your mom and she would never want you her little girl or your family to suffer. That would be the last thing your mom would want. Whenever you feel sad, just take a good look in the mirror and see her eyes, hair, skin, lips, nose,...your mom  will live within you!  and remember to celebrate her life and honor her memory by being a good person and simply "live"...live a full, productive, happy life and make her proud.

Only someone who has loss a loved one can understand your pain...I loss my mom, so I know exactly what you went thru and I am her for you whenever you just want to talk.  
Death is raw and there is no way around this one, it's unmerciful and painful, but it helps to talk with people who do understand....God bless...Judy

[newportttttttt]

Its rough no one should have to go through this I just lost my father yesterday...Im sorry you had to go through this, my dad passed at 49 years old and now I have to take care of my mom and two younger brothers...Everybody tells me I need to move on and focus on the future but Im only 21 years old and I have to go the rest of my life without a father...You have to try to look past this and give yourself another chance...Your mom loves you and wouldnt want you to dwell on her early departure, live your life to the fullest...Youll be in my prayers...

[Judy246]

I also wanted to tell you both Abby & Newport that you do have a mother and Neport you do have a father. They will always be your parents and you also have God the Father and Abby you also have the Blessed Mother Mary who you can turn to as a mother and will help you throughs, but this will be the most painful journey we will and have experienced...life changing.

The worst feeling for me was that I felt like a motherless child...an orphan and I found myself calling out for my "mommy"...like a small child. It's the first time in my life the I could relate with people who were put up for adoption, abandoned and felt the loneliness of not having a mother, but reality said....you do have a mother, she gave birth to you and will always be an extention of her.....thanks for just listening. Judy

[abby51]

Thanks for your replies.

Newport, I have also heard from people you need to move on and live life to the fullest, however, that is easier said than done. You will find that it is difficult to live life to the fullest while grieving.

I know eventually I will feel happier and less pain but it is, as Judy has said, a very painful and life changing event. My mom died suddenly in the matter of a few seconds due to what is considered a work related injury. I am thankful she did not suffer as she did not even know what was happening and am also thankful we did not have to watch her suffer. My final memories of my mom are not of watching her suffer.

There are many friends who have been very supportive from the very beginning of this nightmare and for them I will always be thankful. I also will always be thankful for my dad and brother (I was before this happened, too) and I think it has already brought us closer.

Thank you,

[Judy246]

It took me 2 yrs. to "begin" feeling normal again....2 yrs. It is the worst time for you right now, because it's so fresh and surreal, so I apologize that I don't want to be misunderstood to go live your life. You will be able to mover forward very slowly and it's going to take a very long time.  I just came from visiting my mother's grave and I still can't believe that my beautiful, sweet little mother is buried. Very tough journey ahead, but stay with us in this website and we will get you thru....Judy

[newportttttttt]

Judy has great advice Id listen to her she obviously knows what shes talking about...My Dad is the first close person in my life that died when I was old enough to really understand the reality of it...Im sorry that this happend to you I guess we all have to through it at one point but why so soon?

[Judy246]

I know what I am talking about, because I am living it. My advise comes from  the depts of my heart and soul and my painful journey of having my mother die in my arms. I would give my very life if I could bring her back, but I'm not God. We have to unfortunately, accept what we can't change and adjust to what life has put before us that we have absolutely no control over. You feel totally helpless and that a terrible feeling that there is absolutely nothing you can do. God bless! Judy

[abby51]

Newport, I am also sorry you have to go through this. I also wonder why so soon? Why not more time but would it be any easier then than it is now? No, it would not be but I cannot help why wondering why now and why so soon. My mom is also the first person I have been close to in which I can fully comprehend the loss, and the closest person to me in which I have ever lost.

It does help to go get advice and hear from other people who have been through it because it is a painful adjustment. Losing any person we are that close to is such a life changing experience and losing a parent means losing someone in which we have never before experienced life without them before.

I know my family will get through this because we still have each other. One of the first things my dad said to us is we will get through this together.

[caz62]

I also lost my mum very suddenly July last year she was only 49 when she died she was very healthy and fit and it came as a shock to everyone. Me and my 2 sisters have been there for my dad visiting every day and making sure he is eating. It will be really tough and you will have really bad days which is understandable.My dad can be snappy some days but this is just grief it doesn't happen much now but keep in mind your dad may not be able to have a brave face all the time.

It may not seem like it the now but you will get through this it may take a while but take one day at a time and talk, try not to bottle things up.

I'm here if you need someone to speak too.  

[Lou133]

I lost my Mom very suddenly on the 3 June 2009.  It was very unexpected, she took ill in the middle of the night and went into hospital first thing in the morning, my Dad phoned me to say that she was ill and that we should pray, but she would be OK.  She passed at about 11am after multiple heart attacks.  I only managed to get a flight over in the middle of the night.

I thought that I was alright and the shock was wearing off and I was getting a bit more used to the idea of life without her.  But suddenly since yesterday I can't stop crying and am struggling so much. I was so close to her and used to speak to her nearly everyday on the phone, because we live so far apart. It's been almost a year since I last saw her.  The hardest part was that I spoke to her a couple of days before she passed and she was so happy.  She was only 54 and she was my best friend.

It's my 30th birthday in two days and I just don't even want to go there or even think about it, but I have to for my husband and children's sake.  I know that it's one day at a time, but at the moment I'm hardly even making it through a day and I have 3 small children to look after.  I haven't slept for nearly two weeks because I'm waking up every half an hour to an hour and that's not even because of the kids.  I've had a splitting headache for two days now and I feel like my world is falling apart.

This is the hardest thing I've ever faced.

[abby51]

I lost my mom in May and at this time I am not sure if it will get easier. My mom went to the ER was told nothing was wrong but then suddenly died. She died 4-5 hours after arriving at the ER. Even the doctors were shocked because it was so unexpected.

I come home sometimes and just sit on the couch and cry because this should not have happened to my mom, not at such a young age when she was so happy and had so much more to look forward to.

I also used to talk to my mom alost everyday...I really miss that so much.

SOmetimes I have to take things hour by hour, not even day by day.

[Lou133]

Thank you so much for your reply,  it feels good to know that I am not alone in this.

I guess it's all just going to take as long as it's going to take, as hard as that it.  It still feels so raw to talk about her.  My dad organised her funeral so quickly as well and I wish that he had taken a bit longer and let my brother and I be involved in planning it and everything, but I guess that was just what he needed to do.  It's left me reeling a bit as it all feels like it's coming into focus..

I really miss her and sometimes I just want to pick up the phone to tell her stuff that the kids have done or said, just to have a chat.  I miss that so much.

You right, it feels so unfair they were too young and it was just too sudden.  The only thing I know and that has brought me comfort in the last few weeks is that God knows the bigger picture and I know that I'll see her again.   I was chatting to my pastor's wife about it and she lost her brother very suddenly 7 years ago.  She says that she still has days where it still feels shocking and she misses him.  She still talks to him because she believes that he can hear her and for me that has really been helping.

It's been hard for me to talk to my dad because he is missing her so much and is so sad.  I feel terrible for him because his loss is so great.

Hour by hour and day by day sound like a pretty good plan to me right now.

God Bless

[hailie577]

I just lost my mom 1 week ago suddenly and I can barely stand the pain. I hae 4 little girls ranging in age from 7 months to 7 years old. I feel awful and so sad and so frustrated by the death of my mom and I dont know what to do. How long does it take to feel like I have some joy back? Life has no joy in it right now.

[Lisi251]

Hi Abby, I am so sorry about you losing your mother.Its been over 3 years for me
& I still am torn apart.You will go through so much and it wont be easy I wish
I could tell you I will be but I cant.
Just keep asking Jesus for his help & he will carry you through one day at a time.
I will be here for you if you need me.Stay close to those you love.

God Bless
Lisa

[Heythere123]

This is my first time ever doing anything like this.... But after reading some of the posts and feel like Im hitting bottom with the loss of my mom...I figured that I would. I loss my mother last Christmas. Its been almost a year and Im at a point where I'm so angry at everything. But its not like I know its cause of my mom. I just sometimes feel like a crazy person...I usually just blame my anger on things that are going on in my life. Then when I hit a bottom and realize that all the things Im angry about really dont matter. Im just f'n mad, Im mad that shes gone and I'll never see her. I have these weird things where I just think what do her hands look like, her smile, her voice... Icant remember her voice sometimes ??? Its almost been a year and Im so over feeling like Im having pity parties....But being angry isnt working for me anymore. I just feel lost...

[Judy246]

I'm sorry for your loss. When my mother died, a part of my soul died with her and I would give my very life to see her again. There is not words to describe lossing your mother and what you are feeling is part of the grief process. I go to the cemetary and I imagine her inside her casket and it just kills me that she is in the ground, but I have to fall on my knees with faith or I won't survive this unfair trial given to me. Rest, easy, it's going to be ok, one step at a time, and I invite you to view a picture of my mom, but clicking on "Judy246"....God bless, Judy

[ginger899]

My mother died 6 weeks ago. It was nothing like as unexpected or tragic as some of the posts here. I feel such an awful sense of hollowness and loss though. She was 89, nearly 90 her body just didn't work anymore. Her mind didn't work anymore. It was her natural time to go. She was old, very old for her age. Some people are OK at that age, and older, but not her.

So even though it's the best thing that she died, and it makes perfect sense, I can hardly describe how I feel. I cried of course, at first. Then I accepted completely, that she's gone. I came back home and got on with my life.....
But now I feel just hollow like I've never felt before. I feel so strange. In latter years I could hardly hold a conversation with her and could hardly even phone her because of her dementia. But I would still see that love for me in her eyes. I felt OK just to be with her or talking to her. She used to say "It's so nice to hear your voice sweetheart"
She loved me, even when and if no-one else did.
Then suddenly she's not there. She's just wiped out. Gone.

[JanM77]

I lost my job on June 23 and Mom took sick on June 26.  She passed on August 4.  I am in great dispare.  I cry all the time and am having a difficult time sleeping.  I would have thought the worst would have passed by now.  My Dad is 86 and he and Mom were married for 64 years.  My Mom was 85 when she died.  I am the matriac of a very disfunction family which makes it even harder to get through this.

I have this joyless feeling and want to fell joy again.  The holidays are making the grieving process more profound.  As Christmas was the holiday I cooked tradition meal just as Mom has when I was a child.  When I went to pull the recipes the sight of them in her hand writting was paramount to the flood gate of tears that followed.

I am sure not working is not helping.  I miss my Mother very much and I hope I can resolve this grief of her loss so that I can continue my life.again.

Jan77

[Judy246]

When some people ask, how long did it take to feel normal after your mothers death, since I am living it, it has take me at least 2 years to just feel somewhat normal with life, but the awareness that she is deceased stays with always. My parents were married 54 yrs and it has been 2 years since mom died and we have not decorated the house for Christmas since she died. Dad and I just can't do it. We don't want to do it and it's been 2 yrs. We do go to my sisters house and she has the most amazing tree and ornaments, but she also has a child that needs to feel the holiday season. My entire family will never get over losing mom. We adjust to what we can't change and just a few hours ago, i visited her grave, which I decorated yesterday. It kills me that I have to visit my beautiful mother in a cemetary, but to answer peoples questions how long does it take, for everyone it's different, for me 2 years to feel somewhat normal, BUT the loss is so life changing that you do carry it will you day and night.  Judy

[abby51]

I wonder sometimes if I can get through the holidays. People tell me not to be a scrooge but it is the first holiday season without my mom. I worry about my Dad all the time...he is young and healthy but he is not dealing with things well at all. People tell me he just needs time.

Ginger - I do not feel any joy with the holidays here either. It will never be the same again. The grief seems to be all consuming...I think about my mom, her death, and everything else constantly.

People tell me it gets easier but I do not know, maybe there is a way to learn to live with it somehow but missing someone so much how can it get easier?

[Judy246]

I don't mean to be a scrooge, but the Christmas holiday is especially difficult for me. I use to love Christmas and I no longer joy in my speared heart and I look forward to it coming and going. I just don't have joy knowing mom is not among us and that she is in a cemetary. One night I woke up at 3 am and was very uneased and distraught. I wanted to get in my car and go to the cemetary. I never use this word, but I HATE that my mother is buried. I just hate it and it hurts me so to visit her in a grave. Some times I think, I am going crazy or want to die and be with her, but it's just a heavy, sorrowful heart, but the pain just doesn't go away. It comes and goes, but it's definately there. The first everything is the most difficult and time has not healed my broken heart, because I am not the same. I have a heavy heart and I just don't know how to live without mom. It will get easier, but it is a very slow process (moment by moment and very small steps at a time, but within 2 yrs. you will feel the difference, but you will experience those "having a moment" when you least expect it. Right now, 2 yrs for me and I will never be the same, never.

[kezkez25]

i found out i was pregnant 5 mins befor i found my mum dead on 24/03/2010 life is so hard she wasnt just my mum is was my best friend she had ms but that didnt kill her me and my brothers dont know how she died i just think life is so messed up there is no such thing as a happy ending things will always get you down people you love get taken sorry for sayin all this

[inconsolable]

I've been through all this. I have no one.

[JudyN]

Hello Judy - I don't know if you still visit this site, but I had to respond to your posts, I lost my beautiful precious Mum on 12th June 2008 after a 10 month battle with cancer, she had just turned a very young 80. I cannot cope each day, nearly 2 1/2 years on. I too, cannot believe my dear Mum is in a cemetery. I feel such misery every single day, my life lacks warmth and depth, everything feels two dimensional. Mum was my soul mate, my best friend......I feel such desperation and yearning for her, I just cannot seem to live a normal life. I know Mum would hate to see my so unhappy, but I wouldn't be if she was here. I am sorry for all of you who have lost your Mums. I truly know what pain is now. Will it ever get any easier? Love and hugs Judy G

[xsammyx]

i lost my mum 5mnths ago im only 18 and still in college the doctors kept mis diagnosis her but by the time they found out she had cancer it was incurable then 5mnth later she passed im finding it hard to grieve i feel like no one understand as the only person that does understand is my brother and hes locked away and my dad dont wanna no im on my own i would love to no how to make the pain go away put uv just got to keep putting one foot infront of the other and make your mum proud hope things go well and sorry bout your lost x

[abby51]

It is a very difficult situation to lose a parent at such a young age. I am also still in college. My mom died in May 2009. I am not going to say it gets easier because I am not sure that it does but you have to learn a new way of going on with life. This will be the second holiday season without my mom and it feels very hard because while everyone else is looking forward to Christmas, I am not at all.

I do think for me it helps to talk about how I feel in regards to my mom. Even if my friends do not understand it does seem to help to be able to talk to those willing to listen.

Grief is a hard, difficult, yet necessary process and having lost your mom only 5 months ago it is still very new and fresh. Give yourself time.

Sorry you are going through this as well...I understand as well as many others so do not let yourself feel as if no one understands.

[Rdw1187]

I lost my mom 6 years ago at the end of the month. I am 24 now. I was only 18 when she died. I still cannot get over it. She was sick for most of my middle and high school and I feel like I spent a lot of that time taking care of her..and did not get to be a kid. It *****. And then she was taken from me before I even finished one semester of college.  My siblings didn't go through it the same..cause they weren't around much when she was sick. They balled at the funeral and I didn't aged a tear. Odd,right? I miss her everyday..and hate the holidays now because she will never be a part of them ever again. I don't think ill ever get over losing my mom.

[grungema3]

Hi Sweetheart,

my mum lived with me for 15 years, in very poor health, after my father died. Despite heated argument, I was told she was too poorly and had to go into a nursing home. I was on the verge of collapse but couldn't bear it. I had to agree and she died January 2011, 4 weeks after she left here.
I blamed myself even though everyone there was lovely, and after the funeral all I wantd to do was to go and get her and give her a wash and do  her hair. I knew she would hate being dirty.
Am I crazy? I don't know but when she passed I felt as if she had taken one of my vital organs with her. I am much older than you but my mum wasd my best friend.Hers was the only purely unconditional love I, or any of us, have.
Every day I think"Oh i must tell mummy that". I still worry if I go out thinking someone else is nanny-sitting and there may be an emergency.
A very wise lady told me "Time doesn't heal but you get used to the difference".
We just have to thank G-d that we had lovely mums who left an example of love, caring and warmth. Many people don't have that.
My thoughts are with you, and all the others who have replied to your post.
Some serious rubbish stuff has happened in my life and I thought that was the depths of despair. Until this happened. No-one can explain the physical as well as mental pain of this.
You only have one mum, I'm sure she wouldn't have left you if she had any choice.Lately I've been finding myself thinking" Mum would have been happy that I did that". I find this quite comforting rather than "Where are you? Why have you gone? I bought a winter coat with the small amount of money she left and felt pleased knowing she woud be pleased.
We are all here for you, I wish I could hold your hand and give you a hug.
One day at a time. Lovex

[Mandygirl1979]

Hi there. I lost my dad when i was16 suddenly and am now 31 and lost my mom suddenly! She passed 2 weeks ago suffering from a horrible challenge against cancer and she or myself or family had no idea.  She was a woman with no healthcare so had to go to a county hospital for care and was told she needed a hysterectomy only.  I now am having to care for my learning disabled sister and I feel like I am losing this battle.  I have so much anger yet sadness floating through my body I don't sleep or eat.  Any advice?  Thanks!!  Amanda

[ffionmair366]

Dear Mandy,
My Mam had a Stroke October 30th 2011 and was in Hospital for over a month. By all accounts, she was doing pretty well.....I live 2,000 miles away and my siblings and other relatives live very close to my parents.
  The day after Thanksgiving, November 25th I received a phone call from  my brother. Mam had had ANOTHER massive Hemorrhagic Stroke,,,,even worse than first one....Doctor wanted the whole family there. Essentially, so much damage had been done, she would have needed Life Support forever. She was a very active 80 year old. We chose no Life Support and my Daddy held her hand when she died 20 hours later.
   What my family doesn't realise is the bond we had formed since I moved away 20 years ago. Like someone else said on here, I spoke to her several times a week and if something exciting happened with my son I couldn't wait to phone her. Mandy, I haven't slept or ate since the beginning of November. When I DO lie down, I doze off for a couple hours and that's it...usually during the day. I've lost almost 60 lbs. from not eating and anxiety. My husband told me my face is way to thin. PLEASE don't allow yourself to become ill. My husband buys me Boost or Ensure to sustain me....otherwise I'd just sit here drinking coffee, vitamin water and shaking; crying; feeling lost and in despair.
  It's going to take a loooooong time to "get over" the initial anger and sadness. But, PLEASE, when I read you weren't eating, I had to write. If you have no appetite, like me, at least drink the liquid meals.
  If you need anyone to talk to....I'm here.... ~ Fi ~ x

[jenny71756]

I am reading this as I am going through grief right now! I lost my dad due to cancer and what you said all made so much sense. I totally know how you were feeling. I have the exact same feelings as you. I hope i can get through this. You are so right...we have no control over death. All we can do is have faith and ask God for comfort. Plus, we will see them again in heaven but for now we have to make the best of life and make our parents proud!

Thank you Judy! I enjoyed reading your posts.

[fluffy39]

My name is  Dawn  and I lost my mom in August of 2012   and she my best friend and my everything :  She had Congestive heart failure and Since her passing it is still hard . My dad and I are trying to cope but it is hard . We go to a grievance counseling in the church that we belong to  but we both was our old lives back with my mom . I dont know how I can go on living without my mom in my life : I am 39 years and I feel guilty that I never had children and never been married : My mom wanted a grandchild and i never had one for her so I feel guilty that I did not do that for her .

[Tina91872]

Dawn I'm so sorry for your loss.  I lost my mom suddenly to a Brain Aneurysm
on Jan 10th 2013.  I am 40 and mom was only 61.  She was totally fine one minute and then she had a headache and felt like she was going to throw up.  She was brain dead in like 4 minutes and we took her off life support 15 hours later.  I am still in shock and also going through the guilt stage.  Its a normal feeling but we have to try to overcome this horrible event and remember we have lives to live.  I feel totally empty and at times go to call her and remember she's not there.  If only I could talk to her and hear her voice one more time.  Dawn your not alone!  If you ever want to chat please feel free to email me.  Sometimes I just need to vent as well.  ***@****.  I will pray for your mom, you, and your family.  This kind of thing changes who you are for the rest of your life.  Sending hugs darling.

[suni923]

How are you dealing with the lost of your father now!? i see this is an old post and im just wondering. because i lost my mother two weeks ago and its so hard. im Like an emotional rollercoaster. and im finding it so hard to except. im a mom of 6 children. and all this is making it harder to care for them.. i miss my mom so much. how do i get through this. some days i even find myself a bit snappy for no reason. thank you newporttt.

[suni923]

How are you dealing with the lost of your father now!? i see this is an old post and im just wondering. because i lost my mother two weeks ago and its so hard. im Like an emotional rollercoaster. and im finding it so hard to except. im a mom of 6 children. and all this is making it harder to care for them.. i miss my mom so much. how do i get through this. some days i even find myself a bit snappy for no reason. thank you newporttt.

[abby51]

My Mom died almost 4 years ago since my Mom died (in my original post here I was at the same point as you in which it had only been about 2 weeks) and, to be honest, not a day goes by when I do not miss my Mom.  I do still have my days when I want to cry until I cannot stop and where my whole body seems to ache from the hurt of her not being here but those times are farther in between now.  I did find a wonderful group of ladies who have all lost their Mom.  For some of them it has been 30 years and for some it has been anywhere from weeks to a few years.  We get together regularly every couple of months for picnics, potlucks, zoo trips, or just to sit and listen.  They have been a huge help.  Two weeks is just the beginning. Hang in there and message me anytime.

[wmpierce111]

I just lost my momma,,and it so hard ,I cant seem to stop crying ,I have no appetite,,i have the shakes and cant sleep..she is all I had,,i know people can say they are sorry,,and they feel sad for my loss,,but all these words are spoken,,but it cant bring my momma back,,,iam so lost