I feel like i'm losing my mind!!!

[Shannon_Jayden]

I had a beautiful baby girl on feb 10th 2008 who seemed so perfect .Me and fiance knew there were some complications.Jayden was born with gastroschysis(a condition where the stomach doesn't funny close and the bowel can come out). They doctors said she was best case cinario so we were prety confident that everything would be fine. She was born a m0onth early at 6lbs 4.2 ounces full hair and 2 teeth and the doctors said she would go home with us.When they did an x ray the discovered her bowel was obstructand she was missing 90% of her bowel and so she could only be alive with TPN nutrision and it would lead to a painful death.Me and jason(my fiance) knew what we had to do .we couldn't let her stay on that and be in pain so we decided to make the hardest decision of our lives .We spent 28 days with her in the hospital and three days at home where she passed away.It was so hard letting her go but it was the only thing we could do.we didn't want to see her in pain .It has been four months(tomorrow)since she was born and everyday hurts so much. Jason and i both have gone back to work and trying to make the best of things and be positive(it's a struggle).In the past i haven't had the best memory.I would forget things for a second or get side tracked but it wasn't a huge problem.Since my babies tragic death, i have felt overwhelmed and my head just doesn't feel right. I don't remember simple things like someones name who i just got off the phone with or a conversation. It is like i can't focus at all and when i trie to it seems as though it doesn't help. I was wanting to know if anyone knew of any other case such as mine that may shine some light of any thing that might help me or any knowledge of medical diagnosis  .I'm really worried .

[here4theinfo]

I am so sorry for your loss!! My son, whos name is Jaiden as well, was born healthy after a placental abruption on May 18,2007. I woke up aat 6am bleeding and the dr didnt c-section me until 1:33 that afternoon, I often wonder if he lost oxygen. We had 3 precious weeks with him until June 11 when I woke to feed him a bottle at 5:14. He wasn;t breathing. I tried unseccesfully to breath life into him,but he was never revived even by the paramedics. We just celebrated his b-day and angel day. The first year is the hardest they say, but I think the rest of my life is going to be the hardest. I have nightmares of trying to revive him, or holding him for the last time in the hospital cold as he was.
The only comfort I have found is by praying to him and God every night. I still have his crib and his clothes wrapped up in it. The smell of him is so strong,it brings me to my knees. Alot of people blame God for taking their family and friends. I havent been able to do that. I had alot of signs that my Jaiden might be an angel. We allmost lost him 3 times before that day. The last week of his life,it was as he had woke up. He smiled, he looked at our family pics, would often smile when looking out the window, he brought such a strong presense of love and life to us. I imagine him as angel, God giving me him to protect and surround us. Maybe Im crazy right??
My cousin lost her twin girls at 19weeks, she had a dream that my Jaiden was holding their hands and helping them to Heaven. My other friend lost her baby at 20 weeks and she dreamt that Jaiden was there to help her baby to Heaven too. I believe Jaiden is watching over my other children,saving them from accidents and harms way. The two older kids dream of him loving them, and my baby 2 yr old swears she sees him flyin around and tells me "Momma, angel brother, see" and points to the sky.
It hurts so bad that he is not with us, I understand your frustration and sadness. No parent should ever go through such a tremendous loss. Im sure your baby Jayden is with all of the special angels God has chosen to help us. To bond with a child for 9 months and then to lose them so quick is a shock. Im still rolling with shock, kind of a make believe world. What is the purpose to this life is my most commen question.
Please find comfort in God and pray. Pray to be able to dream of your little love. If you need to cry, just cry. We have set up a special box for our Jaiden. I write him notes often,just to tell him we love him. Whenever we have balloons,my kids let them go to Jaiden saying how much we love him. I pray everynight that God take care of him the way I would have. All of our babies are precious angels. Im so sorry, just live life day by day until you find comfort in a routine. The pain does not go away, but it can be changed alittle if you understand that God was not trying to hurt you, maybe to save your baby from a life of pain...God Bless you and your family!!

[Evelyn Katheline]

I want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss.... and I know what you are going through. February 7th 2008 was a very tradgic day for my fiance and I...  It was 4 months on the 8th of June that our son Kaleb passed away. I suffered from a grade 3 placental abruption and was rushed to the hospital for an emergency c-section. Our son was born at 4:23pm the 7th of Feb... He had went without blood and oxygen for over an hour before birth and it took the doctors over 30 minutes to get his little heart beating again. It was hours before we could go down and see him... and when we did we seen this small beautiful baby boy hooked up to so many machines and monitors it was unreal. The doctor took us aside and told us he wouldn't make it through the night and that we should remove him from life support. We cried and held eachother as we made the biggest desicion of our lives and took him off life support. He passed away a little over an hour after, around 12:20 am on February 8th, 2008. Ever since Kaleb's death nothing seems the same... I almost feel numb to other people and their problems. It is like a large part of me died with him that night... there is a black hole inside of me where he should be...

I know the pain of loosing a child and how you are feeling right now is normal. Emotions are going to be as they need to be to help you get through this terrible time. I have dealt with 2 close friends having baby boys since Kaleb's death and it has been rough. I held my first baby since loosing him a few weeks ago and it felt so good.... I thought I would cry and feel terrible but I felt joy and happiness. It was like I was holding my boy again... and I was so glad my friend didn't have to know the pain I know... she brought her little one home happy and healthy, and to me... that is the greatest gift of all.

God bless you and your family, and may you have the strength to live your life happy.. you will never forget your lost child... but it will get easier to deal with...

Also I would like to add a poem that made me realize a few things, and I would like to share it with you....

A Man in Grief

It must be difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's doing all right
And what she's going through,
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?".
He hears her crying in the night
and thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But stays strong for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be brave~
He lost his baby too.  


also this poem really says how I feel...

Please
by Rita Moran

PLEASE, don't ask me if I'm over it yet.
I'll never be over it.
PLEASE, don't tell me she's in a better place.
She isn't here with me.
PLEASE, dont say at least she isn't suffering.
I haven't come to terms with why she had to suffer at all.
PLEASE, don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost a child.
PLEASE, dont ask me if I feel better.
Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.
PLEASE, don't tell me at least you had her for so many years.
What year would you choose for your child to die?
PLEASE, dont tell me God never gives us more than we can bear.
PLEASE, just say you are sorry.
PLEASE, just say you remember my child, if you do.
PLEASE, just let me talk about my child.
PLEASE, mention my childs name.
PLEASE, just let me cry.


If you ever need anyone to talk to... I am here for you....

[suzi-q]

I am so very sorry for your loss.  First of all, know that you did the right thing.  You put it all in God's hands and He took her in His time.  You are definitely in the depths of grief for your child.  I don't even think you realize what pain you went through and the strength that got you through it.  Give yourself time to grieve and cry.  That is what you need to do right now.  4 months is not a long time.  However, I would consult with a grief counselor to see if she/he can help you through the grieving process.  My best to you and God bless.

[jml1986]

First let me say how sorry I am for your loss. I have no way to really know what you are going through, but I can tell you that what you are going through is completely normal. I worry that you maybe expecting too much of yourself too soon. You lost your baby and that does not just get better over a month or two or even four. How can you remember things when you head and your heart are with your child. Don't beat yourself up if you can't remember a name or if you have to ask for a reminder, anyone who knows you will completely understand that you are still grieving.