Its been a little over two years since my mom died suddenly from a bad infection of some sort but it hurts almost as much as it did when I found out. She had been living in a different state than my brothers, my dad and I for a few years before she passed so I didn't get to see her that often. She was my best friend, we were so close and it's so hard to believe that someone that means so much to me could be here one day and gone the next. I remember the day I found out like it was yesterday. My dad, younger brother and I had picked my grandma up from the airport and all I could think about was going home, getting away from them and going to sleep so I could go to school the next day and gossip about something stupid with my best friends. That was the last time I can recall feeling normal. We finally got home after an hour drive and my dad tells me and my brothers we need to meet him in the living room. Once we're all there he tells us. He says "your mother passed away last night". After that I don't remember feeling anything but desperation, sadness and anger. I kept calling her thinking maybe my dad was wrong. Maybe it was a false alarm. Maybe she would pick her phone up and tell me she loves me and how she saw a new movie on lmn that I just have to see. Maybe she was ok and I didn't just lose one of the two most important people in my life. But she never answered. I hate myself for not calling her 10 times a day to tell her how much I love her. I hate myself for every mean thing I ever said to her. I hate myself for not saving her. Ever since the worst night of my life I've been terrified that I'm going to lose my dad. He now has diabetes and high blood pressure which scares the hell out of me. On top of that, he smokes and doesn't eat as well as he should. He's all I have left and I don't know if I could survive losing him. We don't always get along but every single time he leaves the house, I hold my breathe. Every time the phone rings, I'm scared its someone telling me I lost another one of the two most important people in my life. Or that he's hurt or that he's gonna be taken away from me in some way. I don't know what to do and all I know is that I'm scared and sad and I don't want to feel like this anymore. I just want to know he'll be ok and that he'll be there te see me graduate and walk me down the isle and meet his possible grandkids. I want to know that when I'm 30 and I'm having a hard day that I can call him and everything will suddenly be better because hes my dad and he always knows what to say.