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I lost my mom
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I lost my mom

Hello everyone,

My name is Andrew and I just recently lost my mom on Valentine's Day. I'm only 21 years old and I have an 11 year old little brother and we're having a very hard time trying to deal with this loss. These past few weeks have been the hardest of my life for me and my little brother, I just can't believe that she's actually gone. My mom meant everything to us, she was the best mom we could ever ask for. She was always there for us and did everything she could to help us, she gave us everything we needed and made sure we were happy and we loved her so much, with all our hearts. My mom was the reason that I woke up every morning, she gave me the strength to go on and it made me so happy to be able to see her every morning. I've never went out with friends and did things for myself because I was always at home taking care of my mom and the family, even though I never went out I was very very happy to be at home because I was spending all my time with my family and especially my mom. I'm just thankful that we were able to spend Christmas with her. But our hearts broke when she died and she was all we had left in our lives except for my grandma. I don't have anyone else or any other parents, my dad died in a car accident before I was born and my little brother's dad died in Afghanistan, my grandma is basically all the family we have left. Ever since my mom died I've been having problems sleeping and trying to do things around the house, I feel empty inside and it seems like there's nothing that will fill that hole. My mom wasn't a very fit person, she had a lot of problems but none of them were very life threatening. She had breathing problems, heart problems, joint problems, and the major problem she had was her weight. She was very obese and she no matter what she tried she just wasn't able to lose any weight. She was trying to get a Gastric Bypass done but they wouldn't do it until she lost some weight. If she would have had that done she probably would still be here today but they said she could die on the table while they were performing the surgery. My grandma and my little brother haven't been crying very much but I do know that they are crying on the inside and I know that they miss mom as well. I've been crying every night about my mom and I still just can't accept that she's gone, I keep thinking that she's still in the hospital and that she'll be coming home but when I realize that she's not I just cry more. I feel like my life is over and that there's nothing for me to live for anymore, I'm trying to go on with my life but I just can't seem to do it. I can't go on without my mom, I needed her and I still do. I prayed and begged God to heal my mom and bring her home to me when she was in the hospital but instead He took her away from me and my family and now I don't have a mother anymore. I feel like God didn't listen to my prayers and just ignored them, I believed in Him and now I'm starting to lose faith. My mom told me that God will always be there for me and will always help me, but I didn't feel like God was there and it didn't feel like He was helping me. I wanted Him to heal my mom, not take her away from me. I just don't know what to do anymore, nothing feels the same anymore. I always hoped that my mom would still be here to see me grow up and to be proud of me and proud of my little brother but now it'll never happen. My mom was in the hospital from January 6th until Valentine's Day. While she was there she was in a coma and she never woke up, she needed CPR 3 times and then they finally got her heart going again, a few weeks later she started having lung, kidney and liver failure and on top of that her brain activity was very slow and was only keeping her heart going, she was on a breathing machine for the entire time she was there. They told me that no matter what they were doing for her she wasn't getting better at all, only worse. I had to make a decision and the only one I could make was to take her off of life support and let her go peacefully. I didn't want to do it but I had no other choice. I hate myself for making that decision and I feel like I let my mom down, I just hope that she doesn't hate me for doing that and that she still loves me.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi Andrew, I am so very sorry for your loss and all your pain.  I can truly relate to you as I lost both my parents in a car accident when I was 25.  Your mother sounds like a wonderful person and as a mother myself I can tell you that the one thing she wants most for you is to live a happy life.  I know it;s difficult to see this happening at this point, but you can and will with time.  It appears that you were a wonderful son and made your mother very happy...be proud of this.  Live an honorable life that allows her to shine through in all you do.  A life where people think "his mother did a wonderful job raising him".  Give her reasons to smile as she looks down on you and with so much pride and says...that's my son.  Your mother was suffering a lot towards the end and I know how very difficult it was for you to make that final decision but I'm sure she would not be disappointed in you!  She was suffering and some would not have made that decision because they cared more about their own pain than their mother's suffering.  You put an end to her suffering, freed her from the body that was torturing her.  It took a lot of love to do that and your mother knows this.  I know it hurts so bad, and it's okay to be angry with God...he understands that your heart is broken. You need to do whatever it takes to get through this time because you have a little brother who really needs you.  He's dependent on you to help him understand all of this even when you don't.  Life is so unfair at times, but you will emerge a stronger young man for all you've endured.  Get a journal and start writing down all your thoughts and emotions, putting all of this down on paper is very therapeutic for us as it serves as a form of release for us.  Write whatever you want, just write.  The day will come when you will remember your mom and still cry...others you'll smile at all the good times you shared.  You showed your mom great courage and love in the end and she loves you for this.  Don't beat yourself up for doing what was best for your mom...you set her free and ended her pain and suffering. She raised you to be responsible and live a good and happy life, don't let her down.  Your pain is still very strong so be patient with yourself and take it one day at a time.  I can tell you that it will get easier with time.  Everything you're feeling is normal, the pain, the anger and the "whys".  Your mom raised a very strong and caring young man, make her proud in all you do.  Talk to your younger brother, let him know it's okay to cry and that you are hurting too.  He may think he has to pretend that he's okay when he isn't, this is where you play an important role.  I'm sure your grandmother is trying to be strong for both of you while her heart is breaking. You may want to see a grief counselor to help you through this time, many of us have had to do this and that's okay.  We're always here for you, to talk or just for you to vent.  Big hugs....
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi Andrew, I am so very sorry for your loss and all your pain.  I can truly relate to you as I lost both my parents in a car accident when I was 25.  Your mother sounds like a wonderful person and as a mother myself I can tell you that the one thing she wants most for you is to live a happy life.  I know it;s difficult to see this happening at this point, but you can and will with time.  It appears that you were a wonderful son and made your mother very happy...be proud of this.  Live an honorable life that allows her to shine through in all you do.  A life where people think "his mother did a wonderful job raising him".  Give her reasons to smile as she looks down on you and with so much pride and says...that's my son.  Your mother was suffering a lot towards the end and I know how very difficult it was for you to make that final decision but I'm sure she would not be disappointed in you!  She was suffering and some would not have made that decision because they cared more about their own pain than their mother's suffering.  You put an end to her suffering, freed her from the body that was torturing her.  It took a lot of love to do that and your mother knows this.  I know it hurts so bad, and it's okay to be angry with God...he understands that your heart is broken. You need to do whatever it takes to get through this time because you have a little brother who really needs you.  He's dependent on you to help him understand all of this even when you don't.  Life is so unfair at times, but you will emerge a stronger young man for all you've endured.  Get a journal and start writing down all your thoughts and emotions, putting all of this down on paper is very therapeutic for us as it serves as a form of release for us.  Write whatever you want, just write.  The day will come when you will remember your mom and still cry...others you'll smile at all the good times you shared.  You showed your mom great courage and love in the end and she loves you for this.  Don't beat yourself up for doing what was best for your mom...you set her free and ended her pain and suffering. She raised you to be responsible and live a good and happy life, don't let her down.  Your pain is still very strong so be patient with yourself and take it one day at a time.  I can tell you that it will get easier with time.  Everything you're feeling is normal, the pain, the anger and the "whys".  Your mom raised a very strong and caring young man, make her proud in all you do.  Talk to your younger brother, let him know it's okay to cry and that you are hurting too.  He may think he has to pretend that he's okay when he isn't, this is where you play an important role.  I'm sure your grandmother is trying to be strong for both of you while her heart is breaking. You may want to see a grief counselor to help you through this time, many of us have had to do this and that's okay.  We're always here for you, to talk or just for you to vent.  Big hugs....
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1530171_tn?1362547225
Hi Andrew. I'm very sorry for your loss.

It is difficult to process events like the loss of a loved one, as in our logical
minds it cannot be justified, no matter the circumstances.

For one thing, God is not the one responsible, as God wouldn't be fair if He
intervened only in some cases and not in others. It just wouldn't be fair, so that would not stand, as God is only a Loving and a Just God.
However, our limited understanding makes it harder to accept that where
the spirit goes,  is a much greater place than down here in our world.
Our physical life is primarily designed to learn lessons, through facing obstacles, illness, hardship etc. so we can grow from that.
it is also the place to do good and offer love and help and care to others,
as our ultimate purpose of man is to be God-like.
Can you imagine a world of people who care and love each other, no matter what! We are born in the image of God, however, because we have been granted free will, we sometimes make "wrong" choices in life, as we need to learn more lessons before we can become more God-like.
Cherish the gift of Love that your mom left you and your brother, use it in your life as a guiding force in her honor, and by doing this you will set yourself free from the ephemeral aspect of physical loss and grieving beyond what has healing value. it might take some time though.
You will connect with the concept of eternity easier, knowing that your mom is not really gone, but as a matter of fact is always around.
As Michael Lee says : We don't just Die, we Pass On.
Do a Youtube search for Michael Lee and Pass On for an amazing recite of this poem by this young poet, himself. Simply brilliant.
God Bless you and your family.
Niko
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332074_tn?1229564125
Hello Andrew, I am going to say a few things different then what the others posted and I am doing that because although my mother is still living, I lost my dad suddenly 14 yrs ago. I heard the same words that the other people posted however I did not find them comforting at all back then. The reason I did not find comfort was because I was too consumed with my grief and there was no way any words were going to provide me with the comfort those people spoke of. I was in so much pain and I didn't know if I was ever going to move on and continue to live without the first man I had ever loved. I was lucky in on aspect because I did not feel like I left any unfinished business with my dad. I loved him and I knew everyday that he loved me too! What hurt me the most was that after dads funeral the rest of the world just went on with their lives as if nothing had ever happened and I was dying inside. People stopped talking about my dad as if he was never here and yet I couldn't accept the fact that he was really gone. In my mind I did not want to accept that my dad would be talked about in the past tense because I felt like he was still alive although he wasn't there. I can tell you that yes you should feel like you don't want to live anymore, and yes you can feel like god let you down because he didn't anwser your prayers, but that does not mean that those feelings are wrong and you should not feel bad for having them. Will life go on? yes. Will you ever stop wishing you want to die so you can be with her? yes. How long will it take for that to happen? Who knows. We all grieve differently although we have all experience grief. No you will never have your normal life back, because your life will now and forever be without your mother. However in time you will develope a new normal life and that new normal will be a life without your mother but it will still be a good life. Your pain will never go away but you will learn to live with it and eventually you will learn to smile again. You will also learn that although your mom is not with you on this earth, she does live within you and because of the way she raised you will put a part of her in everything you do. So for now, it is okay to feel the way you do and in a year from now it will still be okay to feel the way you do, and when the time is right and you will not know when that is because it will happen without you knowing it, you will find that you are going on and living the life your mother would be proud of you for.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hie Andrew - I identify with your pain for I have lost a couple of my lloved ones over the years andcthe wound that's still there is also for my mum. She was the only constant thing in my life,  selfless,  always protecting her loved ones,  trying to be the best person she could be. When she passed away,  I was in denial,  then came the anger and bitterness of life as a whole. I stopped to go to church but did not loose my focus on God. Through self introspection I learnt s few things.
1 pain is ok,  that's part of the grieving process.
2 anger can lead to self destructiveness and my mum wld not have been proud of me.
Seeking anything to dull the pain of suffering can be dealt road with dire results
3 talking about what's happening and how you feel is very therapeutic.  Especially with the few loved ones who share your loss. Psychologists are fine I the absence of loved ones who wld understand what you talk about.
4 taking your time and looking at your journey together,vespecially those moments you cherish wld be good. Creating an album of the amazing life you had.
5 Doing something, or trying to achieve sonething that you can imagine your mum having one of those big smiles you remember- maybe her dream was to see you graduate in college.
6. Focussing on being the best person you can be.
7Your little brother is very fragile - for he is going into teenwood - loosing a mum and teenagewood can be a fatal combination - you will need to  make your brother believe that you guys are the best team and you will make it.

I have seenkuds who lost their mothers while being born and grow up never knowing what a nartenal kiss and hug feels like. Kids who get bumped from one family to another - consider the time you spend with your mum a gift.

You are an amazing person Andrew and grieving is ok but cherishing the life you had with you wonderful mum and focussing on doing something that she wld have been proud will be great.
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Avatar_f_tn
hi Andrew I lost my mom two yrs ago this feb she lived with my hubby and I one day after work I came home found her in my bathroom she past away then I started withdrawing my self away from things then I had been put on meds I still feel lonely cause shes not here but its getting a lil easier to handle but im so sick now coming off my meds .doc wants me back on them but I don't like the way they make me feel hope things get better for u
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My mother was and still is a very wonderful and amazing person, she was the best mother a son could ever ask for. I was a very good and wonderful son to my mom, I always did things to help her and make her feel better, I always cared for her. But this past year or so I wasn't all that nice to her, I yelled at her a few times and wouldn't listen to her when she told me things and I only spent a little bit of time with her and now I regret all  those things that I did. I did tell her that I love her everyday but I just feel SO bad about those bad things I did. I feel SO bad inside, it's making my heart hurt and no matter how many times I pray to her and tell her I'm sorry it just doesn't work. I still feel the same hurt and I don't know if she forgives me or if she still loves me. I told my mom before the paramedics took her away that I love her and so did my little brother but I just hope that she still does love me. I feel like this feeling won't go away and it's just eating away at me. I'm doing everything I can to live the best life I can but I'm finding it very hard too, I feel like I have nothing to live for anymore. I always wanted to my mom to see me get older and for her to be proud of me but that can't happen now. My mom tried everything to get better but no matter what she did nothing worked and I just wish I knew why. My mom would always tell me that when she lost weight she would love to go and do things with us like going to the park or movies and now it can't happen anymore. I don't know if my mom would still love me or not because I let her go, I just don't know if I did the right thing or not. I'm doing my best to help my little brother but I don't know anything about raising a kid, my mom always knew what to do and what to say, I just don't think I can do that. I don't know as much as my mom did. I won't let her down, I always do what I can to make her happy for me but I just that she could still be here. Thank you so much for being here for me and for talking to me about this, it really helped me a lot. Big hugs
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But why didn't God help my mom like He did before? I saw with my own eyes God heal my mom, He healed her many times before, I just don't know why He didn't do it this time. I know He can work miracles, why couldn't He make one happen this time. I guess your right about life, if everything went perfect we wouldn't learn any lessons. Thank you so much for your words, you've helped me understand a little bit. God Bless you and your family as well
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I'm so sorry about your dad. I feel the same exact way you did. No matter what I'm doing nothing is working, I feel like I just want to roll over and die. I don't think I can go on with my life. Everything in my life goes wrong, nothing ever worked out the way I wanted it or the way my mom wanted it. It's like  my life is filled with nothing but bad luck, I have no more parents, I have no other family, my grandma isn't doing well either...what kind of life is this, it's a pretty horrible one if you ask me. God isn't even doing anything for me at all, what is He going to do next...take my grandma away from me too. My entire life has been ruined and there's nothing that will ever make it any better. Sometimes I wish God would just strike me now and get it over with. I'm doing my best to try to go on with my life, I'm helping my little brother as well and he seems to be handling this a lot better than I am. I just hope that my mom still loves me and forgives me for the way I acted towards her this past year or so. I told my mom everyday that I loved her and I even told her I love her when the paramedics took her away, but I just really hope that she still loves me no matter what happens. I don't know if she does or not. Thank you very much for your kind words, it's helped me a lot to handle this and I thank you so much for that.
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Hi Andrew....As a mother myself I can promise you that your mother has always and still does know how much you love her...never doubt this.  Even when our children act in a way that may upset us...we still love them very much and know that you love us....it's a mother-child thing, a bond that nobody can break.  I had the same questions about God as you do.  I watched my son beat death over and over and I gave all the credit to God...then he died and the faith that always kept me going was shaken to my very core. But I came to realize that life can be very unfair and although we may not understand why things happen as they do, we must accept that life is all about change and we need to learn how to handle the  changes in our lives. Just know that everything you're feeling is okay and warranted.  You'll do just fine with your younger brother, your mother taught you well and was a wonderful role model for you...there's no way you could ever disappoint her.  She will shine through and guide you with your younger brother as she smiles down very proudly of the young man you are.  Find peace in knowing that a mother's love is eternal and she always knew how much you loved her.  You sound like a young man any mother would be proud of.  Take care.
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332074_tn?1229564125
I can tell you when I last my dad Andrew I wanted to die too. I felt like there was no reason for me to live for. I was wrong! I have a daughter who means the world to me and I had a husband that needed me too. The only thing I didn't have was me. Part of me went with my dad and I didn't know how to get it back. All I wanted was to be with him and there are days I still do after almost 14 years. Why, because my heart aches so bad some days that I just don't feel like it is worth going on living. However I know that dying is not the answer to a broken heart. I have heard it said for many years that dying is the easiest part. Living is the hardest. As hard as it is right now and maybe for a long time to come is to realize that God didn't take your mom away from you. She was put on this earth to do what she was meant to do and that sounds like raising 2 amazing boys and when it was her time to go there was nothing you could do to change that. I don't expect you to believe that for now, but one day and it maybe several years from now you will reach the point where you can believe it then you will find more comfort in it. As soon as we are born we start dying and it doesn't matter what you die from, but you do start dying every moment you are living. I fully believe we can do things to speed up that process and maybe your moms weight was what shortened her life. That said, you will never know if she did not have the weight issue would she still have died. Me personally, I do believe that no matter how good and healthy you live your life if it is your time to go, you will go. I know that is not comforting in anyway, but what I hope it does is help you understand that the choice you made was the only choice you had if you wanted to help your mom. She created a very strong young man and gave him the knowledge to know that she could trust him with her life when the time came and she was right!
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