Intense grief over the loss of my father

[autumn4ever]

hi all ... new to the forum.   I was just reading through all of your heartbreaking and moving posts. thank you for sharing your stories and opening your hearts.  I just lost my dad about 3 weeks ago, he was only 63.  He had cancer and fought courageously for 16 months.  We always knew that his cancer would eventually end his life but intially they had given him years to live and that he potentially could have gone through several remissions. Within the past 3 months it got progressively worse.  He was in such excrutiating pain.  He died one week to the day that his doctor told him he was terminal and there was nothing else they could do for him.  My dad was my best friend.  We were so close and I am heartbroken.  The holidays were excrutiatingly difficult.  I have difficulty sleeping at night and take something to help me sleep.  I have nightmares.  The grief is so overwhelming.  I still can not believe he is gone.  I often have to remind myself that he is gone.  I have a great support system, my fiance has been amazing but still I am completely heartbroken.  It is too difficult to look at his picture or visit my parents house for long periods of time.  My  mother is so devastated she can not even bring herself to return to the home she shared with my dad ... she is currently living with my oldest brother.   I keep praying that the pain will get easier and I know that only time will lessen the grief BUT until that time I am trying to deal with loss as best as I can.  I am getting married in the spring and my dad will not be there ... we plan to have a very small ceremony or just elope.  It is just too painful without my dad.   The way I feel now, it feels like I will never feel "normal" again ... and I know I will not.  My life will never be the same again.  I will have to accept a whole new "normal".  Thank you all for listening.  My prayers to all of you ... I wish you peace and love for 2009.  God bless.

~K~

[j_e_n]

Hi,

I lost my Mom to cancer in April.  She was 62 and lived 15 months after being diagnosed with a brain tumor.

Every day I still miss her and think of her and I'm sure I always will.   I still get choked up, teary and/or cry often - but not several times a day like before.

I don't think my Dad, brother or I will really ever be the same as we were before.  Things have changed.  My mother was a different person after losing my grandma a few years ago.

I don't like to say it gets easier, but that you will learn to accept it more as you go along.  For a long time, all I would think of was cancer, sad times, things she went through in her illness.  I am only now starting to at least think of our good times.  I don't want to just remember her sick.  Nobody does.  

Give yourself time to grieve.

I know that my Mom would not like me sitting around crying and being sad for however time I have left.  Life is short - and she'd want me to enjoy it and to remember happy times.  And to be happy.  I know your Dad would feel the same.

Another Jen

[Beachwalker33]

I'm so sorry,I know how you feel.My beloved Mom passed away on August 14th of Ovarian Cancer.I miss her everyday,almost everynight I wake up gasping for breath,part anxiety,part asthma.Soon after my passing my birthday,her birthday,thanksgiving,and then christmas.So hard all the first without my mom.My Mom was 50 years old,when God took my bestfriend,my hero,my Mom.I recommend starting a journal write to God,your Dad,or just your thoughts about how you feel about the situation,its helped me.Allow yourself to grieve.I have tons of books to suggest to you like Gentle Closings How To Say Goodbye To Someone You Love By Ted Menten and When Will I Stop Hurting? Dealing with a rescent Death By June Cerza Kolf.You could find these on the internet or a christian bookstore.If you have a grief group in your town,this could also be quite helpful.Be strong,cry when you need to,and most important of all take care of your health.I haven't,I've lost about 15 pounds since she passed.Its been more difficult because of the way I'm handling it.Don't make that mistake.Your in my prayers,if you need to talk and just want a caring ear,let me know and I'll e-mail you my nomber or something.God Bless and may he keep you in his care through this very tough time.Jen

[autumn4ever]

thank you all for your kind and moving responses.  It truly helps to know there are others who are experiencing what I am everyday.    Judy, Suzi, and Lori thank you for sharing your stories and showing such great strength.  My prayers to you all, god bless.  I know that is what I must do and I will.  It is still so raw and everyday is a challenge.   But my father told me that I would have to be " the rock " ... that I would be strong not only for my mother but for myself.   And I know that I will be.   I am also dealing with trying to find a new job after 10 years and my mother's health has not been very good since my dad became so ill.  She is a diabetic and is having difficulty keeping that under control.  As overhwhelmed as I feel I know that I will come out on the other side of this.  I have to remain positive.   Thank you all so much ... god bless.

[Judy246]

I'm so very sorry on the passing of your dad. My beloved mother died in my arms on July 19th and I will never be the same person. My brother got married and a week later my mother died, a week later her brother in law died, a week later my fiance's father died, five months later, her best friend who attended her funeral and wake died of cancer and I can go on. Finally, two weeks before Christmas my brother's wife had a miscarrage and I lost my job in May.

Never in my life have I experience such hugh losses, but the loss of my mother has destroyed my family. I have my father (83 yrs) with me and 'm scared. I'm scared because he had a heart attack 4 yrs. ago and will not be able to handle this loss. They were married 54 yrs. and he said he is detroyed.

K...it's going to be the most difficult time of your life and there is no way around this one.
Death is cruel, heartless and devistating, but I promise you that with the help from  God and one day at a time, you are going to be like the rest of us....a survivor.

Be strong. Your father would not want you and your family to suffer, but to live your life fully, so make your dad proud and live.

You are a in my thoughts and prayers....Judy

[suzi-q]

K~

I can relate...and relate all too well.  Right now you are still in the depths of grief and pain and nothing will feel ok.  My advice to you is this.  Stay in the moment.  Don't think about tomorrow or next week, etc...just think of the right now.  Feel what you need to feel, and by doing that you will begin to heal.  You are right that nothing will be the same again. But that doesn't mean that you cannot be happy again, because you will be.  I lost both of my parents approx 8 years ago 4 months apart.  It was the most devastating time in my life that I thought I would never heal.  BUT, it does get better.  I married approx 2 years after my parents and I chose to do it in the new house me and my husband bought together.  My sister chose the traditional big wedding.  I couldn't do that, but she was able to...so your wedding choices are all up to you and your fiance.  Whatever you chose will work out.  Since then I have also adopted a beautiful baby girl from China who is now 3 1/2 years old.  Christmas is fun and magical again, and I laugh and smile and remember my parents every day.  I make their recipes and carry on their traditions.  Sometimes I still cry...but that is because I love them so much and will always miss them....Time heals and life goes on...but right now, for you, you need to not be so hard on yourself and accept your pain and loss and not worry at all about tomorrow.  Blessings to you and your family.

[kipland]

I feel your pain.  I lost my mom, who was also my best friend, on February 2nd of last year.  She died two weeks after she got the CT results back showing ovarian and liver cancer.  It was a nightmare, and I still have periods of overwhelming grief - but it IS getting a little better.  I still have my dad (thank goodness), and we've all pulled together through all the "firsts" this past year (holidays, birthday, anniversary).  

No, your life will never be the same again.  But in the coming months, the memories of your dad will start being replaced with the good times you had with him, instead of the ones of him suffering.  Eventually, you will be thankful that he didn't have to suffer any longer than he did.  The pain in your heart will slowly not feel so raw as time goes on.  That doesn't mean that you don't still miss him, it just means that you're healing.

There is no time limit to the grief process.  Every person is different.  Allow yourself to grieve - that's part of the healing.  Know that on your upcoming wedding day, your dad will be watching you with pride, knowing that you're going to be okay.

As far as it being hard to visit their house, take baby steps on that one but don't stay away.  I found that it was very difficult to be there at first.  I kept expecting to see her pop out and tell us all it was a bad dream.  But time has been the great healer, and it's not as hard anymore.  Do I still have my moments?  Yes, and probably always will.  She was a huge part of my life - just as your dad was with you.

You'll get through this.  Keep your positive attitude and keep praying.  God will take you in his arms and carry you through.

Lori