August 29 2010 around 1:30pm my whole life changed forever. My mother died from cancer. I feel such a loss it is indescribable. I am not in a good place. I have 3 young children (5 and twin 1 year olds) and I am in a very bad marriage and have no where to go. I feel like if my mother was still here I could talk to her and she would make it all better.
I feel like I don't want to live without her and I can't breathe when I get into these moods. I can't just run away becuase of my kids. I don't have a job, or savings I have nothing!!
I am mad that my mother knew that her cancer came back and didn't tell her 3 children. She knew that id was terminal and she told noone...I didn't get a chance to tell her I'm sorry for everything I have ever done to her...I didn't get to kiss her goodbye. I didn't get to brush her hair or paint her nails and just smell her scent...just hold her hand while she waits on a hospital to die! WHY?????
How do I go on...where will my help come from now?
I am so sorry for your loss. Your help will come from your 3 babies....let them be the wind beneath your wings that carries you through this difficult time. Don't be mad that your mother didn't tell anyone about the cancer, she felt she was doing what was best so as not to worry all of you. It sounds like she loved you very much and was trying to protect you. I never got to say good-bye to my mother either, but we have to trust that they know how much we loved and miss them. Your mother lives on in you and more than anything else...wants you to live a happy life. As a mother myself I can tell you that we always know how much our kids love us no matter what, and we need no apologies. She felt she was doing a good thing by not telling all of you, trying to protect you from all the worry and pain....you can't fault her for this. Just know it took a lot of love to keep this to herself. Even though things are bad for you right now, you can start planning your move. Start stashing away money, and planning where and when you'll go. You need to seek help with all of this, it's a lot to deal with and you need to get yourself in a better place emotionally not only for yourself but for your babies. One thing that will help you is to write letters to your mom....I'm sure she will hear what you are writing. Say everything you ever wanted to say to her in letters, it's a great form of relase for us. You can even write all about your mom, the wonderful mother and woman she was, as a little tribute to her. Then you can pass this on to your children so they learn all about their grandmother. Let your mother shine thru in you, live a good and happy life that makes her proud. This is the greated gift you can give her because it shows the world what a wonderful person she was to have raised such a happy and loving daughter. Look at your children and think of how much they need you, and this will carry you thru. I can tell you that it does get easier, not sure how...just that it does. I know you can build a happy life for you and your kids and I wish you all the very best! Hugs....
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