It just hit me

[jenleean]

Last night after 5months i just lost it....cried, no sobbed for the loss of my baby girl.  she was an identical twin. our daughter madison lay fast asleep and i just couldn't help but think what if she were here with us too.  i miss her so much.  two weeks before i delivered Madison Leah, our other twin died.  it was heartbreaking and life altering to say the least.  to come home to a nursery decorated with twos was unbearable .  my husband cryed the day we took her crib down.  but i have been so busy worrying about madison that i have put leah to the back of my mind.  i just need to vent...i think it helps....but if anyone has a similar situation to talk about i would like to talk with you.  its not easy because people think oh well she has a daughter she should feel lucky....and i do but, i still felt two baby's, saw two faces, and held two girls...but only brought one home....
thanks for listening
jen

[jenleean]

Thank you everyone so much for your good thoughts.  

[mammo]

You deserve and need to cry.  The fact that you still have one child does not make it easier, or even make sense for anyone to think it should.  You lost a child, there is no greater pain, I know for I also lost one.  You need to grieve for this loss.  It doesn't take anything away from your daughter, you're grieving for her sister, your daughter.  Don't allow others to tell you how to grieve for your loss, you do whatever makes you feel better.  I lost many people in my life, including both parents when I was only 25, there is no pain that can compare to what I felt when I lost my son.  Children should not leave this world before us, but they sometimes do.  I will never understand why, but I can promise you that it will get better, I don't know how or why, just that it does.  But do grieve for your loss, as it is real, and you need to express your pain and even anger.  I suspect your husband is probably wanting to do the same, maybe you should approach him and cry together for your precious baby girl.  Blessings..............

[Judy246]

My future mother-in-law Mary, 40 yrs. ago had twin girls. One survived Antoniette and her identical twin sister Josephine, died at the age of 3. Josephine was born with so many health issues that she didn't stand a chance at life. Mary is now 82 yrs. and she still cries at the thought of her loss baby girl. She calls her, "her baby girl". Last Thursday, I took her to visit her and we put flower on the small grave, yet the impact of the loss is still felt. Antoniette stated that she feels the presence of her sister within her and she knows one day in God's time she will meet up with her, but time has not eased the loss. Mary stills cry's for her little girl. As Caroline wrote, you are "bonded" eternally to her and I hope that one day, you will find that inner peace when she will come running to you from the gates of heaven in God's time and show you the way....Judy

[Caroline565]

Jen, I am so sorry for the loss of your baby girl. Any mother would know that when you carry a child that bonding has already taken place. I find it wonderful to see the young fathers of today so involved with birth too. You both need to grieve this loss no matter who fails to understand this. I hope that in time, you both will find peace.