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It's Christmas and I just want to die.
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It's Christmas and I just want to die.

I did not put up lights  nor a tree. I just can't. How do I stop thinking that I want to die.  I am functioning...I get up, go to work, come home, go to sleep, get up ...do it again.

I just don't know how to live without my mom.  I wish I were dead. I want to be with her not here.

I wish I were with my mom.
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16 Comments Post a Comment
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653884_tn?1224702211
I feel the same way, this is my first Christmas without my mom . I am having a very hard time as well. The only reason I did get a tree was for my 4 year old son. While we were putting the ornaments on the tree I came across a number of things I had given her. The ornament with my sons pic and a note to her really got to me. Then I found the card she wrote to my son last Christmas, my son carries it around with him, he even fell asleep with it last night. Its hard to not cry when I think about the things she would be doing with my son this time of year, Christmas specials, presents, etc.. she was the one who took him shopping for little gifts for me and other family members. I could go on and on, she was always so excited about Christmas morning with me growing up, and with my son the last four years. It feels like something is missing, and she is. If you have kids that are young, do it for them. I'm glad I got a tree, it brought back painfull memories, but it also makes me feel closer to her and I know she is smiling down on me and her only grandchild.
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686059_tn?1293837427
I'm so sad. Christmas is so beautiful, the lights, shopping, family, but right now, it hurts me. I just don't want her in the gound and she is. Winter blues or holiday depression.   I know this too shall pass, but the Christmas is lonely without mom and I will not act on wishing I was dead, but there are time that I wish I was with her and not in this world.  

I am not married nor have children.  I do have my 83 yr. old grieving father and I'm doing everything humanly possible to make sure he is well taken care of, but there are times that I just don't want to go on.  

I do wish every one peaceful, blessed Christmas, but one day I will light a tree again.

Thank you for your response....God bless.

Judy
Chicago
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God does not give us more than we can bear, and He will provide a way out.And then the human part of our nature kicks in, and we fall susceptible to our emotions.

Our feelings are part of being a human, they also cause us trouble sometimes.Weeping may endure for a moment, but joy comes in the morning.When we learn to completely trust God, and know that we know that we know that He is able to provide exceedingly, and abundantly for us, then the storms of life only shake us but they do not completely knock us down.One way to put it is to look over the past years of your life, do you see where things got rough, and can you see the Hand of God leading you out of these troubles?
You may not be where you want to be, but you sure aren't where you were before.God will allow us to go through things, to stretch our character, to stretch our faith, but we must not despair, or lose hope, we are not going through this by ourselves.

We give ourselves whatever it is that we feel we must handle. God is love and will help you get through everything that you are going through in life, but you must believe that He is. He's there whether or not you believe, but you won't know what's happening to you positively unless you do believe.
He works with every human being on earth 24/7/365, to help us complete our assigned purpose that He gave us at birth. We can accomplish that in any fashion we desire, example: we can be laughing or crying, but we will accomplish His purpose before leaving this earth. Choose whichever way you prefer. I prefer to be happy.

When we go through the storms asking God what are you trying to teach me in this, we come out of them stronger, wiser, and more full of faith than before. I believe when we do come out of the storms, we are supposed to reach back to someone going through a similiar situation and encourage them, and help them .
Every scar has a story, and who knows? It just might be the story of one of your scars that helps someone through a really bad storm. I hope this helped. Good luck.


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165308_tn?1323190145
Yes, the first year without your mom is terrible.  I just wanted to join her (and my dad) also....but I didn't.  My father always said that if he died, even on Christmas Eve, he would want the lights on the tree!  And that is why I put the tree up that year, with the lights.  I cried...me and my mom cried soooooo very hard, but it was what he wanted.  I am so glad that I did it.  Because it were his wishes.  My dad was a very wise man...he always said that life was for the living.  Yes, you can miss your mom...and damn...it will HURT so very much...but I say PUT UP THAT TREE!  And while you do it, remember the memories and cry hard if you need to...and feel it.  Too many people I know don't put up their tree the year they lose a loved one, and then they don't the following year, and the next, and the next....that is not the way your Mom wants you to be.  The best gift you can give her is to remember her as she was in life and live by her example. She loved Christmas, and one day you will too, again....When my dad died, it was me, my mom and my sister...My mom died that next January....Boy, am I happy I put that tree up.  We had no idea it was her last Christmas, and what a shame it would have been if we let it pass without acknowledgement..not knowing it was her last Christmas.  My parents passed 4 months apart...It was the hardest year of my life...But time heals, and you move on...many things will always remain bitter sweet.  My parents never saw me meet "that special guy" and get married and adopt my beautiful daughter...but I know that they must see me and are here with me (and not in the ground) still part of my life.  Please know you are not alone with your feelings...we are here to listen and understand.
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165308_tn?1323190145
Just one more thing I was thinking...how about a beautiful nativity?  Go to church and pray...and celebrate the true meaning of Christmas.
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599170_tn?1300977493
My husband and I know our Christmas's with our parents particularlly both our Dads are very limited, It will be sad...its gonna break our hearts....Im sure everyones told you geee your Mom would wnat you to be happy...thats easy to say,,your greiving its a process,,,,,Can you try to force yourself to do just one thing ...like suzi suggested a nativity set...buy a box of already made christmas cookies...do it in rememberance and honor of her.....next year you can deal with next year...time doesn not take away missing someone,,it does make it easier.
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686059_tn?1293837427
Dear hbtrsmm, John, Suzi & Cherie,

God bless you....Thank you for your warm comforting words. Right now, you are my human "Angels".

You have lifted this sad spirit during the holiday season.

I will be taking my father to my sister house for the holiday.  We just don't have the heart to do it at home with out mom yet.  

I ask God to bless you for your kind spirit and giving me comfort during this difficult, yet beautiful Christmas time.

I do go to mass "every" Sunday and a box of Christmas cookies sounds very good right now.

I would like to with you a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and a blessed, peaceful New Year.

Judy
Chicago
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I wrote you a note yesterday,glad your feeling better,Did you get a tree? I always take my tree down on New years.Take care and merry christmas.Big hugs & God Bless,Jen
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165308_tn?1323190145
I think it is good that you are doing something different for the holidays this year.  It helps to ease the pain a little.  I have done many changes since the magical times with my parents...The holidays are good again...they will never be the same, but they are good.  I remember after 9-11, Oprah talked alot about creating a "new normal"...and that is what you do.  Baby steps...take it one day at a time....and don't be afraid to feel what you need to feel.  Blessings to you and your family.
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686059_tn?1293837427
Hi Jen,

did put a very, very small, table size, but "pretty" christmas tree by the window. No lights, othing fancy,but the tree has it's own pretty ornaments. To be honest, I'm taking care of a bad cold and can't wait for  Christmas to be over with, BUT, I will try to spend it with my family at my sister's house here in Chicago, IL.  I'm my family is still grieving, but I have small nieces and nephews that need to enjoy Christmas.

I wish on Christmas Eve that I could go to Rosehill Cemetary where my mother is buried and just lay and cuddle on my her grave and hope she could feel my heart from where evere she it at.  I miss her.

Thank you for your response.  It was very much needed and I want to wish you a blessed Holiday season.   Judy
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332074_tn?1229564125
I know how you feel, I felt that way the first christmas after my dad died. What we do is every year before we start our christmas celebration, we take time to remember my dad. If we need to cry, we cry, if we just need to share memories, that's what we do. Whatever it takes to help us through the holiday season without him. I wish you all the best.
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653884_tn?1224702211
I am glad to hear you put a tree up. My Grandparents and I are not having dinner at their house like we have every year before, it is just too empty without my mom, and my uncle (he died 5 years ago). We are going to Benihanas with my fiancee and his family, this year is different so we will celebrate it differently. When I suggested it to my grandparents they jumped at the idea. Maybe you and your dad can go somewhere new, and make it a new Christmas too.
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229760_tn?1291471470
I too am glad to hear you put a tree!!!
I lost my sweet little Cooper, on July 23rd, he was about 7 wks old. This would have been our first Christmas with him. We had so many things planned.  At first I totally avoided Christmas, but being a First Grade Teacher that became impossible. So each day I got a little more Christmas cheer and we finally decided to put a tree. I bought ornaments that remind me of Cooper (cardinals) and I also got him a monogrammed stocking. This was a huge step in the right direction for me! Cooper also sent me a little Christmas gift of his own, I found out I am pregnant about 2 weeks ago.  We had a little scare at the ER, so I am really hoping this little peanut sticks, but anyway, sorry for rambling. I am glad you are going to celebrate!! That is what your Mom, would want!!!!
I try to live everyday to make Cooper proud and I am sure you are living the same way!!! Here's to a great Christmas and a Blessed 2009!!!!!  

Rachel, Baby Angel Cooper and the new peanut
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Hi Judy, Hope putting up the tree was a begnning. Don't know if I have said this before, but either way, this is what helps me a lot. The last time I took Clay to the hospital,( he died 2 days after being admitted) I was crying in the ER. I tried not to let him see me. I knew it was his time as did he. As I lifted him from his wheelchair onto the stretcher, he looked at me and said that is what makes me sad, when you cry. Please don't cry. Now I cry, but try to remember what he said. I like to think he is happy and free of pain. He is not sad where he is. If indeed he can look down and see me and he were to see me crying, it would make him sad. I still cry, but not as much as I did at first. On 1-31-09 it will ne 11 years. He fought the battle for 9 years. His journey ended and his mission here on Earth was completed. A few hour before going into coma, I asked him if he wanted me to go with him and he said no. "It's not your time yet. You will know when it is your time." There have been many times I wanted to die and be with him. I have come pretty close to attempting, but I know that is not what he would want. I feel we all have a job here on Earth and when we have finished it, we will be called. I think someone said above that we go through what we do for a reason. I think that is what they said. You never know when you may be able to be the one that can reach out to som one and say just the words they need to hear, because you too have felt as they do. Until you do, know I love and care about you. You will miss loved one. Think of the happy memories and cherish them. As said, start a new tradition...do something in memory of your mother each Christmas. It takes time. Some more than others. Love you and will remember you in prayer. Blessings.  Madlyn
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686059_tn?1293837427
Dear Madlyn,

I couldn't stop crying while reading your message. It breaks my heart that we are all here with such hugh losses.  You know what I am going thru!  I'm so heartbroken over the death of my mother. I just don't know how to move forward without her. I'm so sad and hurt and a lost soul. I exist and cry alot. I need my mom and I need to know that her soul is ok.

She was such a sweet, child like person who loved God very much, but I can't stop crying.  I know one day I will be ok, that that day is not today, nor tomorrow, but one day.

When I cry,  it just takes my breath and soul away.....I will try not to be so sad, because I don't want my mother's soul to feel my sadness, but I sure do miss her.

I will keep you and your precious son Clay in my thoughts and prayers.  He knows he has a very special mom here on earth helping loss souls like me.

Judy
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686059_tn?1293837427
I just wanted to thank everyone who responded to my message. When I wrote it, I felt it. I just wanted to die and be with my mother. I wanted to just go to be and not wake up, but I'm glad that we spent the holiday at my sisters.  I had a wonderful Christmas with my family and my 83 yr.old father was in very good spirit and that made me happy.

I did visit my mothers grave on Christmas. Its still very hard, but Iittle,by little I am accepting what I can't change and just for a moment  I felt peace, but still miss my mom.

May we all have a better New Year and thank you for all your help.

Judy

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