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It's been six months since mom's death and can't move on...
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It's been six months since mom's death and can't move on!

My mother was 67 when she passed away in May from Ovarian Cancer.  She was diagnosed in December of 2009 and by May of 2010 after her 3rd chemo, she lost her battle.  I didn't even get to say goodbye to her!  She was perfectly healthy before she got sick in December and being a Nurse, she didn't notice the signs.  My family and I noticed that she was gaining weight even though she didn't eat much and she was tired all the time.  By the time she was diagnosed, she was dehydrated and already told she was stage 3.  It was so quick!  I don't know why I am isolating myself and just plain sad all the time.  I'm seeing a therapist and on anti anxiety meds, but nothing is helping.  My Dad has started to date again, which is something that is hard for me to grasp too!  I have been journaling, but even this isn't helping.

How can I pull myself together so I can continue on with my life because right now, I just feel plain lost!

Thanks!
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi.  I am so sorry for the loss of your mother, this is one of the worst losses one can endure. It sounds like you are doing all you can, which sometimes feels like not enough.
Try to remember the good times you shared with your mom, keep her memory alive in you.  Think of all she wanted for you, and make her proud.  Try to stay busy with friends, doing things you enjoy, exercising, if just walking.  Do things to keep your mind and body busy. I know what it feels like to not have said good-bye, and it hurts.  But there is a reason for everything and we have to hold onto this thought.  Maybe we shouldn't think of the missed good-bye, but instead think of..... I'll see you again one day.  It has been my experience that spouses who start to date or remarry soon after the loss of their spouse are the loneliest, and miss their spouse the most.  No woman can take your mother's place with your dad, just her space.  He's still hurting and looking for something or someone to fill that void.  Your mother would have wanted him to be happy.  He is in no way disrespecting your mother, he's hurting.  I lost both my parents in a car accident when I was 25, and I felt so cheated.  It is a lonely feeling knowing our mother is gone, but you have to think of all the two of you shared, all she taught you.  Plant something in her memory and have something stating why it's there and who it's for.  It will get easier, I'm not sure how or why, just that it does.  There will be times when you will think of her and smile, others you'll cry.  Let your doctor know that the medication is not working for you, you may need to switch meds.  Talk to us all you want, whether just to vent, or share.  My heart goes out to you, and as a mom, I can say with certainty, that your mother wants you to be happy more than anything in this world.  She is always with you, and lives on in you.  I do wish you all the best and big hugs to you.  Take care.
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1448936_tn?1363209946
I lost my grandmother this past january to small cell cancer. It was a fast moving cancer..she was diagnosed in november of 09 and passed january of 10. My grandma was basically my mother..my mother wasn't around for me much..so I know how you feel. I've been doing therapy and everything and still feel awful. They say time heals so I'm hoping that eventually things will get better. I'm so sorry to hear that you've been dealing with this pain. I know it hurts but keep going. Its got to get better. Take comfort in family and friends. If you're religious at all prayer and church has helped me out.  And keep up with therapy. I wish you the best of luck. God bless.
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Avatar_f_tn
I appreciate your comments!  

I just don't understand why I feel so depressed and can't seem to get myself to go out with my friends.  I know I'm isolating myself but I don't have the energy to pick myself up and see anybody.  I'm afraid that I'm just not going to be happy and don't want to bring down my friends.  I am on anti anxiety medication and speaking to a therapist, but I'm still unhappy.  I spoke to my father today and he says its time to move on with my life and how my mother wouldn't want me to sit at home and wallow, but that's easier said that done.  He is already dating and he doesn't seem unhappy even though he lost his life partner of 45 years.  

Here I am 40 years old and single and yet I don't want to go out and meet anyone new or socialize with my friends.  They're starting to worry about me and I'm starting to worry about me.  

I started journaling and trying new hobbies like needlepointing to try to get my mind off of my Mom, but I dream about her every night and think about her all the time and every time I think about her, I start to tear up!  I think the problem is that her death was so quick and took all of us by surprise.  I didn't even get to say Goodbye to her.  She was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer in December of 2009 and by May of 2010 she was gone.  She was in the hospital after her third chemo and I said "See you tomorrow Mom, I love you" and that night, she turned blue and never regained consciousness!  I believe that not having the closure I needed is keeping me from moving on!

This is all new to me as I have never been this depressed before so any advice would be appreciated!



Thanks!

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1448936_tn?1363209946
I've started forcing myself to go out with my friends. Its hard because I never want to do much and I especially don't want to get ready to go out but I've made myself a few times. It actually helped a little bit. I didn't contribute to conversation much and was always distracted but I noticed that I felt a little less depressed afterward. My therapist told me to get active and keep myself busy. Its been a struggle. Some days the depression and anxiety wins and sometimes I beat it. Its a slow process. But one day the good days will outweigh the bad.

Have you tried a grief and loss support group? I'm going to one next week. I'll let you know how it goes. I've heard that they're very helpful.
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Avatar_f_tn
I have been going to grief and support groups, Erin, but I stopped going because it just made me more depressed!
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Avatar_f_tn
I lost my mom in May 2009. There is no set way or time limit as to how long it takes to be able to function. I still think of my mom very often. I also did not get to say goodbye to my mom because she had not been ill at all...it was a sudden, very unexpected loss. I was at work when someone walked in and said "we are not here with good news". All I can say is that it does start to get a little easier...or perhaps we learn a "new normal" because we have to. Last year at this time I could not believe anyone could tell me it would slowly start to get a little easier...I would think how can you say that when my mom just died in May. However, I am hopeful that it will continue to become an easier struggle as time goes on.

I also did not want to see my friends because I thought I would make them feel depressed as well but once I made that move to spend some time with my friends I realized it was more of a help than anything else. Although they did not understand they did not have to...they were just there and at that time, that was enough.

A grief group I went to made me feel more depressed, too. in the end, I found my friends listened when I needed to talk about my mom or about my feelings of grief. They in a way became my grief counselors.
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Avatar_f_tn
I also lost my mom unexpectedly. It will be 4 weeks on Saturday. We found her on the floor on Friday and she never regained consciousness. She was on life support and I had to make the decision. It was horrible. So far I've been talking to friends on the phone and have gone out twice but mainly stay at home to take care of my dad and ensure he stays busy. I have no advice but I know intuitively that your mom, like mine, would not want us to stop living our lives. I don't know how I'm going to continue but I know I must. I know I have to for me, for my dad, and for my mom. Whether that means going to counselor after counselor until I find the right one, or the right medication .... or I don't know what. I just know that I can't give up on myself, although I may feel like it. And I know your mom wouldn't want you to give up on yourself ... so please don't.
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