Just lost my Dad

No real question just need to talk. My father passed on June 8th, it will be 2 weeks tomorrow. I haven't really talked to anyone about it, it's just easier that way. I am 15 weeks pregnant and if it's a boy we will name him after my Dad. My Mom has been impossible!! She told me the other day that she no longer has a family. I mentioned the fact that she has 3 children and 9 grandchildren and she said Oh Well, your father was my family and now he is gone so I no longer have a family. It hurts to know that we mean so little to her. For Father's Day my brother and sister and myself went fishing together at my Dad's favorite spot to honor him (It was our first holiday without him) Instead of my mother being proud that her 3 children who never do anything together EVER! actually got together to honor our Father, she was furious at us. She even goes to the graveyard and complains about us to my Dad. We have done nothing wrong to her but she is how she is I guess. I just need time to grief the loss of my Dad without having to deal with the guilt and **** she trys to put on me. I was extremely close to my Dad and I seen him everyday. I have 3 children and am carrying another,,I just had a miscarriage before conceiving this child. I have a lot to deal with I just wish I had someone to talk to about it all. Thanks for listening

[pertykitty]

im so sorry, i lost my dad 5 years ago.  it sounds like your mom is having a hard time dealing with the loss of her spouse. i know it must be very hurtful, you are hurting too, but hang in there. death should be a time when family sticks together to help with grief.  but we all grieve in different ways.  its only been 2 weeks, i bet she comes around, but she is going to need time.  we begged my mom to get therapy, or find a support group.  she had nothing to do with that.  finally she did take antidepressants for some time and it helped so much.  i guess at this point all you can do is be there for her, and ask her to be there for you.  i was very close to my dad too.  you have a little one in there that needs you calm and not stressed (i know its hard when there is so much going on).  i guess if you have to remove yourself for a bit. i think you and your bro and sis going fishing at his favorite spot was a great idea.  we found that talking about him all the time helped with healing. we still laugh and joke about all the fantastic and funny things he did. it helps. i like the idea of naming your son after him, i am 14 weeks pg and my dh (who also lost his father 5 years ago) would like to do that. we just have to figure out how!  take care of you and your little ones.

[shaneswife7299]

Thanks for your response. I have tried to be there for my mom and have asked her the same but it just isn't working. My Dad would be so dissapointed in her for the way she is treating us. She keeps saying that she wants to kill herself and she has said this 4 times in front of my children, who are 6, 4, and almost 2. My 6 year old said that he prays to Pappaw everynight and when he goes to sleep he holds his breath so he can wake up in heaven with Pappaw. I was appauled when he told me this. I tried to talk to my mom about it but all she said was Oh Well he will pass out before he dies. I couldn't believe my ears!! Like I said my Dad would have been furious with her for that comment. I have 3 little babies and one on the way I just can't deal with her stress right now, she has no right to tell my little babies that she is going to kill herself. We don't go around her now for this reason, I can't trust what she might say to them. I want to focus on the memory of my Dad not her selfishness. It's just so hard without him.

[pertykitty]

wow your right, that wasnt good to say in front of her grandkids. maybe you need to tell her that everyone is grieving and if she feels so bad as to say she wants to kill herself, she needs to get help. she will probably tell you that its your problem not hers.  i dont know what to say. i would want to keep my children from harms way, hearing thoughts of suicide arent good.  i suppose right now you have to protect your children and yourself. my mom had quite some selfish thoughts as well after his death.  i remember being so mad at her at times, not giving thought to anyone else, but i also felt for her deep pain.  while it was hard to lose my father, it must have been horrific to lose a spouse.  maybe you and your bro and sis can come up with a plan.  im sorry

[shaneswife7299]

Yeah I made it very clear to my mom that if she wanted to say things like that to say it to someone else. I explained to her that I was her child and she shouldn't be putting this on me when I just lost my Dad and being pregnant. She told me Oh well I am saying it to you don't you hear me. That's her favorite comment these days "Oh well" She is seeing a grief counsler provided to her through the Hospice program but she uses her whole time with her counsler complaining about us. It's a terrribly long story to explain my mother to someone but what I will say is that most of her grief now has to do with the fact that my Dad is no longer here for her to boss around and to do everything for her. She was pretty mean to him and he kept a lot of silly petty things hidden from her just for the sake of not having to listen to her yell at him. He was the nicest sweetest most giving person you could ever meet, and she was and is the exact opposite. I am just so mad that I have to spend my time dealing with her stuff instead of being able to focus on my and my childrens grief. I don't want to cut her out of our lives because my Dad wouldn't have wanted that, but I feel like I am just stuck here. I haven't had time to really grief yet, and I try my best just not to even think about it, but I know that it's all going to hit me soon and I'm afraid I am going to just fall apart. I miss him so much.

[pertykitty]

i think id have to back off and let her be.  even with her having lost someone, you have too. and the kids.  maybe im not right i dont know, but id say tell her you will be there for her, but only if she can be there for you too.  when my dad died i sat in the house id hear a truck, i swore it was him, then realized, it couldnt be.  it took a few weeks before i really knew it was real.  you need to have your time to heal, and not spend it all on your mom with her remarks and negativity.  death is a horrible thing to have to deal with, you need all the positivity (even when there feels there is none) and love of friends and family to start the process.  i went through sadness , and anger, and depression. hopefully you and your siblings will be strong for each other, trying to keep each other lifted. i loved my dad more than anything, i still do.  but now i can smile knowing he is ok.

[shaneswife7299]

Thanks so much for your thoughts and kindness, I appreciate you taking the time to read through my problems.  I hope all is well with you and yours.

[Jim's son]

Your mum gets a pass on this one. She's in trouble, hurting terribly. A death can often amplify family discourse, even to the point of fabrication of problems which never  existed. I'm not downplaying your grievances, which I'm sure are legitimate, I'm just making a point that all that is said by your mum right now is not necessairly meant in the fullest sense.

I hope, too, you find the time to do your own grieving. The fact that mum is h igh maintainace and oblivious to your need is a problem. I think you're right, you need to back off - for your own sake and for your own health.

I'm so sorry about your dad, hon. I can relate - just lost mine too

[shaneswife7299]

Yeah I have tried my best to let her by with what she has done thus far. We have always been extremely close, I mean we would see each other everyday. I have not been to her house since the day of the funeral, I just can't bring myself to go in there where my father laid ill and suffering for a month and died. I can't even bear to see my mom, it is just too hard to see her without him, they were married for 36 years and wherever she was he was right behind. He fought such a long hard battle and boy was he a champ! I miss him so much that I can't even put it into words. At this point in time all I have done is try my hardest not to even think about it because I am just not ready to bawl my eyes out yet. I know this time will come and I will finally break down but for now while I am pregnant, I am trying very hard to keep it together for the pregnancy, I just lost a pregnancy in January and I don't want to go through that again. Sorry also to hear about your dad, God be with you and your family.

[Jim's son]

My family's always been very close too,  although every family has it's ups and downs.

I remember feeling angry at my mother shortly after my father's death. For a couple of days I barely talked to her, even though I was living there during, and shortly after,my father's illness.

The strange thing is, for the life of me, I can't remember why I was angry with her, but I do know it felt important at the time.

Similarily, I did the same thing with my wife, and I don't know why.

But I do now - it was grief

Take care

[shaneswife7299]

That's another problem I am having with my mom. She is pounding me to move in with her. She rents a 2 bedroom 1 bathroom very old home. My father died in that house. We are currently a family of 5 which come december we will be a family of 6. We own a 3 bedroom 2 bathroom home. It seems more logical to me that she move in with us but she won't leave the house where my father died. I on the other hand cannot bear the thought of even going into that house. She tries to make me feel guilty for not moving in with her. She keeps using my Dad and saying, Dad would have wanted you here at home and Dad would want you to help me out. I do for her what I can but I also have a family to think about. My kids would have to change schools and all 6 of us would have to be in 1 bedroom, that's just ridiculous! I just wish she wouldn't use this against me. Every time we talk it's all about how she wants us there with her. Same anger problem with my husband though, everything he says and does seems to make me angry. I have never lost anyone close to me before and it sucks that it had to be my Dad.

[shaneswife7299]

Oh by the way I was just wondering what illness your father fought with, if you don't want to answer that I completely understand.

[Jim's son]

lung cancer, mets to bone. He went from healthy to dead in about six weeks. I still can't accept it

[shaneswife7299]

So sorry to hear that. My Dad fought lung cancer about 15 years ago and luckily came through. He also went very quickly though when he passed. He was up walking and doing fine and then at his last doctor appointment his doctor called in Hospice which brought a hospital bed and other equipment to his house. The day it arrived he was up and helping them move the equipment into the house and then 1 month and 3 days later he died.

[suzi-q]

You seem to be doing very healthy things to help yourself through your grief.  You are honoring your father and celebrating his life.  Your mother, however, is having a very difficult time and many widows who are married to the same man for a long time feel this way.  Your mom's right hand died.  Her best friend.  She will come around but in her own way.  Right now she need to grieve and wallow is self pity...that is ok...give her time and don't fight.  just be there for her and let her say whatever she needs to say.  Don't get controvertial...it will just cause more problems.  Also don;t let her comments change your behavior  because you are doing agreat job moving through one of the most horrilbe times of your life and you will be stronger in the end.

[k8bg]

I just found this web site and I read your posts.  I just lost my Mom to lung cancer on August 18th after a 10 month battle.  I am still trying to wrap my mind around her not being here.  She was my best friend.  Now, my Dad is left behind.  He is 70 years old.  I can't stand to see him crying all the time.  I want to take his pain away.  I know I can't, but I have this overwhelming feeling to take care of him.  I am so afraid he will not pull through this.  Is this the initial stages of grief?  Does anyone have any advice on how to help my Dad?